Punch: Punch (76.1879)

204

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 3, 1879.

fact of its being performed by the Khans eminent for piety, and is
called the Khan-Khan. If anyone, except a native, is found
dancing it, he is at once shikaree''d on the spot.

The place where the Bol Mosque is held is reached by several
steps downwards. It is something like one of our London under-
ground theatres, where you descend in order to reach the Upper
Circle ; and, I can tell you, only the Upper Circles are allowed here.
No jolly error. But it's the rummiest place I was ever in—taken
as a hole.

Trusting to my disguise, and my thorough acquaintance with
Fakaivazah manners, customs, and dialect, I went to the Bol
Mosque, and danced it with pretty Ral Jam Sukee, executing the

great step, Khik- Uphi, so admirably, as to draw rounds of applause
from the usually stolid natives. Whack went the drums, clang
went the cymbals, while the trumpets sounded a fanfare of triumph.

"Bis! 31illah!" they cried, meaning "encore," or "again,
Millah ! "-I was dressed as a Millah—" Bis > Bis ! Bis ! Millah! »

Ral Jam: Stjkee's eyes glowed with unwonted tire. At that
moment I caught sight of my servant, that accursed Rtjmmi, with
Pootih Sing. He was telling her who I was, and making her as
jealous as only an Injian Nautch-girl can be when she likes, and
when she loves!

Just as I was doing the Khik- Uphi for the last time, Pootih Sing
put out her foot and tripped me up. Off came my false nose and
whiskers! ! In an instant I had recovered myself, but not before
Sneekhaii Shah, my rival with Ral Jam Sukee, had recognised
me.

Rttmmi and Pootih Sing had disappeared. But in another second
the whole Bol Mosque would have been alarmed, and I should have
been sacrificed to the fanatical fury of the Fakawazahs, had I not
rushed at Sneekhae, pretended to embrace him frantically, as my
long-lost brother, and, hugging him so as to smother him, while I
squeezed his windpipe to_ prevent his uttering a sound, I dragged
him from the Bol Mosque into the garden, when, suddenly producing
from my pocket a little phial of chloroform, I applied it to Sneek-
hae' s mouth and nose, and, in another second, he lay at my feet more
senseless than he had ever been before.

Watching my opportunity, I dragged him into a side refreshment-
tent labelled " private," propped him up in a chair, placed a bottle
of wine (empty) on the table by his side, and then left him to his
fate.

Next Fve?iing.—Breakfasted on charpoy (that is, a pie made of
lake-fish potted), and left early. Rummi nowhere to be seen. I
think he has got into difficulties with Pootih Sing, the Nautch-girl.
If so, I don't pity him. Heard no more of Sneekhae and the Bol
Mosque.

Dai/ after the Fair.—This morning ate a Zenana for breakfast.
First time I've tasted one. They say it's an acquired taste. If so,
I acquired it very quickly, as I liked it at once.* No news of Rtjmmi
or Pootih Sing, or Sneekhae. Am I free ? or not ? I must keep
my eye open, and hook it if necessary.

Tuesday— Called on Dhoodeen Shah. He was looking very

* From Editor to Fuzzeli Frinceps.—Bear E.,—When you say " Zenana "
you surely don't mean Zenana, as that you have alluded to already in these
papers as a harem, where the Sultanas reside. I just draw your attention to
what seems a mistake, and am yours very truly, The Editor.

Reply from F. P. to Editor.—So joily error. Allow me to draw your
attention—and I can draw that as well as I can anything else—to the fact
that there are more meanings than one attached to the word Zenana, depend-
ing on circumstances and pronunciation. You can find plenty of parallels in
English. But you must find 'em for yourself, as I haven't the time.—Yours
jollity, E. P., 6ft. 4in.

black. Took a portrait of him, highly coloured. Noticed about the
Court-yard several tine, jolly-looking fellows, who would have made
handsome fortunes as models in London.

