Punch (58.1870)

May 21, 1870.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

201

EUPHEMISM BEFORE ACCURACY.

T

he contrast between our own
delicacy and the coarseness
of our forefathers is very
self-gratifying, especially
when we regard the ideas of
verbal propriety entertained
by the sensitive playgoing
public of the present day.
An abridgment of Sir
John Vanbrugh's comedy,
origiually called " The Re-
lapse ; or Virtue in Banger"
was produced, under the
title of" The Man of Quality,"
on the evening of last Satur-
day week. On that occasion
the immense superiority in
refinement of the preseat
age to former periods was
strikingly illustrated. Of
course the play had under-
gone the most careful ex-
purgation ; but even this
was not enough to satisfy
the delicacy of a modern British audience. According to a theatrical
critic:—

" It was well for the adapter that he executed his difficult task with the
requisite vigilance, for it so happened that there was among the audience on
Saturday evening a handful of virtuous spectators who were determined to
resent the slightest attempt to sacrifice good manners to wit. The hisses with
which these precisians received Sir Tunbelly Clumsy's energetic denunciation
of all the personages of the scene, just as the curtain is about to fall, evoked
a counter-demonstration from the majority of the audience, who, taking up
the challenge in a defiant spirit, cheered lustily."

Thus it appears that all the nicety with which unusual expressions
had been eliminated from Vanbrugh's text was not sufficient to satisfy
a considerable minority of the House. Nor certainly was it so exact
as the purity of the age demands. Not only was an energetic denun-
ciation permitted to proceed from the mouth of the character named in
the foregoing extract; energetic denunciation being strong language :
but that character was suffered to retain his highly objectionable pre-
name. In Society no one, even when consulting a doctor, ever uses
any expression specifically denoting the region of the digestive organs.
Every person employs an euphemisim, although it confounds their
cavity with that of the respiratory. Accordingly, let us hope the
character in " The Man of Quality" surnamed Clumsy, will be imme-
diately re-christened, both in the playbills and in the piece. With a
transposition, for euphony's sake, the change might be made nicely,
Sir Tun, Sfc, Clumsy being altered to Sir Clumsy Tunchest.

SONGS OF THE SORROWFUL.

in.—" THE MAN WHO COULDN'T SAY " NO."

Some folks cannot pronounce their " R's "—

That's in their proper place,
Although they talk of " Pars " and " Mars,"

Which is another case.
Some folks change double " U's " to " V's,"

Which sounds extremely low.
My case is harder far than these,

/ cannot utter " No."

Their " H's " some find rather hard,

When soft they ought to sound ;
In "hour" and "honest" folks debarr'd

Of ear oft come aground.
Some will say " Srimp" and "Lewisam"—

The habit's one to grow—
But oh, much worse than these I am—

I cannot utter " No."

My palate's right, my teeth are good,

And very even grow ;
And Cambridge, couldn't, if it would,

Display a better " row."
I'm rather fluent so to speak,

My words are apt to flow;
But in one instance I am weak,

I cannot utter " No."

When any friend, who's in distress,

Applies to me for tin,
To help him out of any mess

I see the fellow grin
Before I can reply;—too well

He knows my failing, so,
He's quite aware that I shall shell—

I cannot utter " No."

As to the parish, it's a joke,

For my subscription's paid.
(It is—as shopmen say—" bespoke ")

Ere the request is made—
For pump, school, almshouse, market, hall,

Tea-feast or penny show,
On me the first they always call-

I cannot utter " No."

My marriage—'twas in Leap-year, and

The lady of my choice—
Or rather I was hers—command

Was in her look and voice—
Observed, " You're mine ! " what could I say ?

So sudden was the blow;
She on the spot arranged the day—

I couldn't utter " No."

Her mother, who at first would stay

To luncheon or to dine
(She's one quite in her daughter's way,

And very much in mine).
Now stops two months, or three, or four,

With my permission though,
For notwithstanding she's a bore—

I cannot utter " No."

I've poor relations by the heap—

Why should I call them poor ?
Since they have got one who will keep

The wolf from by their door.
They come in shoals, the hungry souls,

One calls himself "and Co.,"
And makes me buy his wretched coals—

I cannot utter " No."

One deals in wine I cannot drink,

Another's taste's harmonic;
A third, whose state of on the brink

Of bankruptcy is chronic.
I buy the wine, pianos too,

I make the third one glow
With joy, I help him to " pull through "—

I cannot utter " No."

My neighbours make me promise I

Will sponsor be to all;
The children in the district, why

The list would quite appal
All but the silversmiths, alas !

For cups what must I owe !
Scarcely a month or two can pass—

There ! I can't utter " No."

For many a day, for many a week,

I've laid awake and wept.
Stop ! Some photographer's I '11 seek

Where Negatives are kept.
Ha! Ha! Likewise He ! He ! and yet

The boisterous Ho ! Ho !
Eureka ! So I soon shall get

The means to utter " No ! "

Smacks of the Shop.

" A Massachusetts paper regrets that the crowded state of its columns will
not permit it to publish a furnished sketch of the life of a certain gentleman,
but promises to preserve it as materials for an obituary notice."

Only one word of inquiry. Was the gentleman an upholsterer ?

old and new.

The Seven Sleepers—A llomance of the Bail.

The Real "Monarch-Insurance Association."—Bed Bevola-
tionists.

Vol. 58.