DOI issue:
March 31, 1866
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16877#0138
130
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C LI ART V ART
[March 31, 1866.
LACE-UP BOOTS ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE; BUT IF THEY
COME UNDONE!! !
ESCAPE OE STEPHENS.
Mr. Punch has received the following letters, and feels it
bis duty to make them public. The circumstances preclude
his affixing his voucher to their truth:—
No. l.
Dear Jones,—Here I am, all safe and sound. For the
last three days before leaving Ireland I had a fatiguing
time of it, as I was perpetually walking about with the
police in search of myself. On Tuesday, previous to my
departure, I had the pleasure of dining with his Excellency
the Lord Lieutenant. We talked about the prospects of
Feniauism, and he said he would give something to catch
Stephens. I told him that I was the Head-Centre, but
he wouldn’t believe it. I am having a very pleasant time
of it, as there is still plenty of money left: when it is
finished l shall, I think, take to Spiritualism, or go on the
stage as a star.
The report that Mr. Stephanos Xenos is myself in
disguise is calculated to produce a wrong impression.
I admire the Greeks. Yours truly, Stephens.
No. 2.
Dear Punch,—Send me your next Number. I enclose
my card and address. You may forward the number to me
by a Policeman, if you like. Yours ever> Steehens.
Can I do anything for you in Paris ?
[N.B. The card and address were signed, “H. Walker,”
one of his numerous abases, “Nusquam Lodge.”]
No. 8.
Dear Stodare,—Can you enter into some arrangement
with me for the hire of your room at the Egyptian Hall
during the Season ? 1 propose giving an entertainment to
be called, “Stephens at Home, and the Police Abroad.”
It will be very amusing, as 1 have a large and varied ward-
robe. I shall have a panorama painted, and exhibit a real
live Dublin Policeman, who will dance, sing, arid show in
| pantomime how he catches Stephens. Your terms must
include the piano. Yours ever, Stephens.
P.S. Talk of your Basket Trick! I’ll show you one
worth ten of that.
PP.S. Advertise the Sphinx as the Head-Centre.
I Yours S.
A SMALL REFORM SUGGESTED.
Mr. Punch,
We are presented with a Reform Bill. I want you to fumigate,
(I offer this word as a substitute for “ ventilate,” of which, with other
overworked expressions and phrases, “ infusion of new blood,” for
example, you must, be a-weary) an anomaly that I think the proposed
Statute of Victoria might redress.
1 get into Parliament, after a toilsome canvass in hot weather up and
down unpaved alleys, a considerable expenditure of wasted money, and
possibly, the torments of an Election petition. 1 grow tired of Parlia-
ment, say, because the private bill business is too much for me, or my
Constituents are too much for me, with their vigorous appetite for
favours, and places, and pecuniary subscriptions, or the estimates for
the London campaign, engaged in by costly sons and daughters, become
inconvrnient.ly heavy.
I determine to resign my seat, and find I cannot be relieved of my
trust, and issue a faiewell address to the 153 freemen and other electors
of Slumberwell without accepting the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hun-
dreds, a pastoral appointment as fictitious as mermaids or the divine
right of kings. 1 apply for this eligible situation, obtain it, and am
gazetted as its fortunate ''eeupant.
Possibly some fellow Member, as anxious as myself to escape from
the diversion of listening to Counsel on Gas and Railway Bills, has
already secured this hilly post, in which case I have to content myself with
the inferior dignity of the Stewardship of the Hundred of Northstead,
or it may be, Iiempholm. Graced with one of these pretended pre-
ferments, I hear no more division bells. Is it necessary to maintain |
this sham? Would our exports fall off if it were slain? Why not
banish it along with decayed oaths and declarations ? Why cannot I
write a letter to the Speaker, signifying my desire to dissolve my
connection with Slumberwell, without being constrained to ask for the
Chiltern Hundreds (a poor exchange for my thousands), or Northstead,
or Hemphoim? When a Bishop resigns his see (an unusual occur-
rence, I grant, but it has happened) he does not betake himself to an
imaginary curacy; when a Judge retires from the Bench, he retreats
into no fictitious Recordership. Would “ Supply ” be imperilled, if a
Member of Parliament were to disappear from the Treasury or Oppo-
sition ranks without this supposititious assumption of office ?
