Punch: Punch (76.1879)

March 1, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89

FAR-OFF WARS, AND HOW TO BRING THEM

HOME TO US.

{A Forecast from the Latest Examples.)

F

' ubtheb papers were
published yester-
day, throwing new
and startling light on
the Chinese difficulty.
They contain 175 de-
spatches, most of them
dealing with the com-
plaints of severaTinflu-
ential bootjack mer-
chants at Shanghai, but
the more important re-
ferring to the sudden
request of our High
Commissioner for more
"military support, say
from 40 to 60,000, of all
arms." With regard to
the latter, the Colonial
Secretary telegraphs :—
"April 1. We could
not at the present mo-
ment conveniently spare
an army of 60,000 men,
or even a force up to
your lesser limit of
40,000. Would it not be
better to compromise
matters a little longer,
before embarking in a
struggle with an empire
numbering a population
of some_300,000,000p"
To this the High Com-
missioner replies in a lengthy and spirited despatch, dated the same afternoon.
After illustratively describing the generally debased social condition of the

Mongolian races from the year 2334 b.c., down to Sep-
tember, 1878, he concludes :—

" It may possibly occur to Her Majesty's Government
that even if the hour has come to humanise, educate, wash,
and otherwise civilise this peculiar people, the task is one
that they ought not to undertake without some opportu-
nity for deliberation. If this is their view of the matter,
I cannot say it is mine. On the contrary, surveying the
world from a sufficiently elevated stand-point, I am con-
vinced that the sooner the enterprise is set about the
better. I have, therefore, sent an ultimatum to Pekin,
which I natter myself will precipitate a crisis that ought,
in my opinion, to be brought to a head, and the sooner
the better. The 80,000 men I mentioned should be forth-
coming by return. If Her Majesty's Government do
not like the situation, all I can say is they must lump it.
They are not on the spot. I am."

To this the Colonial Secretary replies in a brief despatch.
After the usual complimentary heading, he goes on :—

" There is no doubt that, to adopt your own forcible
and succinct style, ' You are on the spot.' Without
in any way reflecting on your bold and benevolent scheme
for the summary regeneration of the Chinese Empire, I
am to convey to you the general feeling of Her Majesty's
Government that more's the pity."

A few telegrams, which appear to have reached their
destination too late to have been of any use, here follow.
The correspondence closes with a comprehensive and
scholarly essay, from the pen of the High Commissioner,
on "The Manners and Customs of the Early Tartars,"
to which is appended a postscript announcing the com-
mencement of a Chinese war.

Clerical Co-operation.

{By Our Cambridge Grocer.)

Would Grads and Undergrads enjoy
Their bliss to whom no debt is scored,

Let Readymoney Mobtiboy
Be Readymoney Mobtab-Boabd.

FOX-HUNTING AND FOX-EATING.

Deab Mb. Punch,

Thbough the length and breadth of the Green Isle, the hunt-
ing circles of that sporting country have been lately shaken to their
centres by a question of the gravest moment; namely—whether '' a
dug fox" "ought to be," then and there, "eaten by a Master, on
the earth," or not.

Several well-known Masters of Hounds assert that he ought, while
one influential Squire, at least, thinks differently. I feel that you
would be rendering an important service to the sporting world by
deciding this momentous point, on which a humble sportsman like
myself dare not even form an opinion, much less criticise statements
like the following:—

From Lord Pinkerton, M. F. H.
"If my hounds required blood, and I ran the last fox in a country-side to
ground, I would dig him out and eat him on the earth."

From Mr. B eavystern-, M. F. H.
"You acted perfectly right in eating him on the spot."

Not being a M. F. H. myself, I am quite bewildered when I read
of disposing of foxes, whether dug or run out, in this savage and
summary fashion.

As a man of but feeble powers of digestion, and with a stomach
easily turned, I feel thankful I have never had to look on while an
M. F. H., however much he may have liked it, went through the
disgusting feat of " Eating a Fox on the Earth," after digging him
out of the hole in which he had hoped to find a safe shelter from
such a horrible end.

I am, dear Mr. Punch, yours,

One who has long followed the Hounds, but
neveb eat a f ox on the eabth.
Varminstown, King's County, Ireland.

[Punch has never been in the habit of eating his own Foxes; and
Toby informs him that he should consider such an act as an un-
pardonable encroachment on the canine privileges of his brethren of
the kennel. "Dog eat dog" is not a worse rule than "Dog eat
fox " is a good and binding one.]

The Gbeat Loan Land.—-Turkey.

ATCHAM v. HATCHAM.

Mb. Punch has, unwittingly, drawn down a sore visitation upon
an unoffending Clergyman, the Incumbent of "Atcham," near
Shrewsbury, all along of the letter (published in his number for
Feb. 15,) from an " Agrieved Parishiner," of 'Atcham, Surrey, natu-
rally exasperated by the late Ritualistic vagaries and still more
discreditable Anti-Ritualistic riotings and indecencies, of which
that church has been the scandalous scene. We need hardly say
that that letter had nothing to do with the innocent and ortho-
dox Incumbent of Atcham near Shrewsbury, who eschews all such
aperies, and draperies, and naperies of Rome, as albs, copes and
chasubles, priests' foolscaps, sky-blue petticoats, dalmatics, and
altar-candles.

The similarity in the names of exasperated '"Atcham," and his
peaceful cure—with only an H.—that most movable of letters—
between them, has brought upon him, we are sorry to hear, a flood
of silly and offensive correspondence.

But "it is an ill-wind that blows nobody good." He has, doubt-
less, diverted, to his own devoted head so much of the asinine letter-
flow which usually finds its way to Mr. Punch1 s waste-paper basket.
Poor Punch has to bide the pelting of this pitiless epistolary storm
daily. Let the Incumbent of Atcham near Shrewsbury be thank-
ful that the infliction in his case, will, in all likelihood, cease with
this explanation, if it have not run itself dry before.

Coronatus, Non Pileatus.

"The Pope, much to his credit, has respectfully offered Dr. Newman a
Cardinal's Hat. The venerable Doctor, equally to his credit, has respectfully
declined the honour."

A Cabdinal's Hat! Fancy Newman in that,

For the crown o'er his grey temples spread!
'Tis the good and great head that would honour the hat,

Not the hat that would honour the head.

There's many a priest craves it: no wonder he waives it,

Or that we, the soiled head-cover scanning,
Exclaim with one breath, sans distinction of faith,

" Would they wish Newman ranked with Old Manning ?