Punch (58.1870)

June 18, 1870.1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

243

MYSTERIOUS CALLINGS.

ay we remark?—we

AN AMERICAN NEWTON.

Do you doubt the
correctness of this
assertion ? Look at
a list of trades pub

dustrial Divisions of
ihe International
Exhibition to be held
iti London next
jear, and ask your-
self whether a tole-
rably large percent-
age of these occu-
pations, in which
thousands of your
fellow-men are en-
gaged every day, are
not as utterly un-
>^ known to you as the

JXyymu='ZZ^ ^^S^IPpiS^^^ ■ sources of the Irra-

waddy, or the Chari-
table Institutions of
the Moon ? We will select a few, adding appropriate comments :—

Beaver-Cuiters.—The only instance of cruelty in the list. (But Qy.
as to the " Stripes Manufacturers.")

Calenderers.—Here, of course, is a misprint; and yet it is difficult to
see how the employment of those who are engaged in the preparation
of almanacs, calendars, &c, can, with propriety, be classed amongst
" Woollen Trades."

Mungo Merchants.—A handsome reward is offered to any one who
will give such information as may lead to the detection of this article
of commerce. We think there is a Saint Mungo; we know that
.Mt^go Park was very familiar to us in our boyhood ; but beyond this
we cannot get.

Plainback Manufacturers.—We have long known what wonderful
people there were m the manufacturing districts, but we confess that
this proof of their possessing the creative faculty does come upon us
by surprise. But wby, why, with such a power in their hands, cannot
they make handsome backs ? There are too many plain ones | rjITT0
already in society.

Regatta Manufacturers.—Would be invaluable at Cowes, or, indeed,
at any of the head quarters of our leading Yacht Clubs. Now, we don't
despair of meeting with Horse-Race Manufacturers and Cricket-Match
Makers.

Scribbling Millers.—No—this is a trade which certainly must not
be encouraged. There are too many writers already. Once allow (his
precedent, and the bakers and the butchers and the greengrocers will
all turn scribblers. The millers ought to know better.

Shag Manufacturers.—In the tobacco line ?

Lasting Manufacturers.—This is the business we will invest our
spare capital in. No fear of bankruptcy or composition with creditors;
no mills running short time ; no ups and downs; but good, solid, per-
manent transactions—all profit and no risk.

Dr. Newton, medical thaumaturge and spiritualistic mesmeriser,
will^thar^one half i otnerwise " healing medium," from America (U. S., of course), pro-
r.{ tli« wm-IH rW« ! fesses to cure not only people who resort to him, but also persons at
t k ow how the any distance- He takes no fees> bufc> according to The Medium,
other half-works. ! ^mt^t weekly journal:-

" Dr. Newton's Portraits are one shilling each. Those which have
been magnetised by the doctor are sold at two shillings. The proceeds of the
sales do not go into any private purse, but directly to the promoting of
Spiritualism in this country."

ished in the Times, | jf jj. js believed that anybody whosoever can derive any benefit from
a few days ago, in t,uese portraits of Dr. Newton except their original, it may be credited
an article^on the In- ; ^at j)R Newton himself derives none. Cela va sans dire. These
pictures may save trouble and time thrown away. In all probability
Dr. Newton's magnetised portraits are just as efficacious in the cure
of any disease as his mesmeric passes are, and his simple portraits
equally remedial with those to which he has imparted magnetism. It
is thus in the power of anybody, who believes in Dr. Newton's
therapeutic energies, to obtain all the good they can do at the small
charge of one shilling; and t here can be no doubt that any sufferer
had much better invest that sum in one of Dr. Newton's likenesses,
which cannot harm him, than spend the money on universal pills, or
any other description of quack medicine. Even the sceptic must admit
that he would rather look at a photograph than swallow a pill, and will,
therefore, at least own that there will be a change somewhat for the
better in case Dr. Newton should supersede those advertising specific
and panacea vendors of whom each is now in the enjoyment of an
extensive practice on public credulity.

The process by which Dr. Newton magnetises his portraits is not
generally known. Perhaps it is a simple wink of the eye. According
to his believers, he heals the sick like winking. PossiWy it suffices
him to magnetise his portraits by contemplating them in the eye of the
mind, and at the same time outstretching the fingers of one hand,
whilst the thumb is applied to the tip of the nose.

PRIZE TRANSLATIONS.
(by our own dunce.)

Horace, Ode 1.

Maecenas atavis edite regibus.—" O Maecenas, but you (like} a bird
eat kings."

Virgil, (from the Latin Grammar).

Hcec olim meminisse juvabit.—" Thus he was able to help him in
fetching the oil."

itto.

Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen ademptum.—" A mon-
ster horrid and informal (to be sure), but who was ingenious enough
to take away the light." _

Ditto.

Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima cygno.—" A rare (young woman
subaudito) to grandfathers in various lands and closely resembling a
black sign(-board)."

Additional Translation by a player at Baden.

Nimium ne crede colori.—" Back the red or the black, and don't only
go on the colour."

A CAUTION AS TO CROWDS.

Zebra Dress Manufacturers. — On application at the Zoological

Gardens we learn that there is no demand there for articles of clothing A 1<oreign Gentleman, standing in a crowd, by an abrupt, and

ot this description. Perhaps animals confined in travelling menageries probably nervous gesture of his hands, caused a couple of policemen to

mav require them. The officers of the Society have kindly promised to make the mistake of taking him into custody for attempting to pick

make further inquiry. pockets, and he was shut up at, Bow Street from Saturday till Monday

Blue Manufacturers.—In other words, manufacturers who, when
times are bad, are said to look blue.

Cud-bear Manufacturers.—This animal is not known at the Gardens.

Mr. Blowers, in discharging him, recommended him to " avoid
crowds for the future." Good advice for everybody who does not wish
to be taken up as a thief, or let in for a witness. Einding himself in a
crowd, a gentleman who does not know what to do with his hands

The Council would be very glad to receive a specimen for exhibition. cannot dispose of them better than by putting them in his pockets,

(ferhaps a misprint lor cub bearrj He wiU thus not only keep nis hands away from other people's pockets,

Flyer Makers.—The Aeronautic Society will be delighted. but keep the hands of other people out of his own pockets too.

Mule Makers.—Well, we are glad commercial enterprise has not j _
speculated in asses. Too many of them as it is.

Weavers' Mail Makers—Not one person in ten thousand can have What will they Do with it ?

known before that the peaceful weaver pursues his pacific calling They are advertising for Contracts for Supplies for the use of the

clothed in armour! Metropolitan Police. Amongst the articles specified is "Ship Chan

Woolley Teeth Makers.— Perhaps the most incomprehensible of all. dlery." What can the Police or the Police Courts want with "Ship

A Committee of Dentists is now engaged in investigating this pro- Chandlery?" We are completely at sea, unless it is required for the

bleui. Their report will be published in a later edition. Thames Police.