DOI issue:
March 31, 1866
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16877#0145
March 31, 1866.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
“which of you has DONE THIS?”
II yes, which of you,
you Quacks? Do you
think Punch is not
down upon you. You
humbugs !
In the Times' Second
Column appears an
advertisement pre-
tending to come from
a Hungarian Baron,
who is troubled with
lumbago, and who
begs that any person
who has been cured
of that disease will
kindly let him know
what remedy was
effective.
In a month or so,
we shall read another
advertisement from
some vendor of Quack
medicine or ointment,
referring us to the
Baron’s case, and
perhaps containing
another letter from
him, full of thankful-
ness to Providence
and the Quack for
the remedy which
was kindly sent in
answer to his first
appeal. The Baron,
as a Christian and a
philanthropist, will
feel that he nas no
right to withhold from his fellow creatures the glad news that there is
a cure for affliction like unto his.
Again we ask you, Quacks, who is it to be? Puff, with his Uni-
versal Balm; Bosh, with his Ubiquitous Essence of Hygeine; Blare,
with his Solvent Unguent Sedative; or Skunk, with his Akespho-
roscent Akesodunos ?
We shall look out for you, Quack, whoever you are.
A GIGANTIC SCOTTISH JOKE.
Scotland the Land of Cakes ? Nay, Scotland is the land of better
things than cakes. It was the partially happy remark of an Irish gentle-
man that to post a number of Punch to Edinburgh was sending coals to
Newcastle. The only mistake in what the O’Botherem meant to
express was that of regarding this periodical as a jocular publication.
But he was quite right in the point which he intended to imply: namely,
t hat Scotland is the Land of Jokes. And here is one of them:—
“ The Chairman then proposed the toast of the evening—‘ The health of Lieut.-
Gen. sir Hope Grant. (Great Cheering.)' He stated that his gallant friend had
descended from a very old family, whose name had been mentioned in Scripture ;
but, owing to the use of the letter i instead of the letter r, the name had been
altered, the passage in which it occurred reading now, ‘ There were giants in those
days,’ when the word should have been ‘Grants.’ (Laughter.)’’
This capital jok’ was let off in St. James’s Hall at a dinner given to
the gallant officer, on whose name it turned, to celebrate his appoint-
ment to the post of honorary Colonel of the London Scottish Bifle
Volunteer Corps. The utterer, and perhaps the author of the fore-
going wutticeesm according to the Post, was a noble lord, the
Lieutenant-colonel of the regiment. Hugh Miller, we know, was a
Scot; and perhaps Scotland also claims his namesake Joseph. Not
that the joke above quoted about the Giants and Grants is an “ old
Joe ” by any means. On the contrary it is evidently a new Prank.
Seriously, however, we may remark that there appears to be a Scotch
version of the Mosaic Records. That of Genesis is above quoted. The
Scotch version of Exodus is the one cited by the Sabbatarians.
“ The Rest is Silence.”
“ A wedding recently took place at Aldborougb Church at which the bride,
bridegroom, bridesmaid, groomsman, and two witnesses were aU deaf and dumb.”
Somebody, having threatened to write somebody’s Life, was said to
have added a new terror to death. The above group have lost two
of the terrors of marriage. No scolding possible, and an inaudible
belle-mere.
QUERIES WITH ANSWERS.
Under this heading an able and useful contemporary hebdomadally
answers all sorts of questions on all sorts of subjects : explains the
origin of the custom of eating mince-pies at Christmas; fixes the pre-
cise date when toothpicks were first used in England; clears up the
mystery enveloping “Jack Robinson;” reveals the maiden name of
Shakspeare’s godmother; settles the question of the authorship of
“Peter Piper picked a peck of pepper;” and displays generally an
amount of encyclopsediacal knowledge only to be out-done by the
erudition of Mr. Punch himself.
To that last-mentioned oracle of universal learning, whose shrine is
in Eleet Street, questions are addressed every day and by every post,
on every topic that can disturb the brain or the temper, from cattle-
plagues to cosmogonies, from Reform Bills to Refuges ; and it is through
a desire to satisfy some of his most pressing querists that Mr. Punch
has determined from time to time to ease their minds, by laying the
questions they have raised and publishing them with his own answers
subjoined, selecting in the first instance a few miscellaneous dif-
culties (in the proportion of about one to a thousand of those sub-
mitted to him), for final and authoritative settlement.
“ She never told her love.” ShaJcspeare.—Is it known what was the
secret the lady shrank from disclosing to the object of her affections ?
Stratforduponavoniensis.
[The older Commentators, Warburton, Johnson, Malone, Steevens,
“ Orator ” Henley, and Andrew Marvell are confident that
she referred to a Prior attachment to the head of a religious com-
munity. The modern critics, Dice, Collier, Knight, Halliwell,
Cowden Clarke, Dr. Parr, and William Wilberforce,
are equally certain that she was alluding to false teeth. It is a moot
point, and will probably cause commentators not to speak to each
other for many generations to come.]
