Punch (50.1866)

Mat 19, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

205

VAGUE PEOPLE.

^ R. Punch must have ob-

served a certain class of
persons which ought to
come under the Vagrant
Act, on account of their
being wanderers. Le Juif
Errant, if he be living now,
would be a fool to these
wanderers. I am speaking
of wanderers in conversa-
tion; idle, careless people,
too idle to rummage up the
right word for the right
place, too careless to have
any sort of regard for the
confusion of their auditors,
or the possible results of
their own laziness. Their
save - ourselves - trouble
theory is that one word
is as good as another,
and their defence is a
misapplication of Shak-
speare’s love-sick obser-
vation, viz, that a rose
might be called a gasome-
ter, and yet retain its de-
licious perfume. They have
a Vague Dictionary, where-
in the words Thingummy,
Whaty oumaycallem, Thing-
ummyjig, stand for any substantives, adjectives, or even proper names,
and in their Vague Grammar the Personal Pronoun is Whatisname.
This, the Personal Pronoun of Vagueness, is thus declined:—


Mo sc.

Fern.

Neuter.

Nom. Acc.
Gen.

Whatshisname
Wh atshisname's

Whatshername

Whatshername’s

Whatsitsname

Sat.

Voc.

To Whatshisname
Here, Whatyoumacallem !

To Whatshername

To Thingummy
Hi! Thingumbob !

Abl.

With Whatshisname With Whatshername

Dual and Plural

From Thingummy

Norm. Acc. The Thiugummies The Whatsitsnames

Gen The Thingummies’ The Whatsitsnames’

Sat. To the Thingummies To the Whatsitsnames

Examples.

Nominative and Accusative Whatshisname wants Whatsitsname.
What.shername likes Whatshisname when he hasn’t got whatsitsname.

Gen Bat. What.shername gave What.shisname’s whatsitsname to
Thingummy. He looked to Thingummy for Whatsitsname.

Voc Here! Whatyoumaycallem ! is What.shername going from
Thingummy with Whaf.hisname in the What.itsnamep

Dual and Plural. W hatshername can’t sing to those two thingummies
with Whatsitsname.

Q Are the Whatsitsnames coming to-night ?

A. No, only the Thingummies.

The use of Whatsitsname as a substantive is a little puzzling at first,
specially to foreigners. Thus —

Old whatshisname sat on a Thingummy the other day.

Hi! Thingummy, don’t you eat my whatsitsnames !

There’s the Thingummies’ whatsitsname going along there.

Sometimes these pronouns are used in the Vague Grammar for proper
names, to save the speaker trouble ; thus, for example, as an historical
fact:—

“ Whatshisname first introduced thingummies into whatitsname.”
which is merely a simple form of—

“ Cadmus first introduced letters into Greece.”

In quotations the vague pronoun is used emphasis gratia et causa
trouhlam savendi; thus, from Macbeth—

“ Is this a thingummy I see before me,

The handle towards my whatsitsname ? ”

and so on.

This new grammar of Vagueness may possibly come into use in the
law courts. It will lessen the Judge’s labour, and give rise to endless
litigation, which is, to say the least of it, a good thing for the solicitors
and barristers, and an encouragement to the framers of our statutes.
In the following instance of a judgment delivered according to the new
rule, we find one instance of Whatyoumaycallem used as a verb.

“ It has been well observed by Mr. Justice Coleridge that, it was
not upon any such refined thingummy as that of Whatshisname that the

Thingummies have become in our whatsitsname the last whatyoumay-
callem of resort. In the case of the Queen v. Whatshername, given at
great length in Whatshisname's Reports, it was distinctly laid down that
a Thingummyjig, unable to come to a unanimous whatyoumaycallem,
might be lawfully discharged. But this Court, accepting the sound
logical reasoning of Chief Justice Thingumbob, must hold that the
whatyoumaycallem of a thingummyjig is no bar to a whatsitsname. The
thingummy of the Court below is consequently re-whatyoumaycallem’d.”

