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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

235

June 2, 1866.]

I should have added that as a King, Sire, entrusted with the task of
instilling right principles into your subjects, you are bound to punish
them severely. But punishment should never be administered in
anger.

The King. I was never so angry in my life. Infernal traitors and
rebels! They ought to feel honoured in my condescending to give
them orders to go and be killed anywhere. Blasphemers ! Object to
fight Croats, as if a Croat’s being my enemy did not make the fighting
him a service which my subjects should deem a glory. Miscreants !

Bism. Sire, your logic is irrefragable. Let your deductions take the
form of action. I should inflict the most terrible vengeance on these
men.

The King. Now you speak like^a nobleman. What would you do to
them ?

Bism. Would your Majesty be satisfied if we killed twenty or thirty
thousand of them P

The King. 1 have ordered you not to joke, Count.

Bism. 1 am as serious as a German comedy, Sire. I promise you
this vengeance, at the very least.

The King. Explain, Count; explain.

Bism. Carry on the war. Sire.

The King. And take no further notice of this atrocity ?

Bism. Your Majesty, if we drive the pigs to the pork-butcher, I
think that we may permit them to make any noises on the way. I humbly
submit that any other notice of that document would be unworthy of a
King.

The King. Perhaps you are right, Bismarck., perhaps you are right.
And if they should get well peppered, it will be a just vengeance upon
them for their parricidal conduct.

Bism. Providence watches over the interests of Kings, Sire—that is,
when they are legitimate Kings. We will teach these pigs to protest
against the will of their owner.

“ The Wild. Night Huntsman hath gone by.”

The King {joyfully). Are they singing that ? Then war is certain.

Bism. {devoutly). With the blessing of Providence, Sire.

HYDROPHOBIA AND HALF-A-CROWN.

The numerous paragraphs which have lately appeared in the papers,
headed” Death from Hydrophobia,” give interest to the case of John
Meade, Hyde Park Constable, No. 8, pulled up the other day at Marl-
borough Street Police Court, by the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals, for torturing a dog. The constable was trying to
kill the dog, and falling in the attempt to knock it at once on the head,
of course shocked impulsive bystanders. His account of the transac-
tion was as follows :—

“ Seeing the dog in question in the park, and being told it had bitten some one,
he laid hold of it by one hand, and it bit him on the wrist. He then seized it with
the other hand, and asked a constable to take a piece of string from his pocket and
give it to him. When he got the string he tied it round the dog's neck, and then
people came up and said he was iU-using the dog. He certainly did put his foot on
the dog after he had been bitten, and would have killed it at the time.”

Two witnesses deposed that this dog had been known about the park
for some years as a vicious dog. Moreover—

“Colonel Marshall, of the Guards, said the stray dogs in the park were a
dreadful nuisance. A recent case of hydrophobia had occurred in consequence of
the sufferer having been bitten by one of then. He had written to Mr. Cowper on
the subject of the danger to park frequenters and riders from stray dogs running
about. While walking through Rotten Row that day he had noticed seven dogs in
the road. Mr. Davis said there were about 100 stray dogs.”

So far the case is clear enough, and has doubtless been reported with
the usual accuracy of the Times. In what follows there must surely be
a mistake. The Magistrate said :—

“ He had himself seen riders in the park, ladies especially, put in danger
from dogs running after their horses and snapping at their hoofs. He had not seen
any one actually thrown, but he had certainly seen riders very much shaken in
consequence. The park-keeper did his duty in laying hold of the dog, and in
destroying it. The question was, did he exceed his duty in what he was seen to
do ? Could he, after placing the string round the dog’s neck have dragged it to the
wood-house ? Though instructions were very properly given to destroy vicious
dogs, it was monstrous they should be destroyed in the face of the public. The
defendant was no doubt doing his duty, but as he did it in some respects im-
properly, he would mark his sense of the excess of duty by fining him half-a-crown. ”

We can have no doubt that the conclusion of the judgment, above
quoted, ran, as really delivered, thus :—“ The defendant was certainly
uoing his duty, but as he did it in a rather bungling manner, the
reward which would be given to him, for the courage he had exerted
in destroying a dangerous animal, would not exceed half-a-crown.”
How could a most sagacious Magistrate fine a man half-a-crown in any
case lor putting a dog to death ? Half-a-crown is far too small a
penalty for killing a dog wantonly and cruelly. Considered as imposed
for excess of duty in destroying a dog, it is simply a caution to park
keepers and others to mind how they destroy dangerous dogs.