“ Who first used the expression “ to go the whole hog ? ”
A Literary Porkbutcher.
[The great Bacon. See his life by George Selwyn, privately printed
at the Strawberry Hill press by Kitty Clive. It is remarkable
that the common phrase of “carrying coals to Newcastle” may
be traced to Bacon’s shining rival—-Coke.]
“Quotations Wanted:—
1. “And the grave is not its gaol.”—A.n.n.i.e.
[Are you not misquoting ? You must mean a line in a well-known poem
by a celebrated American poet.]
2. “ The glass of fashion.”—Loudley Talkington.
[You will find it, by a careful search, in “ The Mirrour for Magistrates,”
written by the notorious Judge Jeffreys. See Sir William
Jones’s Edition, Book xviii., canto lxxxix.]
“ Can you supply the exact derivation of the word Thraldom ? ”
Asymptotes Grandiflora.
[First came into use when Dr. Johnson was so much under the in-
fluence of the clever and fascinating Mrs. Thrale.]
“ What is the Taliacotian operation ? Medicus Expectans.
[Ask your Tailor.]
“The Heir of all the Ages.” Tennyson.—What is his exact legal status ?"
Lex.
[State us a case and we will answer it. One thing is clear. He would
be liable to Succession Duty—an immense sum. See Chitty and
Whitty’s “Reports.”]
“ How would you define a first cousin once removed ? ”
A Descendant of Bishop Cosin.
[As a relation who lives next door but one to you.]
“ Where can I find an account of the oldest Almanacks ? ”
Zadkiel Moore Murphy.
[In the Arabian Nights' Entertainments: see the Three Kalendars.\
“ Can you, dear Mr. Punch, recommend me a Manual of Domestic
Medicine?”—A Young Mother.
[Yes : The Doctor, by Dr. Southey.]
“ I often see the letters C.B. after the names of distinguished persons.
What do they signify ? ”—Tyro.
[Cherry Brandy.]
“ I have seen it affirmed that a celebrated French Marshal stated he
had been in the Peninsula in 1813-14, and in eleven battles, but never
saw the back of the British soldier. Can you tell me who the Marshal
was ? ’’—Cordial Intent.
[Marshal Magnan ; and very magnanimous it was of him to say it.
See the back numbers of the Family Stove,
Vol. 50.
5—2
“which of you has DONE THIS?”
II yes, which of you,
you Quacks? Do you
think Punch is not
down upon you. You
humbugs !
In the Times' Second
Column appears an
advertisement pre-
tending to come from
a Hungarian Baron,
who is troubled with
lumbago, and who
begs that any person
who has been cured
of that disease will
kindly let him know
what remedy was
effective.
In a month or so,
we shall read another
advertisement from
some vendor of Quack
medicine or ointment,
referring us to the
Baron’s case, and
perhaps containing
another letter from
him, full of thankful-
ness to Providence
and the Quack for
the remedy which
was kindly sent in
answer to his first
appeal. The Baron,
as a Christian and a
philanthropist, will
feel that he nas no
right to withhold from his fellow creatures the glad news that there is
a cure for affliction like unto his.
Again we ask you, Quacks, who is it to be? Puff, with his Uni-
versal Balm; Bosh, with his Ubiquitous Essence of Hygeine; Blare,
with his Solvent Unguent Sedative; or Skunk, with his Akespho-
roscent Akesodunos ?
We shall look out for you, Quack, whoever you are.
A GIGANTIC SCOTTISH JOKE.
Scotland the Land of Cakes ? Nay, Scotland is the land of better
things than cakes. It was the partially happy remark of an Irish gentle-
man that to post a number of Punch to Edinburgh was sending coals to
Newcastle. The only mistake in what the O’Botherem meant to
express was that of regarding this periodical as a jocular publication.
But he was quite right in the point which he intended to imply: namely,
t hat Scotland is the Land of Jokes. And here is one of them:—
“ The Chairman then proposed the toast of the evening—‘ The health of Lieut.-
Gen. sir Hope Grant. (Great Cheering.)' He stated that his gallant friend had
descended from a very old family, whose name had been mentioned in Scripture ;
but, owing to the use of the letter i instead of the letter r, the name had been
altered, the passage in which it occurred reading now, ‘ There were giants in those
days,’ when the word should have been ‘Grants.’ (Laughter.)’’
This capital jok’ was let off in St. James’s Hall at a dinner given to
the gallant officer, on whose name it turned, to celebrate his appoint-
ment to the post of honorary Colonel of the London Scottish Bifle
Volunteer Corps. The utterer, and perhaps the author of the fore-
going wutticeesm according to the Post, was a noble lord, the
Lieutenant-colonel of the regiment. Hugh Miller, we know, was a
Scot; and perhaps Scotland also claims his namesake Joseph. Not
that the joke above quoted about the Giants and Grants is an “ old
Joe ” by any means. On the contrary it is evidently a new Prank.