Some of the disciples of the New Vague School have adopted certain
set phrases for the better conveyance of various meanings, thus, for
example, “All that sort of thing,” “etcetera,” “and so forth.”

Instance.—One of the New Vagrants enters a restaurant’s, where he
is going to dine. “ What’ll you take, Sir?” asks the waiter. “Oh,
um,” says the Vagrant; “some soup, and-er-all that sort of thing.”
By which he means t.he ordinary three courses. Eor such vagrants as
these the greatest luxury is a caf6, where they are charged so much for
dinner, including wine, and have not. to bother themselves with choosing.

The disciples of the new Vague Grammar are those -flaneurs whom
one meets in the afternoon in Hyde Park, Regent Street, Pall Mall, or
Bond Street. Ask them what they are going to do, they don’t know.
Inquire whither their steps are bent? they cannot tell ; saving always
that they be not bound for any of the four places above-mentioned,
or their Club, when they will be quick enough in giving you the
required information.

There is yet much to be said about Vagrants. Anon, anon.

WAGS AT THE OPERA.

My dear Gye,

I Congratulate you heartily upon your new Norma. She
has not learned to act yet, but what a voice she has, and now well she
siugs ! I think, too, you are quite in luck to have laid hold of little
Lucca. She is the very pearl of Marguerites, which is much the same
as calling her the very pearl of pearls. She has learned to act; and I
scarce know which to praise more—her singing or her acting. More-
over, I especially commend her for her bravery in trampling on the
stupid stage tradition that no one can play Marguerite unless she wears
a wig. It would be a sin to hide such glorious dark hair as pretty
Pauline has to show, and I really think she shows her sense in showing
it. The only fault that I can find with her is for a tendency to overdo
the scene in the cathedral; but, with the devil at one’s elbow, a little
extra nervousness is certainly excusable.

I wish, though, you would tell people not to try and make bad jokes
about her name. This they do in the assumption that Lucca rhymes
with “Hooker,” and the “judicious Hooker.” The other evening I
was sorely vexed by a small wag, who asked me how much lucre you >
make nightly by your Lucca.

People should be taught, too, that the “ g ” is soft in “ Orgeni,” to
stop their cracking jokes about an organ and an “ Organny.” I suffer
a good deal from these imbecile attempts; and a notice in your pro-
grammes might serve to put an end to them. A Great Briton, as a
rule, knows nothing of Italian, and there are many little Britons who
never lose a chance of making a bad pun, if they can somehow see their
way to it.

Yours sincerely, my dear Gye,

A Sitter in the Stalls.

P.S. I wonder when this season I shall sit through a whole opera,
and not hear the joke about re-distributing the seats.

HOMA.GE TO THE NEW PRESIDENT.

We have great hopes ox Sir Erancis Grant, P.R.A. It is clear
that he reads his Punch carefully.

• Last year Mr. Punch published a “ Handbook to the Academy
Dinner.” In this beautiful article he gave a variety of openings for
speeches by Academy guests, who, usually asked because they have
nothing to do with art, are puzzled how to begin their addresses. This
was one of Mr. Punch's suggestions :—

“ A Master of Hounds. Tallyho! hoicks ; Harkaway ! We are all on the same
scent, Mr. President, here. The one thing which I think of, and the one thing
which you think of, is the Brush. Tallyho ! hoicks ! Harkaway ? ”

Hear Sir Francis at the last Academy dinner. In proposing the
health of the Prince of Wales, the PR A., said—

“His Royal Highness, in his recent visit to Leicestershire, in two very severe
runs across the Vale of Belvoir, proved himself to he a first-rate artist in that par-
ticular department of art. Since his Royal Highness has proved himself in one
sense an artist, may I, if his Royal Highness will forgive my boldness, claim his
sympathy for his brother artists of the brush. The ‘ brush ’ is an important element
in both departments of art, and on the occasion alluded to his Royal Highness
most deservedly was presented with ‘ the brush.’ (Cheers.)”

Cheers. We should think so. Bravo, Sir Erancis. Continue to
study your Punch, and nobody can say where you will be one of these
days.