Punch: Punch (76.1879)

Mat 31, 1879.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

anywhere; but, as a likeness, I regret to
say, I so far allowed my natural politeness
to get the better of my veracity in Art as
to paint him not only not so black as he
really was—the old beast!—but actually
to represent him as a gentlemanly creature
in evening dress, and decore, instead of
being a half-clothed, under-bred, vulgar
savage, with no more decore about him
than decorum. I give a graphic illustra-
tion, which tells its own story.

" Five hundred guinea doose large sum,"
he repeated.

" No," I replied; " not for such a
picture."

" You pay me sittee ? " he asked.

I was up to him, the old rogue.

" I couldn't think of insulting the great
Rajah Tippoo Toppee—the tall palm among
all tall trees—by treating him as a model."

At this rejoinder he started up.

" Make ready ! Present! " he shrieked to
the hundred blackguards. With one action
up went a hundred muskets. I was sur-
rounded. The word to "fire! " was not
yet given. There was yet time.

" Capital! " I exclaimed, pretending to
be immensely pleased with the manoeuvre,
though my life hung on a thread; and with
the sangfroid for which I am distinguished,
Iwheeled about, and saluted in true Volun-
teer and artistic fashion. There is some one
belonging to the Old Maidenly Reserves,
whose motto is " Ready, aye ready! " And
long may it be so—until we 're wanted !

Tippoo Toppee saw the effect my military
demeanour had on the troops, and proceeded
to address me.

" You think Tippoo Toppee no jam
swell"—(I substitute "jam" for the word
which he really used)—"You think Tippoo
Toppee no jam model of a Rajah. You jam
fool, Sar! You tell jam lie! Tell black jam
truth, or Guards go jam bang-bang, and
then jolly old jam painter jam well done
for."

I surrendered at discretion.

'' Tippoo Toppee not unkind to fool of
Painter. Tippoo Toppee sitty man. Tippoo
know value of him j am time. Painter charge
five hundred guineas for picture. Model
Tippoo charge five thousand to Painter.
Painter pay difference, or Guards shoot
Painter; and Tippoo sitty man keep pic-
ture as memory of jam sad fate of Painter."

" Rajah Tippoo Toppee," I said, with all
that suaviter in modo which I so well know
on occasion how to use—" Rajah Tippoo,

This is my Private Diary Sketch of
Tippoo Toppee, and exactly like.

you shall have the picture for nothing. It
shall be yours to do what you like with.
And I will go everywhere, telling the world

A FORTIORI.

Philistine, Father. " Why the dickens
'Derby Day'—something Everybody can understand, and Somebody buy?"

Young Genius. " Everybody understand, indeed ! Art is for the Few, Father,

and the higher the art, of course the fewer the few. the highest art of all

is for One. That Art is mine. That One is—Myself !"
Fond Mamma. "There speaks my Own Brave Boy!"

what a noble, splendid, gorgeous, kind, beneficent, delightful, powerful monarch is Rajah
Tippoo Toppee, and send everyone from everywhere to see this picture."
" Tippoo jam please. Paint jam picture, and hold jam tongue."

But the Guards had not received their commands to carry arms, and the old reprobate
himself was armed with a double-barrelled gun; and I confess that, spite of all my British
pluck, the way he handled the weapon, sighting it in a line with the back of my head, and
then aiming it at different parts of my anatomy, did cause my hand to shake a little occa-
sionally. But I held on. I polished him off, under pressure, in three hours, and then I left
him, admiring himself like a sardine preserved in oil.

While he was intent on the picture, I stole out. Not one of the Guards dared move.
Indeed, having been for two hours in this strained position, presenting arms, they had be-
come as stiff as wax-work figures; and as old Tippoo .Toppee's gun had long since
dropped from his hands, there was nothing to fear. I must tell the sequel.

The wretched old dog, thinking I was still in the room, and forgetting that his soldiers
formed three sides of a square, two of which were pointing at each other, and the third at
himself, suddenly called out, Fire ! "

His voice restored their energy. Obedience with them was a first duty. They fired. The
picture was riddled through, and poor Tippoo Toppee got two or three nasty ones—stingahs,
as they call them here, which made him jump up in the air, and turn round several times
before he sat down again.

The other Guards, thinking they were all dead men, tumbled down, but finding that
they could move with perfect ease, they arrived at the conclusion—which was corroborated
on surgical examination—that 'they had not been wounded. The bullets were all found in
their turbans.

Tippoo Toppee was in bed for a fortnight; and, I am informed, made constant use of
the word "jam." I fear the lesson has not done him any real good,

Crown for the Conqueror in our Isthmian Games.—A Bridle Wreath.