DOI issue:
June 16, 1866
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16877#0259
June 16, 1866.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CLIARIVARI
251
hearing for Grange, and he should go in for compensation for
strawberries and iced cream) and to take three acres at South
Kensington, where they can build vastly, and let in rising and foreign
talent. The objections to this South Kensington scheme are two-fold.
One is always understood but seldom expressed, the other is that
the elegant suburb is a good way from a good many people. But
then it is near a good many other people, and we w^nt both
Trafalgar Square and Burlington House for national purposes.
Moreover, handsome and well-deserved tributes were paid to Mr.
Cowper, for his admirable keeping of the Parks, and Mr. Hubbard
went so far as to say that the people who enjoy those spaces and
their shade and flowers owe the Commissioner a statue. We finished
the agreeable evening by carrying through, despite Protestant
clamour, the Bill making it needless for the Queen’s representatives in
Ireland to ridicule a curious dogma which most of the Irish suppose
themselves to understand, or, at least, believe.
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RUBICON.”
{A Groan from a mild M.P., half in and half out of the Cave.)
Oh, if they'd only taken time,
Nor trusted Gladstone’s rash impression
He’d but to cross the Bubicon,
And burn his boats and take possession !
Had they not tried the House to blind,
Till they strained party-joints to splitting ;
Treated M.P.’s like naughty boys,
To be “kept in” an autumn sitting!
There’s only one thing to be done,
Por Ministers to save their bacon ;
That’s to re-cross the Bubicon,
To ground they ne’er should have forsaken.
Own that to swim that famous stream,
They have been too much in a hurry;
As t’other side was unknown ground,
And folks won’t take Bright for their “ Murray.”
On the wrong side the Bubicon,
Hang me, if longer I remain;
Gladstone must just re-build his boats.
And take us back again !
I am a tractable M.P.
As ever trotted to division ;
A steady wheeler, safe to drive,
Ne’er with his leaders in collision.
My aim the greatest happiness
Of (Number One) the greatest number:
My highest hope, as Junior Lord,
Some day on Treasury-bench to slumber.
Views of my own I ne’er set up,
Indeed, in general, “ views ” offend me;
I ope my mouth, and shut, my eyes.
And, thankful, take what Brand may send me.
The sacred skirts of Government
Still holding reverently on to.
As feeling but for their safe guide
None knows where he might, not have gone to.
But now we’ve crossed the Bubicon,
One seeks the old landmarks all in vain:
If Gladstone hadn’t burnt his boats,
We might get back again!
COCKEB IN THE COMMONS.
With grave sorrow Mr. Punch learns from high authority that thirty
Members only of a reformed Parliament are competent to*do a sum in
long division. As Minister of Public Instruction Mr. Punch, therefore,
deems it incumbent on him to compile a Handy-book of Arithmetic,
shorn of all pedantic pleasantry, and furnished with Tables adapted both
to the cross and opposition benches. Pending publication of this
popular manual, we offer a few extracts from it, by which the diligent
student will be enabled rapidly to cut a figure in any circle—political or
polite.
Division of Parties.
Divide 310 Liberals, 290 Conservatives, and 58 ultra-Liberals by
3 Bills, 6 Instructions, and 9 Amendments. What will a Ministerial
measure come to. Ans. Grief.
Subtraction of Whigs.
Prom Whigs various. 300
Deduct Whigs pur et simple . 285
“ Back Government, you ’scape all mess ”—
This faith your wise M.P. professes:
But now supporting Government
Seems to mean getting into messes.
Left to oneself, with bed-fellows
More strange one couldn’t have been huddled:
Knocked one’s head against more stone walls,
Been worse misled, or more bemuddled !
By Jove, here we have Ministers
Tackling Beform as if they meant it!
Here’s Gladstone hand-in-glove with Bright—
’Taint natural, and he ’ll repent it!
No wonder that a Bill so bred
Could find no Cabinet to fit it;
How could it e’er be hoped to float
When ere ’twas launched its builders split it ?
And so we crossed the Bubicon,
But nearly swamp’d by leak and strain,
With Gladstone swearing at the helm
He’d ne’er go back again.
