Punch (76.1879)

April 12, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 157

THE FARMER'S FORTUNES.

(A Fancy Picture, after reading a great deal of Correspondence on
Agricultural Prospects, from the Landlord'1 s point of view.)

here he sat —
"Farmer" de
Gyles — for in
spite of the
aristocratic pre-
fix to his name,
so he was still
called by the
country people
round about the
old farm—in a
luxurious arm-
chair in his
sesthetically-
furnished sanc-
tum, gloomily
pondering over
his accounts.
He had torn
himself away
from the lun-
cheon-table,
around which
$ were gathered
his elegantly-

' ^j^^^^^^^SSg^^^^^ and daughters^
" — ' and a few morn-

ing visitors.

".How can I drink sherry, and eat caviaire, or pate de foie gras,
with such a weight of care on my conscience?" he murmured
gloomily. " No ! it will not come right! The total is less than that
of last year."

" Was hast du, Papa?" asked a silvery voice, in the purest
Hanoverian German. Du hast das Zimmer sehr bald verlassen."

" Fi done, Papa, que tu es mechant /" continued a voice, even
more silvery than the first, in French that would have satisfied the
most exigeant of Parisians.

"Speak to me in English," returned the Farmer, with a frown;
" I am tired of your foreign tricks and graces."

"In English!" indignantly echoed Mrs. De Gyles, who had
followed her two charming daughters to their father's retreat.
" "What do you mean P In English, indeed! when the darlings have
been taught for years by their Governess, the Fraulein, all the
accomplishments necessary to their station."

" Oh, Mamma ! " cried the second young Lady, " you really must
get rid of Fifine ; her French is so drole. From her accent I really
believe she must be a Belgian."

"Nonsense, Irene!" interrupted her elder sister; "Fifine
dresses hair d merveille ! Ich bin ganz entzucht mit ihr ! "

"You ought to be proud of them," said Mrs. De Gyles, with a
fond smile. "Yes, Fitz-Richard-"

"Fitz-Richard! " grumbled the Farmer, "until you changed
my name, my neighbours called me Dick."

" What is the cause of your ill-temper ? " asked his wife, calmly
arranging the lace that fringed the jewelled neck-band of black
velvet around her white and shapely throat. "Why did you leave
us to entertain our guests ? Fortunately they were pressed for
time. So I ordered out the carriage to take them to the station."

" A propos, Papa," cried Irene, " the coachman tells me that the
chestnut on the near side is-"

" Hang the chestnut on the near side! " exclaimed the Farmer,
wrathfully.

" Fitz-Richard, I'm ashamed of you! Come, my darlings, your

father is so strangely reveche this morning-" But before the

indignant dame could finish her sentence, two elegantly-costumed
youna: gentlemen rushed into the room, and embraced her.

" What, Stuart and Plantagenet, back from Oxford and Cam-
bridge so soon! " said Mrs. De Gyles, fondly returning her sons'
affectionate greeting.

" Well, yes," replied the elder youth, stroking his well-pomaded
moustache, "the truth is, I found Christchurch rather slow, and
wanted to get back to see how the hunters were getting on. How
do, Guv'nor ? "

"And I," continued the second youngster, in his turn, "have
asked a lot of Trinity men to put up here for a month, or so. So
mind, Mother, you organise a hop; the girls will help you. And,
Guv'nor, suppose we overhaul your breechloaders."

The whole family started as the angry old man rose from his
chair, and pointed to two daubs of pictures representing a homely-
looking farmer, with his equally homely wife.

"Do you see those portraits P " he shouted.

"Ya-as," drawled Plantagenet. "They ought to have been
banished to the garret years ago."

"How dare you, Sir?" cried the thoroughly roused De Gyles
Senior. " That good old man was not ashamed to follow the plough,
to feed the thrashing-machine, and attend to the various duties
belonging to a farm. That good old lady knew how to make butter
and cheese and home-brewed beer and ginger and gooseberry wine.
How they would have laughed at the idea of keeping a German
governess, or of moustached sons strutting about with breechloaders
in their hands, or riding to hounds on expensive hunters. But they
knew how to keep the wolf from the door, and to defy the competition
of foreign farmers. You are looking at the pictures of your grand-
father and grandmother—the makers of your fortune ! "

"We have then a fortune ? " said Mrs. De Gyles, with a sigh of
relief.

"No," thundered the old man, "you haven't! What with extra-
vagance, show, and neglect, my account at my bankers has dwin-
dled down to nothing. There now, the secret's out, and I wish you
joy of it! "

The members of the family were very pale—the Ladies sobbing—
the boys decidedly ill at ease.

At last Plantagenet plucked up courage to ask a question,
" What do you. intend to do, Father ? "

There was a pause, and then came the words which filled the
family with feelings of distress, dismay, despair.

What do I intend to do ? Why, give up this tomfoolery, and,"
here the voice of the old man faltered as he announced his terrible
but necessary resolution, " and, in point of fact, to return to busi-
ness ! "

Mrs. De Gyles and the Misses De Gyles threw up their arms,
gave three piercing shrieks, and fainted !

PICTURES (NOT YET) ACCEPTED FOR THE ROYAL

ACADEMY.

Asking for More. A silly boy who has broken all his tin soldiers,
requests his elderly nurse to entrust him with a fresh supply. The
picture contains portraits of an eminent warrior and a yet more
eminent statesman. Artist, Sir R—b—rt P-l, Bart.

The Successf ul Charlatan. Portrait of the Earl of B-r>. Artist,

the Right Hon. W. E. G-e.

The Garrulous Gossip. Portrait of the Right Hon. W. E. G-e.

Artist, the Earl of B-d.

A Pair of Pumps. Portrait of Sir Wilfrid L-n standing near

the famous erection in Aldgate. Artist, Mr. B—ss, M.P.

The Honest Thief. Historical painting of His Highness the
Kh—d—ve of Egypt, sternly insisting upon paying the Coupons of
the Unified Debt in full. Artist, Mr. R—v—rs Wil—s—n.

The Return of the Prodigal. Picture of the Chancellor of the
E-r making his Financial Statement. Artist, the Marquis of

H—rt—ngt—n.

An April Fool. A picture representing Mr. John B—ll con-
templating a surplus. Artist, Sir Stafford N—rthc—te.

" Though Lost To Sight To Memory Dear.' " Yiewof a Scientific
Frontier. Artist, Lord S—l—sb—ry.

Diogenes Searching for an Honest Man. Diogenes, a portrait
of the Artist. The other figures adaptations from life studies of
Members of the Cabinet. Artist, Mr. P--h.

A Swap,

Sir Bartle Frere, Roi des Zulus,

And my Lord Chelmsford with his sword on,
We '11 throw o'er, my Khedive, to you,

If you'll throw us your Colonel Gordon.

A Test of Totality.

It is announced that Sir Wilfrid Lawson (assisted by some
twenty Members of Parliament) is to lay the foundation-stone of a
Temperance Hospital on the 8th of May. Let us drink success to
the Temperance Hospital. If patients affected with delirium tremens
are admitted, it will here be seen whether such cases can be suc-
cessfully treated without a hair of the dog that bit them.

Right Hat on Right Head.

Wise Pope to give, and worthy Priest to take
The Hat, to wear which duly asks a true man ;

We know the Old. Man it will ne'er unmake,
Though there's no need of it to make a Newman.

vol. lxxvi.

p