I hope I am not rudely jostling the ark of the Constitution, in
drawing attention to this rusty remainder of antiquity. I am neither
democrat nor republican. I am willing to attend the Speaker’s
dinners and levees in a masquerade dress; I have no wish to see
the Mace broken up and sold as old metal, or the Black Rod con-
verted into fuel. If some real appointment could be assigned to
retiring M.P.’s, if only for the space of a day, I would cheerfully
take it. I would submit to be Chief Acrobat, or a Lord High
Bed warmer, or Umbrella in waiting; but I do protest against being
obliged to accept an office which has no existence, except in the London
Gazette, against the absurdity of being publicly announced as filling a
Stewardship of which I can give no account, before it is permitted me
to discontinue the letters M.P. after my name. It could not be more
preposterous if I were proclaimed as having accepted the tenancy of a
Chateau d’Espagne.
Is there an impassable obstacle to the abolition of this anomaly ?
and is it—fees ?
I have my thoughts about a Lord of the Admiralty or Treasury being
forced to seek re-election on taking office and emolument, but perhaps
I am too headlong. Rott VVallop
STIRRING STRAINS.
Quoth Dr. Macleod the other day at Glasgow:—
“ There is no music in the world to be compared with the bagpipe. (Applause.)
* * * It is the music a Highlander understands best. * * There is something in
the bagpipe will stir him when nothing else can. (Great applause.)’
Vara true, Dr. Macleod. Here’s your glide health, and a’ your
familee’s ! Dr. Macpunch is a true Hielander, although till now he
did na ken sae muckle of his bluid and bairthplace. As ye say, mon,
“There is something in the bagpipe” whilk sae “stirs him” that lie
never can sit quiet when he hears it. Play the bagpipe anywhere in t.be
Macpunch’s neighbourhood, and it speedily will stir the Macpunch
out of earshot!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C LI ART V ART
[March 31, 1866.
LACE-UP BOOTS ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE; BUT IF THEY
COME UNDONE!! !
ESCAPE OE STEPHENS.
Mr. Punch has received the following letters, and feels it
bis duty to make them public. The circumstances preclude
his affixing his voucher to their truth:—
No. l.
Dear Jones,—Here I am, all safe and sound. For the
last three days before leaving Ireland I had a fatiguing
time of it, as I was perpetually walking about with the
police in search of myself. On Tuesday, previous to my
departure, I had the pleasure of dining with his Excellency
the Lord Lieutenant. We talked about the prospects of
Feniauism, and he said he would give something to catch
Stephens. I told him that I was the Head-Centre, but
he wouldn’t believe it. I am having a very pleasant time
of it, as there is still plenty of money left: when it is
finished l shall, I think, take to Spiritualism, or go on the
stage as a star.
The report that Mr. Stephanos Xenos is myself in
disguise is calculated to produce a wrong impression.
I admire the Greeks. Yours truly, Stephens.
No. 2.
Dear Punch,—Send me your next Number. I enclose
my card and address. You may forward the number to me
by a Policeman, if you like. Yours ever> Steehens.
Can I do anything for you in Paris ?
[N.B. The card and address were signed, “H. Walker,”
one of his numerous abases, “Nusquam Lodge.”]
No. 8.
Dear Stodare,—Can you enter into some arrangement
with me for the hire of your room at the Egyptian Hall
during the Season ? 1 propose giving an entertainment to
be called, “Stephens at Home, and the Police Abroad.”
It will be very amusing, as 1 have a large and varied ward-
robe. I shall have a panorama painted, and exhibit a real
live Dublin Policeman, who will dance, sing, arid show in
| pantomime how he catches Stephens. Your terms must
include the piano. Yours ever, Stephens.
P.S. Talk of your Basket Trick! I’ll show you one
worth ten of that.
PP.S. Advertise the Sphinx as the Head-Centre.