But when we’d crossed, with help of Bright,
The House the half-bill wished to smother;
At least, before they’d own that half,
They vowed they must be shown the other.
Though Gladstone kicked, and winced, and frowned,
And Bright foretold terrific weather.
They both had to eat humble pie.
And see the two halves tacked together!
Now, though the halves are made a whole,
The ill-will of the House increases :
It cheers on Lowe, at Gladstone girds.
And pulls his pretty groups to pieces.
And now we’re getting on in June,
With four months of the Session wasted;
The Tories roar, the House is sore,
And won’t be buttered, much less basted—
Although we’ve crossed the Bubicon,
What we ’re to do next win? ’ll explain P
If Gladstone hadn’t burnt his boats,
We might get back again!
There remain Whigs 15 not so pure and simple.
Vulgar Fractions,
Beduce Parliamentary Oratory to a common denominator. Ans.
Bosh.
Multiplication of Motions.
By Motions vexatious multiply Motions frivolous, and find the pro-
bable time of proroguing the House=lst January, 1867.
LAW POB DEBTOBS.
Dear Sir,
I read something about “ Unsecured Creditors ” in an account
of the New Debtors’ Act. I quite agree with the opinion that all
Creditors ought to be secured, and precious well secured too. I only
wish I could lock up some of mine for a month or two, and then farewell,
Old England! At present I regret to say that they are all unsecured,
and are free to pounce upon me at any moment.
I am, dear Sir, yours.
Whitewash Street. A Penny in the Pound.
Quousque Tandem.
Says the last telegram—
“ Fenian Circles are being arranged with reference to a raid into Canada.”
We hope so. There is a certain circle which should be especially con-
secrated to Penian use. It is composed of hempen material, and is
dependant. If any Penian scoundrel crosses into Canada, we hope
that he will be made a Knight of the Hempen Circle. Priends at a
distance please accept this intimation.
SCIENTIFIC INTELLIGENCE.
At the next Meeting of the Horticultural Society a Paper will be
read “ On the Coolness of the Cucumber.”
To Metropolitan Guardians.—“ Should banded Unions persecute
Opinion?”—Tennyson.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CLIARIVARI
251
hearing for Grange, and he should go in for compensation for
strawberries and iced cream) and to take three acres at South
Kensington, where they can build vastly, and let in rising and foreign
talent. The objections to this South Kensington scheme are two-fold.
One is always understood but seldom expressed, the other is that
the elegant suburb is a good way from a good many people. But
then it is near a good many other people, and we w^nt both
Trafalgar Square and Burlington House for national purposes.
Moreover, handsome and well-deserved tributes were paid to Mr.
Cowper, for his admirable keeping of the Parks, and Mr. Hubbard
went so far as to say that the people who enjoy those spaces and
their shade and flowers owe the Commissioner a statue. We finished
the agreeable evening by carrying through, despite Protestant
clamour, the Bill making it needless for the Queen’s representatives in
Ireland to ridicule a curious dogma which most of the Irish suppose
themselves to understand, or, at least, believe.
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RUBICON.”
{A Groan from a mild M.P., half in and half out of the Cave.)
Oh, if they'd only taken time,
Nor trusted Gladstone’s rash impression
He’d but to cross the Bubicon,
And burn his boats and take possession !
Had they not tried the House to blind,
Till they strained party-joints to splitting ;
Treated M.P.’s like naughty boys,
To be “kept in” an autumn sitting!
There’s only one thing to be done,
Por Ministers to save their bacon ;
That’s to re-cross the Bubicon,
To ground they ne’er should have forsaken.
Own that to swim that famous stream,
They have been too much in a hurry;
As t’other side was unknown ground,
And folks won’t take Bright for their “ Murray.”
On the wrong side the Bubicon,
Hang me, if longer I remain;
Gladstone must just re-build his boats.
And take us back again !
I am a tractable M.P.
As ever trotted to division ;
A steady wheeler, safe to drive,
Ne’er with his leaders in collision.
My aim the greatest happiness
Of (Number One) the greatest number:
My highest hope, as Junior Lord,
Some day on Treasury-bench to slumber.
