DOI issue:
February 26, 1870
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16885#0092
Febluabt 26, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
83
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
1 feel that I ought io be dreadfully, unbearably, hot, but I'm not.
There seems, as I lie on my back, bound down by sheets under a huge
feather bed or two, to be a sort of infernal jingle of a rhyme in my
nead.
I ought to be hot,
But I'm not, I'm not.
I will if I can,
Like Der andere Mann.
Who is this Andere Mann? I've never seen him. Perhaps he is
;n the next cell to me. Wish I could sleep. Should like to, but
mustn't; at least Caspar says it's bad to do so. Must stay in for forty
minutes. Impossible to read, even if one had a book. Why don't they
invent some plan of fixing up a book before you ? Wish Friddy were
here : she'd read to me. Devoted wife, reading to vapour-bathed hus-
band. I am not very warm. Wonder if it's doing me good ? or harm ?
Bath-man looks in. He takes a towel, and wipes my forehead :
apparently without any satisfactory result, as he is more disgusted
with me than ever.
" Nein," he says, " nix varm." Then in a tone of expostulation,
" Der andere Mann much varm : sveot der andere Mann."
I am getting angry: I feel it. 1 am annoyed. What do I care
about Der andere Mann's state of heat ? I wish I knew the German
lor " comparisons are odious," I'd say it. All I do is to restrain my
impatience, and merely say, " Oh, very odd. Twenty minutes," by
which I mean that in that time I will leave this bed, whatever happens,
much varm or not. Begin to think I've had enough of it.
Ten Minutes after the above.—Interval of thinking of nothing, except
He speaks ; "plus has" he says, whereupon, after thinking for a few
seconds what he means, I take up my position one step lower. I
can imagine a very nervous man being thoroughly frightened by the
next proceeding, which is to take you, quite unawares, by the leg.
Somehow it's the last thing any one would think of. It seems to me
that the Doucheman has no settled plan, but (.hat after considering
the patients for a few minutes, he is suddenly seized by a—
Happy Thought.—" Take him by the left leg " {vide poem about the
infidel Longlegs) and pummel his foot.
The noise of the water rushing through the pipe on to my leg pre-
vents conversation (it is Niagara in miniature), otherwise I should like
to talk to him about the art of douching, and what is his idea of the par-
ticular benefit to the subject. In a moment's pause, that is, before he
gets hold of my other leg, I collect myself for a question in French,
" Why do you do this ? " It sounds piteous, I fancy, as if I had
added, "I never did anything unlund 1o you ! "
He answers that it is "pour faire rouler le sang" and begins knead-
ing my instep.
Happy Thought.—A kneaded friend is a fiiend indeed, or, a friend
who kneads is a friend indeed.
Think it out, and put it down to Sydney Smith.
Douche on my hands, arms, chest, everywhere.
Happy Thought.-—All round my hat. Happier thought, on expand-
ing my chest to the full force of the water, " All round my heart."
Niagara on my back. Squirt, rush, whizz, sky-rockets of water at
me. I am catching it heavily over the shoulders.
Happy Thought.—Should like to turn round suddenly, and see if
the Doucheman is laughing. I daresay it's very good fun for him.
Sort of perpetual practical joke. Capital employment for Milburd if
he ever wants a situation.
Trying to recollect poetry, and failing. Bath-mau enters. He is In twenty minutes it is all over.
puzzled by my comparative frigidity. Happy Thought.—Write a description of it all in some cheap form
Der andere Mann" he begins again, " much varm: sveat, de.
andere Mann, much sveat" This in a loud Tone, and as if at a loss to
find terms to make me comprehend ihe admirable conduct of this
Call it '' Twenty minutes with a Doucheman." Telegraph the idea to
Popgood and Groolly. They haven't replied to my other telegram.
Fresh water is turned on up to 30° Beiumur, and I sit calmly medi-
infernal Andere Mann ; " but," he goes on, more in sorrow than in . fating on the stirring events of the last half hour in the tranquillity of
aDger at my utter failure, " you, nix varm, nix sveat; nutting," and j the ordinary bath, the Doucheman having resumed his nightgown and
he consequently comes with towels rather before his time, having ; wished me bonjour.
decided upon giving me up as a bad job. He shakes his head dejec- j Happy Thought.—-" Oh that a Doucheman's draught should be," &c,
Tedly, as he goes through the mere formality of wrapping me up, and j Sing it myself. Stop on remembering that if Der andere Marm is in
rubbing me down, to preserve me from sudden chill, and soon leaves me
as unworthy of further attention, probably to report my extraordinary
the building, this will encourage him to begin his operatic selections.
