Punch: Punch (83.1882)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 15, 1882.

PROMISING !

Tourist. “Have you any decent Cigars?”

Highland Grocer. “Decent Cigars ? Ay, here are decent Cigars enough.”

Tourist. “Are they Havanahs, or Manillas?”

Highland Grocer. “ They ’re just erom Kiroaldy ! ”

THE BENEFIT NUISANCE.

(Forthcoming Paragraphs in the Daily Papers.)

Following a precedent set him by his histrionic brothers, the celebrated
Mr. Wigblock, Q.C., has determined to give one performance for his own
advantage. The learned gentleman will be supported at the matinee (which
is fixed to take place in the large Court of the Old Bailey) by an enormous
amount of forensic talent. Wishing to show their respect to the beneficiaire,
Mr. Justice Hawk (the well-known Member of the Judicial Hanging Committee),
Mr. Serjeant Yalentine (the amusing cross-examiner), and many others, will
put in an appearance. The entertainments will include a screaming Breach of
Promise Case and an exciting Trial for Murder. Tickets will be supplied by
Mr. Wigblock and the Ushers of the Court. All the places on the Bench
have already been secured, and there seems every probability that the popular
Queen’s Counsel will find the interesting occasion not only highly complimentary
but exceedingly lucrative.

His Grace the Primate, at the request of a number of Clerical admirers,
has consented to take his first Benefit in the Cathedral attached to his archi-
diacese. His Grace on this occasion will be supported by the Bishops of
Margate and Ramsgate, and the mirth-provoking Archdeacon of Herne Bay.
The entertainments will include selections from several Oratorios, interspersed
with short sermons by the most popular preachers. Plans of the Cathedral may
he seen at all the libraries, where tickets for the best places are now on sale.

His brother Officers wishing to show their respect to Field-Marshal Sir
Wellington Snooks, G.C.B., G.S.I., &c.,.&c., have determined upon organising
a Grand Review and Sham Fight for his Benefit, which will be under the
immediate patronage of their Royal Highnesses the Prince and Princess of

Wales and many other members of the Royal Family.
The performances will take place in Hyde Park, to which
admittance, on this occasion, will only be by ticket.
One of the “ features ” of the occasion will be an amusing
scene caused by Prince Christian assuming (for the first
time) the duties of a General. Bayonet-drill in quiet and
slow time will be performed by a picked company from
the Household Brigade, and there will be several charges-
by Light and Heavy Cavalry. The whole will conclude
with a grand March Past by thousands of Regulars,
Militia, and Volunteers. Applications for places on the
Grand Stand should be made to the D.A.-G., Horse-
Guards, Pall Mall, or at the private residence of the
Field-Marshal. It promises (if blessed with sunshine) to-
be a most brilliant affair. By the way, to discount the
weather, tickets of admission will be sold at double their
nominal price on the day itself.

By the persuasion of many of his medical friends, the
President of the Royal College of Surgical Physicians has
decided to take a Benefit, which will be held night and
day in the large theatre of the greatest of our leading
establishments. The beneftciare will, himself, perform
several extremely complicated operations. The pro-
gramme will also include a short address by Dr.
McQuinzey, upon “How to Turn a Hospital to the-
Best Account,” and a screaming Farce, enacted by
Students, called The Out-Patient, the Knife, and the
Young Beginners, and a recitation, in character, by a
celebrated Dietary Physician, entitled “No Soup; or.
What I did with the Prime Minister.” From the grear
demand for tickets of admission, which has already arisen,
it seems highly probable that the Banker’s books of the
learned President will derive considerable benefit from
the interesting, performances.

At the suggestion of Mr. J. L. Toole, and.many other
distinguished theatrical friends, Mr. Henry Irving has
kindly consented to take a Benefit, &c., &c.

At the suggestion of Mr. Henry Irving, and many
other distinguished theatrical friends, Mr. J. L. Toole
has kindly consented to take a Benefit, &c., &c.

&e.! &c.! &c.!

LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL.

A RIVERAIN RHYME.

Whoe’er has travelled life’s dull round—

Where’er his stages may have been—

May sigh to think that he has found
His wettest weather at an inn.

Shenstone. Edited by the Lazy One.

Beside the river in the rain—
The sopping sky is leaden
grey—-

I watch the drops run down the
pane !

Myself I fail to entertain—*

I sit and drone a dismal lay—
Beside the river in the rain !

I’ve studied Bradshaw, all in
vain;

I ’ve smoked the very blackest
clay ;

I watch the drops run down the
pane.

I’ve gazed upon big fishes slain,

That on the walls make brave display,

Beside the river in the rain.

I’ve read the local print inane,

And find it anything but gay ;

I watch the drops run down the pane.

I almost feel my boundless brain
At last shows signs of giving way ;

I watch the drops run down the pane.

I ’ll take at once the London train ;

No longer I ’ll attempt to stay,

Beside the river in the rain,

To watch the drops run down the pane !

We never knew he “entertained.” No cards received.—Ed.