Punch (58.1870)

200 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [m^y 21, 1870.

constabulary destitution.

was an Attenborough, whose iron
shutters were quietly and slowly bored
through the other night in Fleet Street.
B was a Beaumont, into whose house
in Piccadilly burglars made their way a
few evenings ago between 9 and 9 30,
and stole jewellery to the value of £10,000.
Everybody naturally screams, " Where
were the Police?" and Echo answers,
not " where," of course, bat "ice,:' with
the i soft. C is a castle, as every
Englishman's house is supposed to be,
but it is a castle liable, in London at
least, at any hour of the night, if not
the day, to be surprised and broken into
by burglars. The Police are our earthly
Guardian Angels; but their number is
so small, comparatively to our own,
that they would need angel's wings to

^preface.

Forget the city and its penny boats,
Forget the organ-grinders' horrid notes,
Forget the inharmonious German Band,
Forget the cabs and 'busses in the Strand.
And think that near an inn beside the stream
Wanders a broken man as in a dream.
Pass with him onward, to the inn, behold
Six youthful oarsmen and a steersman bold
Seated at table, where with jest and laugh
They quaff in equal draughts the Shandygaff,
To them the ancient bending form appeals,
Who laughingly present him with stewed eels;
And calling to him shrivelled, sore, and grey,
They bid him tell a tale or go his way.

be ordinarily at our beck and call in case of need, and, in ninety^ine t1 Argument —The old man chooses to tell his tale, with which decisic
cases out of a hundred, angel's ears also, to be able to hear us call them. | the u deluded.

And their visits are, in regard to each householder, like those of angels.

COLLAEADO;

or, the starchy paradise.

The ABC of Police inadequacy having been stated, it is unneces-
sary, though it would be easy, to go through the whole alphabet. Our
social Army requires to be augmented. Colonel Henderson would

probably find it enough to commission a Police-sergeant to hold up his

£ ' . , . . i-_____i. -c —-l-i____-•- *u„ ~______<■»- u«i__4.____u

I do not wish to rival Mister Morris,
Nor can I sing as did the Roman Orris,
[" Horace, my friend," the president objects
" We've enough ' h's' to supply defects."]
Fresh words I pour oat on your willing ears,

finger; at any rate a bunch of ribbons in the sergeant's helmet would \ To raise your hopes, or soothe your idle fears

Of ancient Rome and Greece I will not sing.
To other bards I leave that sort of thing ;
But, sooth, I'll tell a tale with sorrow rife,
And burden'd with the burden of my life.

prove a sufficient attraction, or, besides, a number of bills might be
posted about inviting spirited young men to enlist in the corps, indi-
cated by a handsome full-length illustration representing one of its
gallant 'officers. No necessary increase of pay would be grudged by

judicious and truly economical rate-payers, and any that is needed Wl , , £, ■ T «

should be promptly allowed. ^hat reck ^ of thte where °hr ^hence 1 caif P

It is very much to be desired that the Chief Commissioner of the ^ho ^ere fj ancestors or what s my name ?

Police Force should rank with a Field Marshal, and be raised to the °fn,ce lt coald.^rac? aa honoured cheque, ana still

Peerage, with a salary sufficient to maintain his dignity ; moreover, i n tIas a certam vallie on. a Dill,

that he should receive the first vacant Garter; but in the meantime he " fill him the gaff cup "—
could be created a C.B., which letters, supposed to stand for Cold ;n dayS 0f Q[±

Bath, might strike terror into the minds of evil-doers. For me my servants golden goblets folid*

Baronetcies, in reasonable plenty, should be conferred on meritorious j And every guest I grotet I was the—host,

inspectors aud successful detectives. Medals, with any fitting number Who joined all healths in one compressive'toast,

of clasps, should be awarded to private constables who have distin- Sach was I in the days when—
guished themselves ; and any uncommon act of daring on the part of any j Here's to you !

member of the Force, performed in apprehending a ruffian, or other- ]\T0W t0 my tale, romantic, strange, but true,

wise in the discharge of his duty, should be recompensed with the But ere the Bard resumes, send round the hat,

Victoria Cross. The thing is as cheap as a cabman's badge, and homage : Remember, friends, Bis dat qui eitb dat.

costs nothing. I've been a wanderer. This furrow'd brow-
By these acknowledgments of the due position of the police in the
scale of honour, that branch of the service would be rendered popular I A- Quest.

and attractive, and then it would never be either under-officered or Straight to thy point, and do not wander now.
under-manned. Men of education would gladly enrol themselves

among its members, and the complaint that we lack competent Collarado.

Detectives would cease. The demand for such experts would be gay ]esting youth, thou hast an empty head,

answered by a supply of clever men such as many of those who now go Though in thy best thou art apparelled;

to the Bar, and they, if not themselves the best of all possible thiet- Atui couid une feathers constitute fine birds,

takers, would know well how to set a thiet to catch a thief. Then thou wouldst be_

Something ought to be done to terminate the present insecurity of Bat I refrain from words

metropolitan property, if not life too. As long as nothing is done, to 1 Which have no bearing on my present tale,

abuse the Greeks so violently as some of us do, lor tolerating brigand- jjere >a t0 you ^ once m0K} ja generous ale.
age, is cool. The saucepan might just as well call the tea-kettle a

nigger. The President.

a Serious Canard,

Mix, you around me,—for his tale will halt—
The beer of gmger with the tear of malt.
Refresh the aged. What he has to tell

The Record having contained a paragraph, stating that Lord Must clear as lymph be. Truth lies in a well

Hervey, Bishop of Bath and Weils, had ordered a credence table for j NaV) my 0ld man) the sparkle in thine eye

his cathedral, and intended to introduce credence tables throughout his 1
diocese, Mr. Henry Barnard, chapter clerk of Wells Cathedral,
writes to that journal authoritatively contradicting those statements.
The only credence concerned in this case appears to be that which the
Record has given to a hoax.

The Plebiscite.

Proclaims that thou would'st say, Truth cannot lis.
Youth bow revering, and with head bent low
Honour the jest made milliaries ago.
Begin and finish: age will have its joke
As youth its fling. Strike lucifers, we '11 smoke.

[During the President's Speech the old man has been drinking, and i»
note prepared to commence his strange tale.

Will vou have me ? " the Emperor cries : * Folld. The perfect tense of To Jill.

From France what 'a the answer that flows ? t G-rote. Perfect of To greet. Should, in the couras of this poem, mote

strike the reader's eye, it will save much trouble to take it aa the perfect of
To meet.

This about " mote,"
WilL save a note.

Seven millions tarn up their " A.yes
And more thau a million their " Noes."

Bridgewater and Beverley to Wit.—" Revising the Lectionary "
is, no doubt, a good thing. Bat oh, if John Bull could revise his

" Electionary !" | Tas Strongest Conscience-Claws.—Pangs of Remorse.