Views of my own I ne’er set up,
Indeed, in general, “ views ” offend me;
I ope my mouth, and shut, my eyes.
And, thankful, take what Brand may send me.
The sacred skirts of Government
Still holding reverently on to.
As feeling but for their safe guide
None knows where he might, not have gone to.
But now we’ve crossed the Bubicon,
One seeks the old landmarks all in vain:
If Gladstone hadn’t burnt his boats,
We might get back again!
COCKEB IN THE COMMONS.
With grave sorrow Mr. Punch learns from high authority that thirty
Members only of a reformed Parliament are competent to*do a sum in
long division. As Minister of Public Instruction Mr. Punch, therefore,
deems it incumbent on him to compile a Handy-book of Arithmetic,
shorn of all pedantic pleasantry, and furnished with Tables adapted both
to the cross and opposition benches. Pending publication of this
popular manual, we offer a few extracts from it, by which the diligent
student will be enabled rapidly to cut a figure in any circle—political or
polite.
Division of Parties.
Divide 310 Liberals, 290 Conservatives, and 58 ultra-Liberals by
3 Bills, 6 Instructions, and 9 Amendments. What will a Ministerial
measure come to. Ans. Grief.
Subtraction of Whigs.
Prom Whigs various. 300
Deduct Whigs pur et simple . 285
“ Back Government, you ’scape all mess ”—
This faith your wise M.P. professes:
But now supporting Government
Seems to mean getting into messes.
Left to oneself, with bed-fellows
More strange one couldn’t have been huddled:
Knocked one’s head against more stone walls,
Been worse misled, or more bemuddled !
By Jove, here we have Ministers
Tackling Beform as if they meant it!
Here’s Gladstone hand-in-glove with Bright—
’Taint natural, and he ’ll repent it!
No wonder that a Bill so bred
Could find no Cabinet to fit it;
How could it e’er be hoped to float
When ere ’twas launched its builders split it ?
And so we crossed the Bubicon,
But nearly swamp’d by leak and strain,
With Gladstone swearing at the helm
He’d ne’er go back again.
But when we’d crossed, with help of Bright,
The House the half-bill wished to smother;
At least, before they’d own that half,
They vowed they must be shown the other.
Though Gladstone kicked, and winced, and frowned,
And Bright foretold terrific weather.
They both had to eat humble pie.
And see the two halves tacked together!
Now, though the halves are made a whole,
The ill-will of the House increases :
It cheers on Lowe, at Gladstone girds.
And pulls his pretty groups to pieces.
And now we’re getting on in June,
With four months of the Session wasted;
The Tories roar, the House is sore,
And won’t be buttered, much less basted—
Although we’ve crossed the Bubicon,
What we ’re to do next win? ’ll explain P
If Gladstone hadn’t burnt his boats,
We might get back again!
There remain Whigs 15 not so pure and simple.
Vulgar Fractions,
Beduce Parliamentary Oratory to a common denominator. Ans.
Bosh.
Multiplication of Motions.
By Motions vexatious multiply Motions frivolous, and find the pro-
bable time of proroguing the House=lst January, 1867.
LAW POB DEBTOBS.
Dear Sir,
I read something about “ Unsecured Creditors ” in an account
of the New Debtors’ Act. I quite agree with the opinion that all
Creditors ought to be secured, and precious well secured too. I only
wish I could lock up some of mine for a month or two, and then farewell,
Old England! At present I regret to say that they are all unsecured,
and are free to pounce upon me at any moment.
I am, dear Sir, yours.
Whitewash Street. A Penny in the Pound.
Quousque Tandem.
Says the last telegram—
“ Fenian Circles are being arranged with reference to a raid into Canada.”
We hope so. There is a certain circle which should be especially con-
secrated to Penian use. It is composed of hempen material, and is
dependant. If any Penian scoundrel crosses into Canada, we hope
that he will be made a Knight of the Hempen Circle. Priends at a
distance please accept this intimation.
SCIENTIFIC INTELLIGENCE.
At the next Meeting of the Horticultural Society a Paper will be
read “ On the Coolness of the Cucumber.”
To Metropolitan Guardians.—“ Should banded Unions persecute
Opinion?”—Tennyson.