Punch (76.1879)

March 15, 1879.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

109

0

PHRASE-BOOK FOR THE USE OF GENERAL

OFFICERS.

( With Air. Punch's Compliments to Lord Chelmsford.)

N learning that an
Army has been cut to
pieces.—Dear me!
You don't say so !

On losing the Baggage-
Train of a Division. —
Awkward—very!

On receiving an Officer
ivho has ridden for his
life twenty miles through
an enemy's country, carry-
ing Despatches.-—Very kind
of you indeed!

On accepting an offer to
head a Forlorn Hope. -
I'm afraid you are giving
yourself a great deal of
trouble!

On seeing a Regimental
Camp in Flames. — Odd !
Isn't it ?

On receiving a pair of
Regimental Colours, re -
covered after a desperate
struggle.—I'm afraid you
must have found them
rather heavy !

On learning that a
Regiment is " missing."—
Fellows should,take more care—they should, really !

On finding apposition turned.—I call this quite too provoking !
On receiving the news that the troops under his command have
been out-generailed and cut to pieces.—Now, who is responsible for
this ?

And, lastly—On riding up to three score of Englishmen who have
defended themselves for thirteen hours from the night assaults of
thousands of victorious and bloodthirsty savages, and who have thus
saved an army, if not a colony, from destruction.—Thank you all
very much for your very gallant defence!

SCHOOL BOARD AND SCAVENGERS.

{Great indignation meeting in the City. In consequence of the
recent discussions at the Guildhall, the Scavengers and Dustmen
convene an extraordinary Meeting in opposition to the extrava-
gant demands of the London School Board. We have been
favoured with a brief report of the proceedings.)

_ Me. Shoveller took the chair, having previously polished it with
his coat-cuff.

Mr. Ranbum, a leading Scavenger, moved a Resolution. He
expressed " hintense surprise and regret at the increasing and op-
pressive character laid on to the rates of the City." He didn't know
exackly what it meant, but what he wanted to know was, what was
the good o' teachin' poor children a lot o' rubbish as was better
swept away or shovelled out o' their 'eads instead o' being put in
'em? {"'Ear! 'Ear.'") This Meetin' should tell the _ School
Board folks, as they weren't the parties to have dust thrown in their
eyes! {Applause.)

Mr. Richard Durteigh said he hadn't got no kids—children he
meant, not gloves—{great laughter)—as he didn't wear none—to
eddicate, but he was blowed—( Question ! ")—or blest, if they liked
it better—(" 'Ear ! 'Ear ! ")—if he 'adn't got to pay a fipp'ny rate
for them as'ad ! {"Shame! Shame!''') It was a fact as couldn't

be contrydicted. A fipp'ny rate was twelve bob-(" Chair!

Chair!") He begged parding, he should say twelve snillin' an'
sixpence per hannum, which it made a differinx to him of just
three arf-pints a week! {"Shame! Shame!") Wos he to be
robbed of his beer to eddicate somebody helse's kids—he begged
parding — he meant horfsprings ? Never ! What he said was,
"Down with the School Boards!" He would like to see such
rubbish shot here—in this 'ere 'all, and there a hend of the 'ole
bilin' ! {Loud and prolonged applause.)

Mr. Heeb said he agreed with the last speaker. He was a Dustman,
and proud of the title. The eddicashun as he'd 'ad was good enough
for him, and he didn't want no more. (" 'Ear! 'Ear.'") He'd been
taught when he were a boy that a man, wotsumever he might be, was
only dust. {"'Ear! 'Ear.'") And so, say what they liked, the best man
as ever breathed could be but a dust-man arter all. {"'Ear! 'Ear!
'Ear!" and great cheering.) He was all for sweeping reforms. (" 'Ear !

'Ear ! ") And his cry—tho' he warn't allowed now to come out with
his " Dust Oy! " as his annsisters 'ad done before him—(" Shame !
Shame!")—his cry was, "No eddicashun for nobody. {"'Ear! 'Ear!
'ear !") and what he added to them as 'ad got propputty and wouldn't
part, was, "Down with the dust! " {Loud cheers, amid which the
speaker resumed his seat.)

