Punch (58.1870)

22

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[January 22, 1870.

AN EXTRA LAW LORD.

The question of Life Peerages will probably be re^
opened, if there is any truth in the report that a leading
functionary in connection with the legal Executive will
shortly be exalted to a sear, in the House of Lords. The
aentleman for whom this honour is supposed to be de-
signed is one whose services have extended over a period of
many years. Though still retaining all the mental energies
which lie ever possessed, he is said to have suffered some
impairment of those physical abilities demanded by the
peculiar nature of his office. Humanity requires the due
adjustment of the noose, and Justice the adequate appli-
cation of the lash: but the ends of both Justice and
Humanity are foiled by the unsteadiness and debility of
the Executioner. It is, therefore, desirable that a dignified
and pensioned, yet not idle retirement;, should be allotted
to the bodily enfeebled but still mentally vigorous Finisher
of the Law. Elevation to the Peerage seems an honour
not unsuitable to one who has himself been instrumental
in elevating many others out-of-doors • and there are
reasons why that honour should not in this case be here-
ditary. It is therefore to be hoped that the Law Lords
will interpose no obstacle to the promotion of that dis-
tinguished officer. Let them remember how often his
hands have rendered the learned Judges that important
service necessary to the ultimate fulfilment of their behests.

On consideration their Lordships will not fail to per-
ceive that the institution of Life Peerages already exists
in the Bench of Bishops, and therefore no real innovation
will be effected in conferring a Peerage, for hie only, on
Mr. Calcraft. But whether Her Majesty may be
advised to create Mr. Calcraft a Life Peer, or to
invest him with a minor dignity, everybody must see that
it is high time he was decently superannuated.

We had almost forgotten to state that the title by
which Government proposes to call Mr. Calcraft to
the Upper House, is, if the whisper of rumour can be
credited, that of Baron Hempstead.

A SERIOUS MATTER.

Fond Mother {finishing tip a little bit of advice). " And be sues, Edwin, what-
ever you do, never ALLOW youkself to TfilFLE with any YoUNG lady's

Affections. "

Flashes of Bright Light.

The report of the Birmingham meeting with Bright's
speech, containing nine thousand and six words was
"wired" to London by 12'30 p.m. the same night.
" Wonderful Telegraph feat," say the Journals. " Wonder-
ful Telegraph hands ! " says Punch.

IMPORTANT CABINET REVELATION.

As the President of the Board of Trade declined to reveal the
secrets of the Cabinet in regard to the Irish Land Bill, Mr. Punch,
feeling that the nation must not be kept in suspense any longer, has
obtained Erench leave to publish an outline of the measure about to be
proposed. It is of a very general and comprehensive kind. The details
may be revised, but the main points are as follows :—

1. The name of Ireland is to be abolished, and that island is to be
called in future Sisterland.

2. The Brogue is to be forbidden, except in the case of very pretty
young Irish girls, who are to obtain a licence from Mr. Punch to use
it, on payment of certain fees.

3. The Blarney Stone is to be publicly smashed, to signify the end
of the reign of humbug.

4. Oranges (except at dessert) and Ribbons, (except for ladies) are
to be for ever excluded from Sisterland.

5. All Eenians are to be handed to our ally, the Emperor of Russia,
who, for a consideration, undertakes to instruct them in mining, for an
indefinite period.

6. All other cultivators of the soil are to be removed, in great com-
fort, in Her Majesty's ships, to Australia, where farm buildings and
land will be provided for them, and where they will remain for a period
not exceeding (unless they wish it) Eive Years. They will be taught
high-farming during this time.

7. The whole of the Irish Landlords will be sent to Scotland, where
the Dukes have undertaken to provide them with residences, and
where they will learn economical habits, and their duties towards their
dependents.

8. Sisterland being thus cleared, Scientific Companies, composed
of skilful farmers, will survey the lands, and contracts will be taken
for putting them into proper cultivation, with all the improvements.
This process to last for Eive Years.

9. The Priests will be sent to Rome, by arrangement with the Holy
Chair.

10. The Parsons will be sent to China, by arrangement with the
Brother of the Moon.

11. At the end of the Five Years, a number of the Australian
sojourners, sufficient to cultivate the island on rational principles, will
be selected in the fairest manner, by lot, brought home, and placed on
the improved farms. They will pay a proper rent, to be collected by
the Government.

12. When this settlement shall have taken place, a Competitive
Examination of Landlords will be held; and to such as seem qualified
to form a desirable Upper Class, residences in Sisterland will be
allotted, with a Government allowance, subject to conditions of
behaviour.

13. The cities will be cleansed, drained, and improved, and all
beggars will be sent to the Red River.

11. No Journal will appear, except licensed by Mr. Punch.

15. An English Princess will be created Vice-Queen of Sisterland,
will constantly reside ia the island, and hold Courts in each of the four
provinces.

16. Mr. Punch will be Dictator-General, with absolute power of life,
death, and dinner-parties.

PICKLES!

At an education meeting the other day a Mr. Pickles, an engineer,
illustrated his acquaintance with the subject by stating that, "the
students at Harrow, for instance, have to pay fees for cock-fighting
and fisticuffs." Pickles is quite right. There is also a bear kept by
the head-master, to be baited on Sunday afternoons, the dogs must be
bond fide the property of boys: the under-masters are bound to keep
ducks, which are hunted on a pond every Wednesday: cocks are
thrown at by the younger lads : and there is a greased Maypole erected
once a week, to (be climbed by the higher forms. It is delightful to
think how the good cause of education must prosper, when those who
take it in hand are so well informed as is Mr. Pickles.