Seriously, however, we may remark that there appears to be a Scotch
version of the Mosaic Records. That of Genesis is above quoted. The
Scotch version of Exodus is the one cited by the Sabbatarians.
“ The Rest is Silence.”
“ A wedding recently took place at Aldborougb Church at which the bride,
bridegroom, bridesmaid, groomsman, and two witnesses were aU deaf and dumb.”
Somebody, having threatened to write somebody’s Life, was said to
have added a new terror to death. The above group have lost two
of the terrors of marriage. No scolding possible, and an inaudible
belle-mere.
QUERIES WITH ANSWERS.
Under this heading an able and useful contemporary hebdomadally
answers all sorts of questions on all sorts of subjects : explains the
origin of the custom of eating mince-pies at Christmas; fixes the pre-
cise date when toothpicks were first used in England; clears up the
mystery enveloping “Jack Robinson;” reveals the maiden name of
Shakspeare’s godmother; settles the question of the authorship of
“Peter Piper picked a peck of pepper;” and displays generally an
amount of encyclopsediacal knowledge only to be out-done by the
erudition of Mr. Punch himself.
To that last-mentioned oracle of universal learning, whose shrine is
in Eleet Street, questions are addressed every day and by every post,
on every topic that can disturb the brain or the temper, from cattle-
plagues to cosmogonies, from Reform Bills to Refuges ; and it is through
a desire to satisfy some of his most pressing querists that Mr. Punch
has determined from time to time to ease their minds, by laying the
questions they have raised and publishing them with his own answers
subjoined, selecting in the first instance a few miscellaneous dif-
culties (in the proportion of about one to a thousand of those sub-
mitted to him), for final and authoritative settlement.
“ She never told her love.” ShaJcspeare.—Is it known what was the
secret the lady shrank from disclosing to the object of her affections ?
Stratforduponavoniensis.
[The older Commentators, Warburton, Johnson, Malone, Steevens,
“ Orator ” Henley, and Andrew Marvell are confident that
she referred to a Prior attachment to the head of a religious com-
munity. The modern critics, Dice, Collier, Knight, Halliwell,
Cowden Clarke, Dr. Parr, and William Wilberforce,
are equally certain that she was alluding to false teeth. It is a moot
point, and will probably cause commentators not to speak to each
other for many generations to come.]
“ Who first used the expression “ to go the whole hog ? ”
A Literary Porkbutcher.
[The great Bacon. See his life by George Selwyn, privately printed
at the Strawberry Hill press by Kitty Clive. It is remarkable
that the common phrase of “carrying coals to Newcastle” may
be traced to Bacon’s shining rival—-Coke.]
“Quotations Wanted:—
1. “And the grave is not its gaol.”—A.n.n.i.e.
[Are you not misquoting ? You must mean a line in a well-known poem
by a celebrated American poet.]
2. “ The glass of fashion.”—Loudley Talkington.
[You will find it, by a careful search, in “ The Mirrour for Magistrates,”
written by the notorious Judge Jeffreys. See Sir William
Jones’s Edition, Book xviii., canto lxxxix.]
“ Can you supply the exact derivation of the word Thraldom ? ”
Asymptotes Grandiflora.
[First came into use when Dr. Johnson was so much under the in-
fluence of the clever and fascinating Mrs. Thrale.]
“ What is the Taliacotian operation ? Medicus Expectans.
[Ask your Tailor.]
“The Heir of all the Ages.” Tennyson.—What is his exact legal status ?"
Lex.
[State us a case and we will answer it. One thing is clear. He would
be liable to Succession Duty—an immense sum. See Chitty and
Whitty’s “Reports.”]
“ How would you define a first cousin once removed ? ”
A Descendant of Bishop Cosin.
[As a relation who lives next door but one to you.]
“ Where can I find an account of the oldest Almanacks ? ”
Zadkiel Moore Murphy.
[In the Arabian Nights' Entertainments: see the Three Kalendars.\
“ Can you, dear Mr. Punch, recommend me a Manual of Domestic
Medicine?”—A Young Mother.
[Yes : The Doctor, by Dr. Southey.]
“ I often see the letters C.B. after the names of distinguished persons.
What do they signify ? ”—Tyro.
[Cherry Brandy.]
“ I have seen it affirmed that a celebrated French Marshal stated he
had been in the Peninsula in 1813-14, and in eleven battles, but never
saw the back of the British soldier. Can you tell me who the Marshal
was ? ’’—Cordial Intent.
[Marshal Magnan ; and very magnanimous it was of him to say it.
See the back numbers of the Family Stove,
Vol. 50.
5—2