Punch (68.1875)

6t

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 6, 1875.

NURSERY

RHYMES

FOR THE TIMES.

MR. PUNCH ON EXACT SCIENCE.

UMPTY Dumpty sat on a
wall,

To his nurse proving he
never could fall.

The height of the wall
being plus so-and-so,

His centre of gravity
being placed low,

It followed—as A is to
B, C to D—

His nurse had no cause
for anxiety,

Since a body so placed—
if it tumbled at all—

Not downwards, but up-
wards, must certainly
fall.

Humpty Dumpty to this
point of proof had
come, when

He came down such a
bang, he ne’er got up

again!

IT.

One misty, moisty morn-
ing,

When the weather was
cold,

I saw a man stand shivering,

Thinly clad and old.

little Perky Parkins
Told the reason why :

That man with Laws of Science
Had neglected to comply.

Had he followed known rules
For generating heat,

We should not have seen him
Shiv’ring in the street.

m.

HusH-a-bye, Baby!—

’Tis naughty to cry,

Because Cambridge problems
Ma won’t let you try.

Be a good Baby,

And lie still in bed,

Your nice conic-sections
Placed under your head.

Go to sleep, Baby,

And, if he won’t cry,
Mamma a new algebra
Baby will buy.

Mr. Punch has been requested by a
Committee of learned men to lay down a
few absolute axioms in Exact Science.
He has appointed Professor MacFile,
F.R.H.S. (Fellow of the Royal Hysterical
Society), to prepare a preliminary report on
this momentous question. The Professor
reports—

1. The more absolutely true a Proposition
is, the more universally will it be disputed.

2. A Principle is a thing to he departed
from.

3. A Point is that which has no magni-
tude. This is the point on which Tories
and Liberals invariably differ.

4. As true history is entirely scandal,
a Memoire pour Servir is better than
Hal lam’s Constitutional disquisitions, and
Greville’s Diaries than Earl Russell’s
Recollections.

5. Lawn Tennis can always be played
with a net; and pretty girls (like poachers)
usually have nets concealed on their per-
sons.

6. It is possible for theologians like
Monsignore Capel and Canon Liddon to
weary the Public while they wallop each
other.

7. “ Who is to lead the Liberal Party?”
is an absurd question until you have solved
the problem— Where is the Liberal Party ?

8. To covet your neighbour’s daughter is
not prohibited by Moses (or Aaron) unless
she is ugly or poor.

Dr. Punch, Chancellor of the University
of Fleet Street, is of opinion that this is
quite enough from the learned F.R.H.S.

Odious Comparisons.

It was once written—

“ As London to Paddington,

So Pitt is to Addington.”

It is now suggested—

“ As Moses to Dame Partington,

So is Gladstone to Hartington.”

OiDrUM THEOLOGICUM.

Brown (the morning after a wet dinner).
Diocese o’ Sodor an’ Man ? Dono anything
’bout that. Think feller’s more likely to
die o’ seas o’ “ Sodar an’ B!” 0, dear,

what a head I have !

HINTS FOR MR. GLADSTONE IN HIS HAPPY
RETIREMENT.

Disestablish—

Any Church you happen to encounter.

Any Oak tree that looks obtrusively like a fine old English forester.
Any Whig that talks like a Tory.

Any Tory that talks like a Radical.

Any School-Board that objects to the use of the birch. _

Any School-Board that has a member who cannot read Homer,
and translate lyrical English into Latin leonine verse.

wh° thinks he can write on theological questions to

the limes.

. Any one who wants to explain the Transit of Venus to the happily
ignorant Public.

Any one who plays Whist at his Club every afternoon, and
explains why he lost that grand coup in his final rubber.

Any one whose idea at Billiards is to put his opponent in “balk.”
Anybody who thinks Mr. Disraeli is tired of governing England.
Anybody who cannot understand the incomparable wit and
wisdom of the famous sage whose name will be found coupled with
that of a sage almost as famous in this double acrostic:—

They both are charmingly unique—

The English greater than the Greek.

I.

A common diet for the nursery.

n.

A trap of which I ’ve recollection.
HI.

A verifying word that’s cursory,
rv.

A metric foot,

v.

An interjection.

Anybody else who is at all in the way.

different remedies for different diseases.

There has been talk of uniting Liverpool and the Isle of Man in
one See. No wonder the Manxmen protest. The needs of the two
places are quite different. The Isle of Man cats have no tails.
Liverpool wants cats with nine tails.

a suggestion.

Why not establish one central Police-Court for the hearing of
Cab cases only, and make Mrs. Prodgers its perpetual Stipendiary r