Punch: Punch (76.1879)

132 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 22, 1879.

EPISODES IN HIGH LIFE.

[From Jeames's Sketch-book.)

Sir Charles. " I ought to take you down to Dinner, Duchess ; but
the Staircases of these London Houses are so absurdly narrow, you
know ! "

HORATIUS, AND LONDON BRIDGE.

A Lay made about the Year of tlie City, 1879.

The Common Council sitting,

jProps of the City's State,
How London Bridge to widen

Held long and deep debate.
The Fathers of the City

Had uttered all their groans
O'er carriage, cab, and waggon block,

Then called Horatius Jones.

Then out spake brave Horatius,

The City Architect.
He simply said—" Good gracious ! "—

And but said what you'd expect—
" Widen the Bridge, 0 Council,

"With all the speed ye may.
I, with some more to help me,

Will find you plan and way."

Then out spake Street, and Ferguson,

H. Carr, and Bennie too,
The Times, the Daily Telegraph,

And Saturday Revieiv :
" 0 Fathers of the City, .

We humbly beg you won't! "
And Punch in solemn tone repeats

His golden warning—"Don't ! "

" Horatius," quoth the Council,

" As thou sayest let it be.
Go, order bricks and mortar,

Nor spare the £ s. d.
Some asses may oppose us,

Some Artists may be vexed ;
But if we once can win the bridge,

What mayn't we go at next! "

Punch smiled upon Horatius

A smile serene and high ;
He eyed the flinching Councillors,

And scorn was in his eye.
Quoth he, "The Bridge's beauty

Think ye ye will enhance,
With modern brickwork fitting not

The style of J2ewm'e-eance ?

1' The Bridge gives scope for movement

To cab and cart and coach.
No ! If you want improvement,

Best widen each approach.
In future City chronicles,

Oh, let it not be told
How brave Horatius spoilt the Bridge,

In the dark days of old."

The Commander-in-Chief for Africa.—General Cap (e) ability.

THE MILITIA IN THE MILL.

The commanding Officers of Militia Begiments are
obliged to keep a Diary, corresponding—mutatis mutandis
—to the log of a ship at sea. In this record appear all
the principal events of the day. Now that Colonel-
Secretary Stanley has reduced the annual training
to twenty days, the record wiU be more than usually
interesting. Mr. Punch keeps a prophet on his pre-
mises at 85, Fleet Street, and by his aid is enabled to
give a specimen of one of these Diaries infuturo. It
will be seen that the regiment of which this is the
record will be materially benefited by the economy of
the Government:—■

First Week.

Monday.-—Begiment assembled by twos and threes.
The guardroom full of "drunk and disorderly" by a
quarter to four o'clock. No work done.

Tuesday.—Gave the men their clothing, and took their
rags into store.

Wednesday.—Fitting on uniforms. Very hard at
work all day with the regimental tailors.

Thursday.-—First parade in uniform. Distributed
arms, and read the Mutiny Act. Thought of drill, but
it rained heavily, so dismissed the battalion.

Friday. — Squad-drill of an elementary character.
Officers lounged about doing nothing.

Saturday.—Inspection of clothing, and Saturday half-
holiday.

Sunday.—Church parade in the morning, and dismiss.

Second Week.

Monday.—By order of the Secretary of State com-
menced musketry course. Men drilled in aiming at
nothing in particular.

Tuesday.—Men still being drilled (by numbers) to aim
at nothing in particular.

Wednesday.—Wet day. Nothing doing. Battalion
dismissed at 10*15 a.m.

Thursday.—Musketry course continued. Blank-car-
tridge firing. Excellent joke for the men—rather slow
for the officers. Doctor has little or nothing to do now
that ramrods are abolished.

Friday.—Target practice. Target hit once in every
fifty shots. Capital result. End of musketry course.

Saturday.—Inspection of clothing, half-holiday, and
dismiss.

Sunday.—Church. Holiday for the rest of the day.

Third Week.

Monday.—Drill in earnest. The whole regiment em-
ployed in the last stage, having had to miss the first,
second, and third. Not very well grounded in conse-
quence.

Tuesday. — Making up for lost time. Everybody
working at high pressure. Battalion drill attempted be-
fore anyone has learned his ABC. Besult—general
confusion and a great deal of shouting.

Wed?iesday.—Preparing for the inspection. Busy with
pay-lists, companies' ledgers, &c, &c.

Thursday.—Inspection. Eccentric manoeuvres. In-
specting officer using language not to be found in the
Queen's Regulations or the Field Exercises of the Army.
Great loss of temper on all sides.

Friday.—Uniforms taken into store, and rags returned
to their owners.

Saturday.—The battalion disbanded, having rushed in
four days through a musketry course requiring six weeks,
and learned the whole duty of a soldier in rather less
than fifteen hours. Besult—to be discovered hereafter!

Sir Wilfrid's Prophecy.

They may say my Hobby's floundered,
And that I, his rider, silly am;

But Permissive Bill, now foundered,
Will be yet the People's William!

The Immortal on the Burials Bill.

{Over a Nonconformist.)

" Give him a little earth for charity."

Henry the Eighth, Act iv. sc. 2.

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