Mr. Binn said he were in the same purfession as Mr. Help, which
his own name were Binn, and has binn so since he were born.
{Laughter.) He was for the abbulishun o' School Boards, and all
come-punkshually heddicashun. (-''Ear! 'Ear!' ) What more gram-
mar could any dustman want to know than "I does, you dust, he
dust, and we dust"? {Great laughter.) He remembered 'earing
at atheayter a cove say "I dust do all as a cove may do, he who dusts
more ain't not nobody." {Cheers and laughter.)

Mr. McMudie wished to say as he was a Scavenger, and considered
it a onorable, likewise a huseful purfession. {"'Ear! 'Ear!")
He would wote agin' eddicashun. {Prolonged cheering.) Wot was
eddicashun to 'im ?—Nuflin. {Great excitement.) He wanted Re-
form—no'arf measures—he made a great pint of sayin' "No 'arf
measures!"—{Cheers)—and they wasn't to be put off with mere
shovellin' egscuses. {"'Ear! 'Ear!") What was the good of
schools to Scavengers ? Didn't he know enough without that there ?
Rather ! (" 'Ear ! 'Ear ! ") Couldn't he tell his boys and gals all
as ever was useful for them to know ? 0' course he could. Why it
was only t' other day, as he was credibibly informed, as a chap
couldn't be a Scavenger in Parris, unless he were able to parleywoo !
{Great sensation.) That was the result of eddicashun! {"'Ear!
Ear.'")

Mr. Muckintosh followed in the same line. They were being put
upon. He 'imself 'ad been fined five bob for shovellin' a little mud
down a gully. {Great indignation.) From what he 'eard as to
eddicashun, 'ere an' helseweres, at 'ome and on the Kontinong, was
just this, that them as learned wot put 'em above their stashun was
not no use to no one, and hinstead o' being haimiable an' useful
members o' society, they was quite "ivirchuous xoisy "—as the sayin'
was—{"'Ear! Ear'.")—and was merely a hupsettin' the cart all
hover the place, makin' a mess o' heverythink, and comin' out strong
as—he wern't afeard to say it—as Discontented Dammy-Gogs !

[Prolonged cheering. After which the Resolution was put and
carried, and the Meeting separated, after singing their popu-
lar chorus, " Dustward Ho ! "

THE GHOST OF GEORGE ROBINS.

This irrepressible spirit is not yet laid. It still haunts the
columns of the Provincial and Colonial Press. As the dark hour is
the season for Ghosts, no wonder this spirit should show through the
war-cloud now lowering over South Africa, and even draw substance
from its shadows. We find one of its latest appearances thus
chronicled in a Natal paper :—

A T HORSE SALE, on Saturday, at Eleven O'clock, we shall sell Mr.
xx Pettitoe's BLACK HORSE "PRINCE," stand a about Fifteen hands;
a handsome, clean-limbed, well-ribbed, strong, enduring, fast, easy, pleasant
nag. He would suit a Volunteer on the War Path; has pluck enough to
charge a column, and would never be caught if the order was reversed ; be-
sides he's invisible at night, and treads as lightly as a Cock Ostrich before
making a rush. All round he's the smartest nag out, and is only sold because
his master has no use for him. We fancy he might want something shorter ;
however, that's his business. This horse has to be sold on Saturday, at
Eleven O'clock. Bouncer & Co., Auctioneers.

Quite Low enough.

Quoth Finality Bob—

Down-hill once a fast goer,—
"When John Bull has got Lowe,

Why should he go lower ? "

The Disease of Debt.

A Patent Medicine Proprietor advertises in a Journal [of some
circulation among the poorer classes a specific under the denomina-
tion of " Tic Pills." The best tick-pill will be found to be
dealing at Co-operative Stores, where you must pay ready money.

on the wrong sire oe the account.

With regard to the operations of General Roberts in the Khost
Valley, Punch fears that if their " Valley " be doubtful there is no
doubt about their Khost.

Strange Official Mistake in Geograrhy.—To have placed
Chelmsford in Africa.

vol. lxxvi.