DOI issue:
May 22, 1875
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16940#0229
May 22, 1875.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
221
ROYAL ACADEMY COMMISSION.
ur Commissioners sat
after lunch. A great
•many Witnesses were
in attendance. In an-
swer to questions as to
the necessity for visit-
ing the Royal Academy,
the various replies were
as follows:—
Because we came up
•to town on purpose.
Because everyone goes.
Because we couldn’t
return to Slowcombe-
on-Sea or Snoozleton-
in-the-Vale and own
we hadn’t been to the
Academy. Because we
know some of the Ar-
tists, and when we meet
them we must be able
to talk about their pic-
tures. Because Edwin
will be there. Because
Emmy will he there.
Because one — I mean
two—can get away so
easily and “ sit out.” Because, if you know when to go, you meet
everybody you want to see. Because, if you know when to go, you
don’t meet anybody you want to avoid, &c., &c.
Miss Maud Flyrter, examined by Our Own Commissioner,
admitted that but for one, or more, of the above reasons, going to the
Academy would be a horrid bore. But then to do anything you
don’t want to do is a horrid bore.
Mbs. Matcher and Daughters: How long did we take “ getting
through it?” 0, an hour and a half, I think. We saw it all. Of
course the girls were with me the whole time. Yes, except once,
when they went, with my permission, to Number Six room with
Mr. Talboots and Mr. Wyndsor Brown.
Yes, certainly, both these gentlemen are eligible partis.
The Rev. Mr. Speckylum (from Doddleborougli) and two
Nephews: Did you carefully examine the pictures you had heard
“ well spoken of ? ” Certainly. Were you loud and firm in expa-
tiating on the merits of pictures by well-known Artists about which
you had previously read, and were you diffident in stating your own
opinion on other pictures of which you had previously heard, or read,
nothing at all ? Certainly. [The majority of Witnesses gave similar
evidence.] Didn’t you, as a rule, find that, had you consulted your
own individual
individual taste, you would have preferred the pictures which
were by “ Nobodies's? ” Yes—I think so. [The majority of Wit-
nesses gave similar evidence on this point also.] The Witness went
on to say that he pointed out to his Nephews all the pictures illus-
trative of historical and classical subjects, specially “ Andromache
tied to a Rock.” Being asked if he didn’t mean Andromeda, he
replied, rather angrily, that he was an M.A., Oxon, and had told
both his Nephews that it was “Andromache,” and he must be
right.
Captain Slyboots, in answer to Our Commissioner’s question,
said he thought there was a very fair show of pretty gals this year
at the Academy. Met some doosid nice-looking gals. . Thought the
country ones looked so fresh and—ar—that sort of thing, you know.
(Our Commissioner didn’t know, and objected to being quoted as
evidence.) Didn’t see any sculpturing. Didn’t know there was
any. Thought the Academy was all pictures. Yes, he recollected
having seen some busts, and things of that sort, huddled together on
a shelf somewhere, but he thought they were put there to be out of
the way. Wanted to have a soda-and-B. at the refreshment-room,
but didn’t like the smell at the door. Thought it cookshoppy, and
preferred going to the Club. Saw some of the rummiest, queerest,
antediluvianest old fossils, in fronts and curls, and such bonnets!
Suppose they come up to town, like Christmas, only once a year.
Miss Gusher, in answer to questions, said: Of course, I went at once
to Miss Thompson’s picture! 0, isn’t it awful! And the horses, you
know !—that horse in the corner! And the men ! 0, it’s thrilling!
What else do I admire ? 0, that dear old lady in the cap and
ruff, and the Babylonian Matrimonial Agency,—I mean Market!
0, how lovely ! And the Sculpture Gallery in Nineveh or Pompeii,
or somewhere ! 0, it’s really quite too lovely! Yes, I should like
to be painted—I mean, have my portrait taken by Millais, or
Tissot, or Sandys. No, I do not know quite how to pronounce At.ma
Tadema. I’m sure he must be so nice. It may be “ Allmar
Taddymar,” but that sounds too like Scotch : or it may be “Al-may
Tadeemay.” Am I sure that Alma isn’t the name of a girl ? It
never struck me before; but, 0 dear no, I don’t think he can be a
girl. 0, it’s all charming, delightful, and I’m sure if you only-
(Here the Witness was requested to stand down.)