THE HAIRESS AND THE HAIRLESS.

She wore no wreath of roses,

The day when first we met;

A porkpie hat was pertly cocked
Upon her curls of jet.

Her eyes with lustrous brightness,

’Neath their long lashes shone,

And temptingly the roses grew
Her dimpled cheek upon.

But chiefly I admired the hue
(’Tis not in fashion now)

Of those dark tresses shadowing
Her fair and snowy brow.

That girl, when next I see her,

I scarce can recognise;

Her altered presence fills me
With wonder and surprise.

Gone are those glossy ringlets,

In colour like the crow;

Her hair is palest yellow now,

And frizzed to look like tow !

I saw her sadly altered

For the worse, you will allow;

But she told me ’twas the fashion,

To which all girls must bow.

And once again I see her,

0 what a wreck is there !

The dyes she used have sadly thinned
Her once luxuriant hair.

She tries a hundred remedies,

Alas ! ’tis all in vain;

For hair, when once by art destroyed,

By art ne’er sprouts again.

Ere long, to hide the baldness
That threatens her, 1 vow ;

A wig she will be wearing
Upon her youthful brow.

MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY.

In the advertisements addressed to a nation you study its social
nature. Here is an invitation to some gardens (very good gardens)
near London:—

“ Come to our Gardens and hearken to the wind whispering among the solemn
pines, and the birds warbling among the ilex and lime-trees, and hear the jocund
guffaws of the reveUers at the Ridotto. Dancing every evening. Dinners and Teas
always, especiaUy Sundays. The fireworks, by Jones, wiH this night eclipse those
of the Crystal Palace.”

What light does this scrap throw upon the character of John Bull !
How his curious nature is appealed to 1 A touch of melancholy, not to say
maudlin, and then—jocund guffaws. The wind whispers, the birds
warble, and like Miss Jemima Ivins and her friends, he remarks, sotto
voce, “ ’Ow ’eavenly ! ” Perhaps weeps. Then, dashing away thought
and tear, he exclaims, “ Ha ! ha! ha!’’—and revels. Here is his picture
in little. While admiring it, we would add that the pleasant little
oath, “ by Jones,” in affirmation of the goodness of the fireworks, is
the newest thing out. Much better than “ by Jove,” who was only a
heathen deity, and by no means a respectable one. “ Jones the Avenger ”
is a preferable person to Jupiter Ultor. Henceforth, whenever we emit
a jolly guffaw, we intend to swear by Jones.

SERVE YOU RIGHT.

Dear Punch, Paul’s Chain.

Don’t you hate a fellow, especially a tradesman, who can’t take
a joke ? I received from a person who occupies the proud position of
being one of my creditors, a letter (I am bound to say the sixth or
seventh of a series to the same effect) in which he pressed upon me the
necessity of settling his bill. I was just reading a Sunday newspaper,
and it occurred to me, as a bit of clever fun, to cut off a notice which
the editor had appended to a correspondent’s epistle, and annex it to
my persecutor’s communication. Which, therefore, went back to him
thus annotated.

[Here this Correspondence must cease. Enough has been said on a sub-
ject better let alone.)

Sir, the fellow has no sense of fun. He took me at my word, and
the next document I received began with the name of our gracious
Sovereign Lady Queen Victoria. As I said, don’t you hate a man
who does not understand a joke ? Yours faithfully

Proctor Littlewit.
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