Punch (68.1875)

January 23, 1875.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.

35

!

THE FIRST PINCH.

N dull January after-
noon. The Cabinet
i were met for the
/ first time in 1875,
around that mys-
terious green cloth
which has been the
field of so many
intestine and inter-
necine battles—

within the jea-
lously - guarded
walls, whose ears
have been the de-
positories of so
many State secrets.

The box was
before them — the
true Cabinet “ des-
patch box” — for
what box to help
despatch of busi-
ness like The Ca-
binet Snuff-Box ?

Every Cabinet Minister is supposed to he “up to snuff,” and the final test of competency for
the post is the power of inhaling, without sternutation, three pinches of that potent com-
pound of British rappee, Scotch high-dried, and Irish black-guard, which makes up “The
Cabinet Mixture”—the secret of whose amalgam is passed, under seal of an awful oath of
secresy, from the Senior Messenger at the First Lord’s Office in Downing Street, on his
death-bed, to his successor.

Upon the contents of this box is based that esoteric Cabinet language in which the
destinies of the nation are discussed and decided—and which is also transmitted, by. an
unbroken tradition, through channels hid from the ken of the outer world—from Prime
Minister to Prime Minister.

€ !F

©


“ And now, my Lords and Gentlemen,” said the Bight Honourable B-nj-m-n D-sr-li,
after the usual compliments of the season, “ What is to be ‘ our first Pinch ’ ? ”

He paused for a reply.

“ Reducing the Irish Judicature to reasonable dimensions,” said my Lord C-irns.

“ Squaring Secular and Spiritual in our schools,” observed the Duke of R-chm-nd.

“ Finding me a decent amount of work to do,” said Lord M-lm-sb-ry.”

“Making both ends meet, with a decent lap over,” sighed the Right Honourable Sir
St-ff-rd N-rthc-te.

“ Defining a bona fide traveller,” blurted out the Right Honourable R. A. Cross.

‘ Keeping one’s temper with Prince-,” said Lord D-r-by, when he was promptly

pulled up by the first bar of the popular song, “ 0 No We Never Mention Him,” hummed
significantly by the Right Honourable B. D-sr-li.

“ Framing a Constitution for Fiji,” murmured my Lord C-rn-rv-n.

“ Filling the tub of the Danaides,” groaned the Right Honourable G-th-rne H-rdy.

“ Reframing a native Army,” rapped out the Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.

“ Balancing a big English Navy against a small German,” murmured the Right Honour-
able W-RD H-NT.

“ Teaching my Post-Office pupils, in the lower classes, to mind their letters, instead of
writing them,” paintively whispered Lord J-hn M-nn-rs.

Then followed a silence, broken by the Right Honourable B. D-sr-li.

“All Pinches, my Lords and Gentlemen, and some of them hard enough, I have no
doubt; but none of them entitled to the place of ‘ The First Pinch.’ That proud position is
reserved for the difficulty I have to propound, ‘ Carrying on the duties of Her Majesty’s
Government with the headship of Her Majesty’s Opposition in Commission’—and for that
Pinch we have to thank the Right Honourable William Ewart Gladstone ! ”

A LINGUISTIC LIFT FOR DR. LLDDON.

Dr. Liddon is in want of a preposition to express the sense of a word. Would his
purpose be answered by the combination14 Preeadcontrasubantepostobininterultracitraextra-
infrasubtersuperstantiation.”

V* MEN WANTED!

War Office. Intelligence Department.

85, Fleet Street.

Field-Marshal Punch presents his
compliments to those this Circular may
concern, and begs to inform them that the
British Army, which the Field-Marshal
has the honour to supervise, is greatly in
need of Recruits. He would add that the
evidence taken before the Recruiting Com-
mission proved that the want of respect
shown by civilians to her Majesty’s uniform
had a great deal to do with the Army’s
loss of popularity. The Field-Marshal
would further point out:—

1. That the intellectual training of
Soldiers is now a matter of paramount
importance, and that the Privates of
many Regiments can compare favour-
ably with civilians as regards education.

2. That through the exertions of
H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge, Re-
creation Rooms and Libraries have
been established in all the Barracks,
with the object (an object that has
been attained) of fostering refinement
in the ranks.

3. That, during the recent series of
Autumn Manoeuvres, the Armies in the
Field have gained golden opinions from
all with whom they have come in contact.

4. That most Soldiers, when they
leave the Service, are found to be ad-
mirably adapted to fill the positions of
clerks, railway-guards, policemen, and
other posts of importance and responsi-
bility.

5. That a Colour-Sergeant is a Non-
Commissioned Officer in command of
some sixty or a hundred men, who has
been promoted after many y ears’ service
in the ranks, in recognition of zeal,
cleverness, and good conduct.

Having made these observations, Field-
Marshal Punch is forced to record his deep
regret:—

1. That a Magistrate speaking from
the Bench should have thought proper
to inform a Recruit that to join the
Army was to take a false step in life,
which might possibly entail the break-
ing of his parents’ hearts.

2. That a Ron-Commissioned Officer
should be refused admission to the best
seats in a place of public entertainment
because he (the Non-Commissioned
Officer in question) happened at the
time of purchasing his ticket to be
wearing the should-be honoured uni-
form of Her Majesty the Queen.

Field - Marshal Punch consequently
feels it to be his duty to issue the follow-
ing orders

1. In future, City Aldermen, in their
official capacities, will refrain from
making remarks calculated to bring the
Army into ridicule, hatred, or contempt.

2. If any regulation exists prevent-
ing soldiers in uniform from appearing
in the better seats of places of enter-
tainment, the rule in question must be
immediately abolished.

In conclusion, Field-Marshal Punch is
strongly of opinion that recruiting will con-
tinue to remain slack until the difference
existing between the social conditions of the
British Soldier in the present, and the
Negro Slave in the past, is thoroughly
understood and admitted by the public in
general, and the people to whom this cir-
cular is addressed in particular. It must
be remembered in future that the Livery
of Her Majesty is worn by warriors, and
I not by flunkeys.

.