Back in my Room at Hotel.—Never felt so well. Premonitory
conduct to the Andere Mann, and to praise him m fulsome language ; symptoms of gout have come out aijd gone. Telegraph to Popgood
for his exemplary bearing m and out of the vapour bath AJJD Qroolly. Sav, " Premonitorv symptoms gone. How about
Try again another day I say to Bath-man as I leave. But he , theory-origination ? Will you ? Wire back."
has no reply for me: he is dejected, lhere are only two men, who, now
the season is over, come to these baths. One is myself, and the other is
Der andere Mann, and the first is, in the Bath-man's opinion, beneath
contempt as a " Dampf-shifter." ' A QUESTION OP THE DAY.
English party here, small by degrees, and beautifully less; which Dear Mr Punch
quotation; also applies to the gouts, and rheumatisms, and other ills the ' Education is the Great Question of the Day. Contempo-
flesh is heir to, under Dr. Caspar s treatment and application of ; raneous history is a part of education. This is partly obtained by the
sulphur waters. study of the newspapers. But, Sir, in the interests of moralitv, in the
System m my case undergoes a change Besides the vapour bath, bterests uf t,me civiilsation, would it not be better if the full reports
where after several ineffectual attempts 1 never can come up to the of the Divorce Court could be reduced to the very minimum of in-
temperature of Der andere Mann, 1 am now douched. formation ?
The Douche.—The Doucheman, I mean the man who gives you the
douche, appears dressed in a sort of nightgown and nightcap. I get
out of his way at first, under the impression that he is an elderly lady,
who has mistaken her compartment in the bath. He beckons me. I
hesitate, under the above-mentioned impression, naturally. He smiles,
and beckons me again.
Happy Thought.—Not unlike Hamlet's Father's Ghost. "His custom
always of an afternoon."
Another Happy Thought in the same line.—" Lead on, I follow." He
does lead on, and 1 do follow. To a cell with bath, similar to the others,
only with a large water-pipe in it, coming down the back wall, above
where your head would be if you sat under it.
We are both silent. He shuts the door. There is something un-
pleasantly mysterious in these movements. Peel that I must be on
the defensive. (Nervous system a little out of order, or else why be
afraid of a Doucheman, who, I know, will not do me any harm ? Shall
refer this to Caspar, who will feel my pulse, which of itself is an opera-
tion that disturbs me considerably until the Doctor speaks, when I
invariably feel relieved, whatever he says.) Doucheman suddenly takes
off his bathing-gown and appears something like an acrobat who is
going to support another acrobat on a pole. I am the other acrobat.
Wish I knew the German for " acrobat." He speaks Prench, so I try
" Acrobar." I say, " We are two Acrobars," pleasantly. He nods
(he is now standing in the bath, doing something with the mouth of
t he pipe), smiles, and turns the water on to himself, just to see how
he likes it before he tries it on me.
He is satisfied with the waterworks, and again imitates the Ghost in
" Hamlet." I descend the steps. " Speak ! I'll go no farther."
Publicity in such cases as come within Lord Penzance's jurisdic-
tion, is, as experience teaches, no deterrent from crime, but may, too
often, suggest precedents for the avoidance of discovery.
Yours thoughtfully, Peter Familias,
A GOOD LOOK-OUT FOR LODGE11S.
Here is an earthly Paradise for Lodgers—at least, so the Adver-
tiser very likely thinks :—
A PARTMENTS FURNISHED, to be Let. * * Close to Railways
T\- and Omnibuses. Terms moderate. * * No cat.
Considering the screams and screeches they emit, proximity to rail-
ways may be questionably pleasurable. But what a world of comfort,
and what saving of one's marmalade, cigars, odd coppers, and cold
mutton is to the lodger's mind implied by those two little words—
"No Cat!"
A Very Serious Plague.
Everybody has his pet plague of Irish land tenure. Punch has an
idea that the great curse of landed property in Ireland is the slugs.
In other countries they destroy the green crops, in Ireland they destroy
the landlords.
An Important Distinction.—The unmarried woman is rated
herself. The married woman's rating falls on her husband.
