Punch (76.1879)

February 1, 1879.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

THE ART OF QUARRELLING.

Quarrelling, coram populo, having become one of our recognised fashionable
amusements, like billiards or lawn-tennis, some rules for its conduct, secundum
artem, may not be without their utility. The following general instructions are
deduced from a careful consideration of the many conspicuous games with which
the public has lately been entertained.

In the first case, as a sort of preliminary training for this pastime, it is essen-
tial to divest yourself of all sense of good-feeling, fairness, and self-respect;
and get rid of all such fatal weaknesses as courtesy and openness to conviction.
The art of disputing with dignity and decorum, if it ever existed, is a lost one.

Secondly, you must set up an opinion. We say set up advisedly, because the
establishment of an opinion, like the purchase of a carriage, is an act of pure
volition, and has no necessary relation to the intellect or conscience. The more
arbitrary and irrational this opinion the better for the special purpose in con-
templation. The conviction or assumption that you are the greatest, wisest,
and best of mankind, is a very promising principle to start with.

You must then discover somebody, of a contentious turn of mind, whose pet
opinion is diametrically opposed to your own. You will have no difficulty in
doing this.

Your next step is to tell him, with dogmatic directness, that he is wrong, and
suggest, with unmistakeable obviousness, that he is an objectionable idiot for
not agreeing with you. Unless he be a wise man—an improbable contingency
which need hardly be considered—he will certainly retort m kind, and then the
game is fairly set going.

You thereupon sit down and carefully elaborate a scornful and uncompli-
mentary rejoinder. This is the easiest thing in the world, given time, pen and
ink, and a hne freedom from gentlemanly scruples. Your object will, of course,
be to say not what is true, but what is telling ; not what you honestly think to
be pertinent, but what you shrewdly imagine will be painful. Any sense of
fairness or of kindly feeling would rob your invective of half its sting. You
must be smart and scathing at any cost. Every sentence should be so shaped
as to imply your own serene superiority, and your adversary's immeasurable
degradation. This, which in ordinary circumstances might seem caddish conceit,
is a sine qua non in quarrelling, which, like patriotism, covers a multitude of
sins. The "yah-hoo" style of derision in favour with street-boys, and the
"you 're another" fashion of retort, characteristic of silly women on the wrangle,
will be found valuable auxiliaries. Comparisons, the more literally " odorous"
the better, are also essential. The suggestion, more or less subtly conveyed,
that your opponent is of asinine extraction or simious descent is effective,
though, from constant repetition, a little stale. Entomological epithets and
reptilian analogies, greatly in favour with fervid men of genius, are more offen-
sive, and therefore more eligible, weapons of assault. It has been truly said
that there is nothing like hitting a man with a frying-pan; if it does not hurt
him, it may dirt him. Abuse suggestive of foul sights and evil smells is sure of
some effect, if only upon your opponent's eyes and nose. The sum of your
jeremiad may be beside the mark, its epigram may smell at once of the lamp and
the gutter, but that does not matter. You will have the sweet consciousness
of having concocted a crusher, and may complacently await a reply.

It will come, and will probably be yet more irrelevant in its arguments,
laboured in its diction, malodorous in its epithets, than your attack. It is de
regie on each side to maintain a fine show of indifference to the prick of their
adversary's pungencies. ^The transparent insincerity of the assumption adds
greatly to the zest of the squabble.

This sort of thing can be continued until one party or the other gets tired
of it, or resolves upon an appeal to the law. In the first case he will simply
have wasted a deal of his time, in the second he will probably waste also a con-
siderable amount of his money.

Such are in outline the chief rules and regulations of
the new Round Game of Unlimited Shindy. It is a
game only fit for noodles and cads, but has attained a
considerable, though it may be hoped fleeting, popu-
larity among ill-advised Gentlemen and misguided men
of Art and Letters.

SHOPKEEPERS V. STORES.

A Deputation of London Tradesmen waited yesterday
on Mr. Punch to solicit his intervention to rescue them
from the ruin they believe themselves threatened with
by the competition of Co-operative Stores.

The Deputation was headed by Mr. Tillkins, who
expressed their fears in prolix and piteous terms.

Mr. Punch said he had himself no dealings with Co-
operative Stores. He continued to patronise the trades-
men he had employed all his life. They supplied him
with the best of articles on the lowest possible terms;
and were content with the honour of serving him, as he
never asked credit. As long as they fulfilled these con-
ditions, they would preserve his custom. In what way
could he assist the respected gentlemen he saw before him ?

Mr. Compter said that the Government allowed Co-
operative establishments to be carried on under the
names of Departments, and entitled Civil Service, Naval,
and Military Stores. A word from Mr. Punch, he was
sure, would compel the authorities to prohibit this un-
warrantable assumption.

Mr. Punch thought such prohibition would do more
good than harm to the Co-operative Stores. Eor his own
part he always felt rather prejudiced than otherwise
against an establishment with a high-sounding name—
which, to him, would rather, if he didn't know better,
suggest puffery.

Mr. Billion would ask Mr. Punch to request the
State authorities to discourage Co-operative Stores con-
nected with public offices, either by materially reducing
the salaries of public servants, or increasing their hours
of service, so as to leave them no time to practise any
employment but what they were paid for with the
public money.

Mr. Punch said that nothing could prevent Civil Ser-
vants from subscribing to or taking shares in any com-
mercial undertaking, and the more their salaries were
cut down, the greater would be the necessity for their
buying in the cheapest market.

Mr. Figster observed that Free Trade had been
weighed in the balance, and found wanting.

Mr. Punch replied, that so had groceries, provisions,
and a great many other commodities, and shortness of
weight was too often combined with adulteration. _ Co-
operative Stores sold genuine articles by just weights
and measures. Co-operative Stores never allowed house-
keepers or other servants a commission on bills. If
those who started Co-operative Stores were the Shop-
keepers' enemies, let the Shopkeepers take lessons in busi-
ness from their enemies, all ow due discount for ready
money, avoid long credits and bad debts, and be contented
with moderate gains. They had on their side all the ad-
vantages of experience; and there was one point of ex-
cellence in which they could always compete with the
Civil Service, namely, in civility, which was not always
kept in stock, he understood, at the Stores ; and, talking
of civility, as he (Mr. Punch) was just then particularly
busy, he would desire them to take up no more of his
valuable time, and would wish them a good morning.

With that, Mr. Punch bowed the Deputation out of
his office, and Toby courteously saw them down-stairs.

Peace, Peace!

Punch begs to implore the mercy of his Correspon-
dents, who keep on ringing the changes on the name of
Peace till Punch is compelled to repeat, what he has
often said before, that he won't have Peace at any
price.

reassuring.

The "Patent Railway Rack" is not, as might be
imagined, a new torment for the long-suffering railway
traveller, but an ingenious arrangement for displaying
advertisements in railway carriages by aid of mirrors.

vol. lxxvi.