Miss Nelly Dulcet deposed to the effect that she was engaged to
Edward,—at least, as far as they were concerned, it was settled.
Didn’t mind saying that she thought the Sculpture-room a very nice
place to sit in. It was so quiet. Did not think she spoke exactly
the truth when, on Grandmamma and Aunt coming suddenly upon
them in the Sculpture-room, she said she couldn’t tell how it was
that she and Edward had lost them, and how glad she was to have
found them at last.
Miss Grueberry, who was of opinion that she might perhaps be
over thirty, but not much, thought everybody at the Academy very
rude, and selfish. She never could get a seat. When she did,
people trod on her toes, and didn’t beg pardon. Then, when she
was seated comfortably, people would get between her and the pic-
tures. Thought she’d complain to the police. She nearly fainted
twice, but nobody attended to her, and she didn’t mind owning now,
that she did lose her temper, and tread on people’s toes on purpose.
Thought there ought to be some rule about Bears being admitted.
By “Bears,” she meant rude people. Didn't know that some
persons on the Stock Exchange were called “ Bears,” but had always
heard that persons on the Stock Exchange were very rude. She
went to the Academy with her friend Miss Hobbler, but she wasn’t
any sort of use to her, except in finding the refreshment-room,
which she thought the best part of the Exhibition.
It being time for five o’clock tea, the inquiry was adjourned.
’TWIXT CZAR AND KAISER.
{What passed at Berlin ; From Different Stand-points.)
According to the French.
The Kaiser. Sire, France is the greatest nation in the world.
Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. I dread both France and Paris.
Help me to crush them, and name your own price.
The Czar. You are right, Sire! France is the greatest nation in
the world. Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. But both are
invincible ! Sire, you are answered!
According to the Germans.
The Czar. Sire, as the Head of the Great Fatherland, as the
Sovereign of Sovereigns, I beseech you to put your august foot upon
my unworthy neck.
The Kaiser. What have you done to deserve the honour, 0 my
son ? However—kneel!
According to the Belgians.
The Kaiser. We will be business-like. You can take Turkey,
and Brussels shall be the capital of the new German State. I will
crush France, and to you I leave that tiny but troublesome Island.
You understand me ?
The Czar. Perfectly. England. I accept the bargain.
According to the Americans.
The Kaiser. I guess the United States is a fine country—and jest
raised a century !—yes, Siree !
The Czar. I guess it is so, Colonel!
According to the Italians.
• The Kaiser. What did Francis Joseph say to Victor Emmanuel
at Venice, Sire ? Ask him, Sire, ask him ?
The Czar. A thousand pardons, Sire! If you wish to know, ask
him yourself. No offence, Sire ; but ask him yourself.
According to the Russians.
The Kaiser. Sire, I wish to hear your opinion upon a subject
very dear to my heart. Do you think my new crown suits my
complexion ?
The Czar. Really, Sire, I must take time for consideration.
According to the English.
The Kaiser. Permit me, Sire, to sing you one of Bismarck’s last
new songs—a sweet little thing, of his own composition— “ Come,
lovely Peace.” Will you kindly join in the chorus ?
The Czar. With pleasure. Handel’s, though, is it not ?
The Kaiser. Bismarck’s. At least he says it’s his; and what’s
his is mine: so I never contradict him. Hark! Don’t you hear him ?
The pipes of Bismarck and Gortschakofe are heard in the distance.
Sound approaches. Enter Bismarck, followed by Gortschakoee.
The Czar. A thought strikes me. Let’s have a dance !
The Kaiser. It will reassure Europe. Come !—a nous deux. If
the Prince will give us the air.
Bismarck. Just you set the step, Sire. I ’ll make the music keep
time to it: never fear!
