Punch: Punch (76.1879)

208

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 10, 1879.

would see personal responsibility brought home in all cases, and
this, he thought, would come to much the same thing as compulsory
inspection. In short,

Better let boilers bust,

With inspection ad libitum,
Than that Law should say " must,"

And from busting prohibit 'em.

Wednesday.—Sir Robert Peel much annoyed that he was not
allowed to couple a side-long- sneer at Mr. Gladstone with a savage
onslaught on Russia, in a question mixing up Mr. Gladstone's
complaint of Neapolitan prison-horrors in 1851-52 with the Nihilist
terror and the state of siege under the martial law of the Czar
Alexander in 1879.

The Speaker emphatically gave Sir Robert to undertand that
even he must observe the rules of the House as to questions.

Mr. Sullivan tried to crown the edifice of the Irish Sunday
Closing Bill with a Saturday Restricting Bill—to shut the rural Irish
publics at eight, and the town publics at six. One would have
thought Irish Members had had enough last year of fighting over
liquor-limitation law, but they managed to keep up a very purty
scrimmage over Mr. Sullivan's Bill till Mr. Callan talked it out
by a quarter to six.

Thursday {Lords).—Ought landlords, or tenants, or both, to be
rated towards the conservancy of rivers ? A nice debateable point,
with a great deal to be said on all sides. " Landlords." say Lords
Kimberley, Galloway, Morley, and Redesdale ; Both," say
the Duke of Richmond and the Marquis of Ripon, and carry their
Lordships with them by 57 to 36.

{Commons.)—Sir J. Goldsmid wanted to know if the Serjeant-at-
Arms had the right to order or take Honourable Members out of
their Committee-rooms into the House to make a quorum f

The Speaker said it was so laid down in the books. He could
send round the Serjeant-at-Arms without the Mace to ask Members
to make a House, and, if they didn't come, then with the Mace, to
make them ! So " the Bauble " has its uses—one is glad to know.

In Committee on Army Discipline Bill, Sir H. Havelock moved
that no officer should be put on half-pay or removed from an
appointment on report of a Court of Inquiry, without opportunity of
trial by a Court-Martial.

Sir w. Harcourt agreed that Courts of Inquiry might be used in
an unfair and oppressive way, and ought to be carefully regulated,
but he did not see how they could be abolished.

Colonel Stanley offered to issue regulations binding on these
Courts; and a brisk controversy arose among the soldiers and
would-be soldiers present, whether this offer went far enough. At
last, being sore pressed, Mr. Cross, for Colonel Stanley, was fain
to promise that the regulations should be laid before the House,
before Third Blading .of the Bill.

Then the House got through nine clauses of the Bill, after some
discussion of the billeting allowance besides.

A real stroke of business done, if a small one. Laus Deo !

Friday {Lords).—All Government can tell Lord Granville about
our South-African High Commissioner and the chances and terms of
Peace is that he has been expressly warned,

" We don't want to fight,
And, by Jingo, if you do ! "--

Her Majesty's Government have had more South Africa than they
can digest, and positively "won't take any more." So let Sir B.
put that in his pipe.

As to terms of peace—Good heavens ! how should Her Majesty's
Government know anything about them ! Let Sir B. settle it the best
way he can, and get rid of the business, which has been more bother
and annoyance and danger to the Government credit and prestige
than it can ever be worth.

In the oft-threshed matter of poor men's payments to Friendly
Societies,_ Earl Fortescue tried in vain to get their Lordships to
follow^ him along the strait way of Poor-Law principle, from
the broad and dangerous path of humanity. Their Lordships
stand by the last settlement of the matter, which, it is to be hoped,
will be now accepted. Poor men's payments in the hands of Clubs
and Friendly Societies, will not be forfeit to Boards of Guardians,
if they come to " the House" by pinch of sickness, loss of wits, or
any other of the ills flesh—and poor man's flesh above all—is heir to.