83
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.
1 feel that I ought io be dreadfully, unbearably, hot, but I'm not.
There seems, as I lie on my back, bound down by sheets under a huge
feather bed or two, to be a sort of infernal jingle of a rhyme in my
nead.
I ought to be hot,
But I'm not, I'm not.
I will if I can,
Like Der andere Mann.
Who is this Andere Mann? I've never seen him. Perhaps he is
;n the next cell to me. Wish I could sleep. Should like to, but
mustn't; at least Caspar says it's bad to do so. Must stay in for forty
minutes. Impossible to read, even if one had a book. Why don't they
invent some plan of fixing up a book before you ? Wish Friddy were
here : she'd read to me. Devoted wife, reading to vapour-bathed hus-
band. I am not very warm. Wonder if it's doing me good ? or harm ?
Bath-man looks in. He takes a towel, and wipes my forehead :
apparently without any satisfactory result, as he is more disgusted
with me than ever.
" Nein," he says, " nix varm." Then in a tone of expostulation,
" Der andere Mann much varm : sveot der andere Mann."
I am getting angry: I feel it. 1 am annoyed. What do I care
about Der andere Mann's state of heat ? I wish I knew the German
lor " comparisons are odious," I'd say it. All I do is to restrain my
impatience, and merely say, " Oh, very odd. Twenty minutes," by
which I mean that in that time I will leave this bed, whatever happens,
much varm or not. Begin to think I've had enough of it.
Ten Minutes after the above.—Interval of thinking of nothing, except
He speaks ; "plus has" he says, whereupon, after thinking for a few
seconds what he means, I take up my position one step lower. I
can imagine a very nervous man being thoroughly frightened by the
next proceeding, which is to take you, quite unawares, by the leg.
Somehow it's the last thing any one would think of. It seems to me
that the Doucheman has no settled plan, but (.hat after considering
the patients for a few minutes, he is suddenly seized by a—
Happy Thought.—" Take him by the left leg " {vide poem about the
infidel Longlegs) and pummel his foot.
The noise of the water rushing through the pipe on to my leg pre-
vents conversation (it is Niagara in miniature), otherwise I should like
to talk to him about the art of douching, and what is his idea of the par-
ticular benefit to the subject. In a moment's pause, that is, before he
gets hold of my other leg, I collect myself for a question in French,
" Why do you do this ? " It sounds piteous, I fancy, as if I had
added, "I never did anything unlund 1o you ! "
He answers that it is "pour faire rouler le sang" and begins knead-
ing my instep.
Happy Thought.—A kneaded friend is a fiiend indeed, or, a friend
who kneads is a friend indeed.
Think it out, and put it down to Sydney Smith.
Douche on my hands, arms, chest, everywhere.
Happy Thought.-—All round my hat. Happier thought, on expand-
ing my chest to the full force of the water, " All round my heart."
Niagara on my back. Squirt, rush, whizz, sky-rockets of water at
me. I am catching it heavily over the shoulders.
Happy Thought.—Should like to turn round suddenly, and see if
the Doucheman is laughing. I daresay it's very good fun for him.
Sort of perpetual practical joke. Capital employment for Milburd if
he ever wants a situation.
Trying to recollect poetry, and failing. Bath-mau enters. He is In twenty minutes it is all over.
puzzled by my comparative frigidity. Happy Thought.—Write a description of it all in some cheap form
Der andere Mann" he begins again, " much varm: sveat, de.
andere Mann, much sveat" This in a loud Tone, and as if at a loss to
find terms to make me comprehend ihe admirable conduct of this
Call it '' Twenty minutes with a Doucheman." Telegraph the idea to
Popgood and Groolly. They haven't replied to my other telegram.
Fresh water is turned on up to 30° Beiumur, and I sit calmly medi-
infernal Andere Mann ; " but," he goes on, more in sorrow than in . fating on the stirring events of the last half hour in the tranquillity of
aDger at my utter failure, " you, nix varm, nix sveat; nutting," and j the ordinary bath, the Doucheman having resumed his nightgown and
he consequently comes with towels rather before his time, having ; wished me bonjour.
decided upon giving me up as a bad job. He shakes his head dejec- j Happy Thought.—-" Oh that a Doucheman's draught should be," &c,
Tedly, as he goes through the mere formality of wrapping me up, and j Sing it myself. Stop on remembering that if Der andere Marm is in
rubbing me down, to preserve me from sudden chill, and soon leaves me
as unworthy of further attention, probably to report my extraordinary
the building, this will encourage him to begin his operatic selections.