Kaiser and Czar dance. Bismarck pipes. Air, “ Come, lovely
Peace ! ” [At least the air sounds like it.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
221
ROYAL ACADEMY COMMISSION.
ur Commissioners sat
after lunch. A great
•many Witnesses were
in attendance. In an-
swer to questions as to
the necessity for visit-
ing the Royal Academy,
the various replies were
as follows:—
Because we came up
•to town on purpose.
Because everyone goes.
Because we couldn’t
return to Slowcombe-
on-Sea or Snoozleton-
in-the-Vale and own
we hadn’t been to the
Academy. Because we
know some of the Ar-
tists, and when we meet
them we must be able
to talk about their pic-
tures. Because Edwin
will be there. Because
Emmy will he there.
Because one — I mean
two—can get away so
easily and “ sit out.” Because, if you know when to go, you meet
everybody you want to see. Because, if you know when to go, you
don’t meet anybody you want to avoid, &c., &c.
Miss Maud Flyrter, examined by Our Own Commissioner,
admitted that but for one, or more, of the above reasons, going to the
Academy would be a horrid bore. But then to do anything you
don’t want to do is a horrid bore.
Mbs. Matcher and Daughters: How long did we take “ getting
through it?” 0, an hour and a half, I think. We saw it all. Of
course the girls were with me the whole time. Yes, except once,
when they went, with my permission, to Number Six room with
Mr. Talboots and Mr. Wyndsor Brown.
Yes, certainly, both these gentlemen are eligible partis.
The Rev. Mr. Speckylum (from Doddleborougli) and two
Nephews: Did you carefully examine the pictures you had heard
“ well spoken of ? ” Certainly. Were you loud and firm in expa-
tiating on the merits of pictures by well-known Artists about which
you had previously read, and were you diffident in stating your own
opinion on other pictures of which you had previously heard, or read,
nothing at all ? Certainly. [The majority of Witnesses gave similar
evidence.] Didn’t you, as a rule, find that, had you consulted your
own individual
individual taste, you would have preferred the pictures which
were by “ Nobodies's? ” Yes—I think so. [The majority of Wit-
nesses gave similar evidence on this point also.] The Witness went
on to say that he pointed out to his Nephews all the pictures illus-
trative of historical and classical subjects, specially “ Andromache
tied to a Rock.” Being asked if he didn’t mean Andromeda, he
replied, rather angrily, that he was an M.A., Oxon, and had told
both his Nephews that it was “Andromache,” and he must be
right.
Captain Slyboots, in answer to Our Commissioner’s question,
said he thought there was a very fair show of pretty gals this year
at the Academy. Met some doosid nice-looking gals. . Thought the
country ones looked so fresh and—ar—that sort of thing, you know.
(Our Commissioner didn’t know, and objected to being quoted as
evidence.) Didn’t see any sculpturing. Didn’t know there was
any. Thought the Academy was all pictures. Yes, he recollected
having seen some busts, and things of that sort, huddled together on
a shelf somewhere, but he thought they were put there to be out of
the way. Wanted to have a soda-and-B. at the refreshment-room,
but didn’t like the smell at the door. Thought it cookshoppy, and
preferred going to the Club. Saw some of the rummiest, queerest,
antediluvianest old fossils, in fronts and curls, and such bonnets!
Suppose they come up to town, like Christmas, only once a year.
Miss Gusher, in answer to questions, said: Of course, I went at once
to Miss Thompson’s picture! 0, isn’t it awful! And the horses, you
know !—that horse in the corner! And the men ! 0, it’s thrilling!
What else do I admire ? 0, that dear old lady in the cap and
ruff, and the Babylonian Matrimonial Agency,—I mean Market!
0, how lovely ! And the Sculpture Gallery in Nineveh or Pompeii,
or somewhere ! 0, it’s really quite too lovely! Yes, I should like
to be painted—I mean, have my portrait taken by Millais, or
Tissot, or Sandys. No, I do not know quite how to pronounce At.ma
Tadema. I’m sure he must be so nice. It may be “ Allmar
Taddymar,” but that sounds too like Scotch : or it may be “Al-may
Tadeemay.” Am I sure that Alma isn’t the name of a girl ? It
never struck me before; but, 0 dear no, I don’t think he can be a
girl. 0, it’s all charming, delightful, and I’m sure if you only-
(Here the Witness was requested to stand down.)