I Yours S.
A SMALL REFORM SUGGESTED.
Mr. Punch,
We are presented with a Reform Bill. I want you to fumigate,
(I offer this word as a substitute for “ ventilate,” of which, with other
overworked expressions and phrases, “ infusion of new blood,” for
example, you must, be a-weary) an anomaly that I think the proposed
Statute of Victoria might redress.
1 get into Parliament, after a toilsome canvass in hot weather up and
down unpaved alleys, a considerable expenditure of wasted money, and
possibly, the torments of an Election petition. 1 grow tired of Parlia-
ment, say, because the private bill business is too much for me, or my
Constituents are too much for me, with their vigorous appetite for
favours, and places, and pecuniary subscriptions, or the estimates for
the London campaign, engaged in by costly sons and daughters, become
inconvrnient.ly heavy.
I determine to resign my seat, and find I cannot be relieved of my
trust, and issue a faiewell address to the 153 freemen and other electors
of Slumberwell without accepting the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hun-
dreds, a pastoral appointment as fictitious as mermaids or the divine
right of kings. 1 apply for this eligible situation, obtain it, and am
gazetted as its fortunate ''eeupant.
Possibly some fellow Member, as anxious as myself to escape from
the diversion of listening to Counsel on Gas and Railway Bills, has
already secured this hilly post, in which case I have to content myself with
the inferior dignity of the Stewardship of the Hundred of Northstead,
or it may be, Iiempholm. Graced with one of these pretended pre-
ferments, I hear no more division bells. Is it necessary to maintain |
this sham? Would our exports fall off if it were slain? Why not
banish it along with decayed oaths and declarations ? Why cannot I
write a letter to the Speaker, signifying my desire to dissolve my
connection with Slumberwell, without being constrained to ask for the
Chiltern Hundreds (a poor exchange for my thousands), or Northstead,
or Hemphoim? When a Bishop resigns his see (an unusual occur-
rence, I grant, but it has happened) he does not betake himself to an
imaginary curacy; when a Judge retires from the Bench, he retreats
into no fictitious Recordership. Would “ Supply ” be imperilled, if a
Member of Parliament were to disappear from the Treasury or Oppo-
sition ranks without this supposititious assumption of office ?
I hope I am not rudely jostling the ark of the Constitution, in
drawing attention to this rusty remainder of antiquity. I am neither
democrat nor republican. I am willing to attend the Speaker’s
dinners and levees in a masquerade dress; I have no wish to see
the Mace broken up and sold as old metal, or the Black Rod con-
verted into fuel. If some real appointment could be assigned to
retiring M.P.’s, if only for the space of a day, I would cheerfully
take it. I would submit to be Chief Acrobat, or a Lord High
Bed warmer, or Umbrella in waiting; but I do protest against being
obliged to accept an office which has no existence, except in the London
Gazette, against the absurdity of being publicly announced as filling a
Stewardship of which I can give no account, before it is permitted me
to discontinue the letters M.P. after my name. It could not be more
preposterous if I were proclaimed as having accepted the tenancy of a
Chateau d’Espagne.
Is there an impassable obstacle to the abolition of this anomaly ?
and is it—fees ?
I have my thoughts about a Lord of the Admiralty or Treasury being
forced to seek re-election on taking office and emolument, but perhaps
I am too headlong. Rott VVallop
STIRRING STRAINS.
Quoth Dr. Macleod the other day at Glasgow:—
“ There is no music in the world to be compared with the bagpipe. (Applause.)
* * * It is the music a Highlander understands best. * * There is something in
the bagpipe will stir him when nothing else can. (Great applause.)’
Vara true, Dr. Macleod. Here’s your glide health, and a’ your
familee’s ! Dr. Macpunch is a true Hielander, although till now he
did na ken sae muckle of his bluid and bairthplace. As ye say, mon,
“There is something in the bagpipe” whilk sae “stirs him” that lie
never can sit quiet when he hears it. Play the bagpipe anywhere in t.be
Macpunch’s neighbourhood, and it speedily will stir the Macpunch
out of earshot!