It is not perhaps generally known that one of the most lucrative
professions in town is that of a model. Almost all the Chancellors
and most of the Judges began life as models, and I trust they will
always continue to be models to the end of their days.

One eminent Judge was known as Apollo Belvidere, another as
Adonis, and a third as Hercules. The most extraordinary example
of a professional model is the M.P. who sits for Parliament.

On returning to my bungalow, I heard a confused murmur.
What could it mean ? " No jolly larks ? " I whispered to myself.

Rtjmmi's voice! ! The native Peelahs (that is, Indian Police)
were searching for some one. Me ! by jingo ! Sneekhae had been
only half chloroformed, had woke up, and told the whole story
of the Bol Mosque. Pootih Sing had quarrelled with Rtjmmi, and
charged him with the crime, but Rtjmmi had pledged himself to find
the true culprit, and Sneekhae had engaged the Peelahs (Indian
Police), at so much a day to discover me, and bring me to justice.
Failing this, within a certain time, Sneekhae and Rtjmmi would
both be executed, as having attempted to deceive Justice.

Hurried Diary, which I jot doion ivhile rushing from one tvindow
to another, to ascertain best mode of escape.—Not a minute to be lost.
Escape by the street impossible. Escape by road ? Not a chance.
By rail ? Not a line within twenty miles. By river ? Ha !

My bungalow is situated on a most healthy elevation at the
summit of the Oreat Torrent, which has a fall of two thousand feet
into the placid river below. No time for hesitation. How to
descend ? Out of my kitchen-window. 'Tis but a drop of a few
yards, including the back yard, to begin with. Then the drop into
the fall will be but as a drop in the ocean after that.

No boat can live in that awful boiling current!

I don't care whether a " boat can live in that boiling current"—
the question is, can / live in it; that is, sufficiently long to live out
of it afterwards ?

The Peelahs are hammering at the door. Down it must come
with a crash. And then—I am a lost man. Come, desperation,
lend thy furious hold !

Ha! I see my way—I see the plan ! I am a man of resources—
and in another second-

LIBERTY A LA RUSSE.

Now that the worse half of Russia is under martial law, and the
citizens of the more important towns have to provide spies to watch
their own houses, other coercive measures may be confidently ex-
pected. Without pretending to share the secrets of the Czae, Mr.
Punch may hint, that the following regulations will be shortly
promulgated:—

1. Agents of the Government will be placed under the dinner-
table at banquets of six or more persons.

2. Every keyhole will be furnished with an observer, whose duty
it will be to listen to all conversations held in the room to which the
door belongs.

3. All letters will be opened at the Post Office, and copies kept
thereof, with the exception of correspondence passing between
engaged persons.

4. An Inspector of Diaries will be appointed to every ten houses,
whose duty it will be to read and take notes for the Third
Section of the daily records of meals, amusements, conversations,
businesses, and pleasures, which the residents will be required to
keep, on pain of arrest and imprisonment in a fortress.

5. When a person is suspected of disaffection to the Government,
an agent will be stationed in his bedroom (at the expense of his
family) to listen to any remarks he may make in his sleep.
Remarks of a compromising character will render the speaker
liable to arrest.

6. Duplicate keys of all cupboards, bureaux, and writing desks,
must be kept by householders, and handed to the agents of
authority on demand.

7. Births, deaths, and marriages, will not in future be permitted
without the sanction of the General Commanding the District.

8. All persons will be required to think aloud in the presence of a
Government official.

_ And 9 and last. A licence will be required for everything—the
right to pay taxes included.

The Island of Matacong.

"Sierra Leone, April 7 {via Liverpool).—The French authorities still
hold Matacong, and the excitement here has not subsided. It is rumoured
that General Eow is going over to again hoist the British flag on the
island."

A Wae with France about Matacong ! The One Thing wanted—
to complete the Imperial Cycle.

Mr To CouBssroifBiiH'Ts.—The Editor does not hold himself bound to acknowledge, return, or pay for Contributions. In no case can these be returned unless accompanied by a

stamped and directed envelopt. Copies thould be kept.