Miss Nelly Dulcet deposed to the effect that she was engaged to
Edward,—at least, as far as they were concerned, it was settled.
Didn’t mind saying that she thought the Sculpture-room a very nice
place to sit in. It was so quiet. Did not think she spoke exactly
the truth when, on Grandmamma and Aunt coming suddenly upon
them in the Sculpture-room, she said she couldn’t tell how it was
that she and Edward had lost them, and how glad she was to have
found them at last.
Miss Grueberry, who was of opinion that she might perhaps be
over thirty, but not much, thought everybody at the Academy very
rude, and selfish. She never could get a seat. When she did,
people trod on her toes, and didn’t beg pardon. Then, when she
was seated comfortably, people would get between her and the pic-
tures. Thought she’d complain to the police. She nearly fainted
twice, but nobody attended to her, and she didn’t mind owning now,
that she did lose her temper, and tread on people’s toes on purpose.
Thought there ought to be some rule about Bears being admitted.
By “Bears,” she meant rude people. Didn't know that some
persons on the Stock Exchange were called “ Bears,” but had always
heard that persons on the Stock Exchange were very rude. She
went to the Academy with her friend Miss Hobbler, but she wasn’t
any sort of use to her, except in finding the refreshment-room,
which she thought the best part of the Exhibition.
It being time for five o’clock tea, the inquiry was adjourned.
’TWIXT CZAR AND KAISER.
{What passed at Berlin ; From Different Stand-points.)
According to the French.
The Kaiser. Sire, France is the greatest nation in the world.
Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. I dread both France and Paris.
Help me to crush them, and name your own price.
The Czar. You are right, Sire! France is the greatest nation in
the world. Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. But both are
invincible ! Sire, you are answered!
According to the Germans.
The Czar. Sire, as the Head of the Great Fatherland, as the
Sovereign of Sovereigns, I beseech you to put your august foot upon
my unworthy neck.
The Kaiser. What have you done to deserve the honour, 0 my
son ? However—kneel!
According to the Belgians.
The Kaiser. We will be business-like. You can take Turkey,
and Brussels shall be the capital of the new German State. I will
crush France, and to you I leave that tiny but troublesome Island.
You understand me ?
The Czar. Perfectly. England. I accept the bargain.
According to the Americans.
The Kaiser. I guess the United States is a fine country—and jest
raised a century !—yes, Siree !
The Czar. I guess it is so, Colonel!
According to the Italians.
• The Kaiser. What did Francis Joseph say to Victor Emmanuel
at Venice, Sire ? Ask him, Sire, ask him ?
The Czar. A thousand pardons, Sire! If you wish to know, ask
him yourself. No offence, Sire ; but ask him yourself.
According to the Russians.
The Kaiser. Sire, I wish to hear your opinion upon a subject
very dear to my heart. Do you think my new crown suits my
complexion ?
The Czar. Really, Sire, I must take time for consideration.
According to the English.
The Kaiser. Permit me, Sire, to sing you one of Bismarck’s last
new songs—a sweet little thing, of his own composition— “ Come,
lovely Peace.” Will you kindly join in the chorus ?
The Czar. With pleasure. Handel’s, though, is it not ?
The Kaiser. Bismarck’s. At least he says it’s his; and what’s
his is mine: so I never contradict him. Hark! Don’t you hear him ?
The pipes of Bismarck and Gortschakofe are heard in the distance.
Sound approaches. Enter Bismarck, followed by Gortschakoee.
The Czar. A thought strikes me. Let’s have a dance !
The Kaiser. It will reassure Europe. Come !—a nous deux. If
the Prince will give us the air.
Bismarck. Just you set the step, Sire. I ’ll make the music keep
time to it: never fear!
Kaiser and Czar dance. Bismarck pipes. Air, “ Come, lovely
Peace ! ” [At least the air sounds like it.]