Punch (63.1872)

September 14, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HI

A WARRIOR ON WAR.

he other day a speech
was made at Preston
by Major German,
wherein he remarked
that it was surpris-
ing that the best
portion of Europe
should now be en-
gaged in devising
" schemes for blood-
sbed—for, in reality,
murder ; that the
warlike spirit of the
age seemed a mockery
of the Christianity
professed."

Hear, hear! Hear
the true, if trite,
words of excellent
Major German.
They are so logical
as well as so just in
a moral point of
view, and withal so
uncommonly remote
from any military
"shop," that every
thinking and humane
person must—

"Admire such wisdom
in a Major's shape."

It may be pre-
sumed that Major
German is a Major
only for the purposes
of national defence,
and would straight-
way quit the Army

if Mr. Gladstone, at the demand of the People, or any other Premier, for
that or any other reason, were to employ it in a foreign invasion. A ques-

tion, somewhat less thoughtful than the foregoing ob-
servations, was added to them by the gallant but pacific
officer:—

" Why, he asked, did not England call for national disarma-
ment? "

Because England would not have its request com-
plied with by national disarmament in such wise, con-
versely, as the demand of the heroine in the ballad of
Billy Taylor was for sword and pistol:—

" Which did come at her command."

The obedience of those weapons would not be
paralleled by national disarmament. The armaments of
foreign nations would not go at the command of
England.

Song of a London Scot.

Baker, Baker, strike awa' :

Ye '11 na gar me greet, mon.
Ken that I defy ye a';

Though bread grow dear as meat, mon.

Aits are baith bread an' meat to me,

Wha dinna keep my carriage.
Mysel, forbye the barley-bree,

Can live richt weel on parritch.

No Ghost.

In a discourse delivered to the Craven Agricultural
Society one day last week, at Skipton, Lord F. Caven-
dish, M.P., referring to "the existence of a strong and
a numerous class of small farmers," observed that—

"Political economists had prophesied with boldness that the
small farmer would soon disappear."

No fear of that. The smallest of small farmers is a
being of too, too solid flesh ever to vanish.

Policy and Principle.—Tax only the respectable and
the weak, Robert. They will but grumble. Grind the
middle classes. Medio tutissimus ibis.

THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.

{For this Year only.)

Denmark is well worth a visit. It is a country consisting entirely
of Villages and Hamlets. Our Shakspeare took one of his charac-
ters from these latter. "The monarchy of Denmark," we are in-
formed, " is the oldest in Europe," and if in its age it is anything
like a good Stilton, then we find at once the reason for the saying
that there is " something rotten in the state of Denmark." There
is no law against the use of the umbrella in Denmark, and everyone
may carry his own. Of course while here you'll go to

Copenhagen.—What, we ask, is the use of annually taking the
same old route up the Bhine and down the Rhine, and, as the song
says, "That's the way the money goes," being dropped pretty
freely between the two banks ? No, try our plan, and if you haven't
seen Copenhagen now's your chance. Here we are. There are
400,000 volumes in the Royal library. Take your Bradshaw in with
you, and you '11 have increased the number by one. Care will be
taken that the collection be not decreased by one or more volumes
on your withdrawal.

The population is 130,000, so now you've got a nice little sum to
occupy your spare moments—of course this won't apply to a very
stout person who never has any spare moments—and you can find
out how many volumes out of the Royal Library go to a person in
Copenhagen. A gentleman who has made this his study for years
computes it at 3fggg volumes to each individual Dane in Copen-
hagen.

The bathing here is simply perfect. The water of the Baltic is
half salt and half fresh. You can of course choose which half you
prefer.

It is extraordinary how incorrect some Guide Books are. One of
them says " The city is entered by four gates "—well all we can say
is, and we pledge ourselves to any respectable Uncle for the fact,
that we never saw any gate even attempting to enter the city.
Again, we were told that " Our eye would be taken by four Colossal
Statues,']—well, it wasn't true, our eye was not taken by anyone,
or anything, and it still ornaments our intellectual physiognomy.

Of course this Remembrancer only supposes the Tourist to be doing
rapid acts of journeyism, and he cannot be allowed to stop for more
than one day anywhere. So, taking our coupons in his pocket (and

keeping them there) he will travel rapidly and by the shortest and
most direct route to

Turkey, where the Rhubarb is. This country is inhabited by
regular Turks.

Advice to Travellers in Turkey.—The polite thing to do on landing
is to leave your card on the Sultana of the Harem. The Turks are
intensely hospitable, and you will require no money. The password
everywhere is " Allah is Allah, and Bismillah is his prophet." Do
not pat strange dogs in the street. Invariably carry with you a
sword-stick, a belt with revolvers, two daggers, and any other side-
arms for which you may have room, and never go out before ten in
the morning or after 11 a.m. Any information you require you
must bring with you, as no one here knows anything about anywhere
or anybody. When you land, immediately buy a fez, which you
will find will admirably suit your feziognomy.

Exercise.—Hire a Dancing Dervish by the hour, and practise your
steps. Walk down to the Golden Horn for a blow. There is but
one note which you will get out of the Golden Horn, and that is a
note of admiration.

You will walk about the bazaars, and if perhaps you miss the
picturesqueness of our own Soho Bazaar, of our Lowther and Bur-
lington Arcade, you will at least admit that were there but a beadle
present, the whole scene would be indeed perfect.

Religious Observances.—The traveller will notice that a small
piece of carpet is invariably used by the pious Mahometan for praying
on. Curious it is to remark the connection between West and East
in such a matter, for where the Western would raise a handsome
pile for worship, the Eastern, with the same object in view, lays
down a handsome pile, and kneels upon it.

This is so profound a remark, that we leave the Tourist to his
meditations.

01' Clo' at Rome.

A Contemporary announces that:—

" According to a Soman telegram, now that Cardinal Quagll^ is dead,
there are twenty-seven Cardinals' hats at the Pope's disposal."

His Holiness may complain that he is unable to dispose of these
hats because he is a prisoner. But surely the Italian Government
would not prevent him from taking them into the Ghetto.