{Commons.)—Sir R. Peel tried again to hit at Mr. Gladstone and
his protest against Neapolitan tyranny, some eight-and-twenty years
ago, under cover of a question why Government don't remonstrate
with Russia on her domiciliary severities. But Sir Stafford
Northcote very properly put him down. Naples was a bad little
boy, Russia is a bad big one. Besides, we can't be thrusting our
fingers into all the messes. We have them in messes enough already.
Sir Robert found a congenial "backer" in the Major—Arcades
ambo—but the Major is the more amusing Arcadian. His pro-
clamation of the Czar as the ideal "iEdile" was irresistibly funny.

South Africa on the tapis, and Mr. Ketchwayo's little cheque

to the end of March—£1,539,000, if you please—and everybody would
be obliged by an early settlement.

And then, strange to say, on Mr. Shaw-Lffevre's Motion for
giving more power to the Bright-Clauses of the Irish Land Act
(which help tenants to buy their holdings), came the most satis-
factory Irish night's talk and night's work the House has had since
the Land Act passed.

There was really quite a tone of hope and cheerfulness about it;
and it was a comfort to see Tories and Whigs, Radicals and Home-
Rulers, Mr. Errington and Mr. Plunket, Mr. Gladstone and
Mr. Kjng-Harman, Mr. Macarthy and Mr Law, and Mr. Bright,
all laying their heads together in something like friendly consi-
deration of the best means for turning discontented Irish tenants
into industrious and peaceful sm.all owners, with hope to light up
their lives, and give them something better to do than listen to
agitation. Of course Mr. Lowther could hardly be looked for to
go far on this road ; but he went farther than might have been
expected. And Sir Stafford Northcote says the Government will
make a proposal before the end of the Session. Punch for once
has got something like pleasure over an Irish Parliamentary palaver.

ATHLETICS AS THEY OUGHT TO BE.

feeding to the consideration
that it is their mission to
test the endurance of hu-
manity to the utmost, the
Directors of the Urbs-in-
Rure-Hall Company have
decided upon holding, in
their spacious premises,

A Grand Scientific and
Athletic Carnival

of an unique description.
Hitherto, only races for
comparatively short periods
of time, and under easy
conditions, have been pre-
sented to the athletic pub-
lic. On this occasion,

A Six Months' Race of

the most really try-
ing Character

will be inaugurated. The
following will be the

Rides and Regulations.

:/-^MBy IfSjst^-' ' i. The competitors dur-

/» %'C>^^Bf»P' "^T^-v ^ ing the first month will

walk upon their knees.
During the remainder of the time they will be permitted to hop on
either leg they'may select. The leg, once selected, not to be changed
during the remainder of the race.

2. No competitor to be allowed to sleep more than one hour in
twenty-four. The competitors to take their rest in chairs. During
the first month the chairs to have no arms.

3. Any competitor accepting the services of a doctor, to be dis-
qualified.

4. When the Public are present, the competitors will be required
to smile six times an hour, and generally to appear_cheerful.

5. During the last two months the competitors will be expected to
keep step with the brass band, and (when the Public are present)
to indulge in a playful caper once in every four " laps."

6. The competitors, before entering upon the contest, will sign a
paper, releasing the Directors from responsibility for any fatal con-
sequences. They will bind themselves to throw all possible diffi-
culties in the way of proceedings instigated or taken by the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

7. On admission to the contest, the competitors will pay a small
fee, to cover the expenses of inquests, &c.

These rules will be strictly observed. On the conclusion of the
Race, will be awarded the following

Prizes.

First Pr ize — Champion's Belt and a fourth of the gate-money.
Second Prize.—A ticket of admission to the Royal Hospital for
Incurables.

For every competitor who completes two months—a first-class

carriage funeral. -n r\ j

° By Order,

( A. Smith, Secretary to the Directors.
(Signed) ] B. Brown, Manager of the Race and Funeral
( Department.