Back in my Room at Hotel.—Never felt so well. Premonitory
conduct to the Andere Mann, and to praise him m fulsome language ; symptoms of gout have come out aijd gone. Telegraph to Popgood
for his exemplary bearing m and out of the vapour bath AJJD Qroolly. Sav, " Premonitorv symptoms gone. How about
Try again another day I say to Bath-man as I leave. But he , theory-origination ? Will you ? Wire back."
has no reply for me: he is dejected, lhere are only two men, who, now
the season is over, come to these baths. One is myself, and the other is
Der andere Mann, and the first is, in the Bath-man's opinion, beneath
contempt as a " Dampf-shifter." ' A QUESTION OP THE DAY.
English party here, small by degrees, and beautifully less; which Dear Mr Punch
quotation; also applies to the gouts, and rheumatisms, and other ills the ' Education is the Great Question of the Day. Contempo-
flesh is heir to, under Dr. Caspar s treatment and application of ; raneous history is a part of education. This is partly obtained by the
sulphur waters. study of the newspapers. But, Sir, in the interests of moralitv, in the
System m my case undergoes a change Besides the vapour bath, bterests uf t,me civiilsation, would it not be better if the full reports
where after several ineffectual attempts 1 never can come up to the of the Divorce Court could be reduced to the very minimum of in-
temperature of Der andere Mann, 1 am now douched. formation ?
The Douche.—The Doucheman, I mean the man who gives you the
douche, appears dressed in a sort of nightgown and nightcap. I get
out of his way at first, under the impression that he is an elderly lady,
who has mistaken her compartment in the bath. He beckons me. I
hesitate, under the above-mentioned impression, naturally. He smiles,
and beckons me again.
Happy Thought.—Not unlike Hamlet's Father's Ghost. "His custom
always of an afternoon."
Another Happy Thought in the same line.—" Lead on, I follow." He
does lead on, and 1 do follow. To a cell with bath, similar to the others,
only with a large water-pipe in it, coming down the back wall, above
where your head would be if you sat under it.
We are both silent. He shuts the door. There is something un-
pleasantly mysterious in these movements. Peel that I must be on
the defensive. (Nervous system a little out of order, or else why be
afraid of a Doucheman, who, I know, will not do me any harm ? Shall
refer this to Caspar, who will feel my pulse, which of itself is an opera-
tion that disturbs me considerably until the Doctor speaks, when I
invariably feel relieved, whatever he says.) Doucheman suddenly takes
off his bathing-gown and appears something like an acrobat who is
going to support another acrobat on a pole. I am the other acrobat.
Wish I knew the German for " acrobat." He speaks Prench, so I try
" Acrobar." I say, " We are two Acrobars," pleasantly. He nods
(he is now standing in the bath, doing something with the mouth of
t he pipe), smiles, and turns the water on to himself, just to see how
he likes it before he tries it on me.
He is satisfied with the waterworks, and again imitates the Ghost in
" Hamlet." I descend the steps. " Speak ! I'll go no farther."
Publicity in such cases as come within Lord Penzance's jurisdic-
tion, is, as experience teaches, no deterrent from crime, but may, too
often, suggest precedents for the avoidance of discovery.
Yours thoughtfully, Peter Familias,
A GOOD LOOK-OUT FOR LODGE11S.
Here is an earthly Paradise for Lodgers—at least, so the Adver-
tiser very likely thinks :—
A PARTMENTS FURNISHED, to be Let. * * Close to Railways
T\- and Omnibuses. Terms moderate. * * No cat.
Considering the screams and screeches they emit, proximity to rail-
ways may be questionably pleasurable. But what a world of comfort,
and what saving of one's marmalade, cigars, odd coppers, and cold
mutton is to the lodger's mind implied by those two little words—
"No Cat!"
A Very Serious Plague.
Everybody has his pet plague of Irish land tenure. Punch has an
idea that the great curse of landed property in Ireland is the slugs.
In other countries they destroy the green crops, in Ireland they destroy
the landlords.
An Important Distinction.—The unmarried woman is rated
herself. The married woman's rating falls on her husband.