Punch: Punch (83.1882)

130

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 16, 1882.

ANOTHER EGYPT!

The Duke of Buccleuch—
once celebrated as a nobleman
who tried to obstruct the pro-
gress of the Thames Embank-
ment—is interested in a town
calbd Askam Askam is in
Furness, not far from the Lake
district. Askam has twelve
streets. Only one is tho-
roughly made ; four are in-
complete, and seven have
never been made at all. Eight
are almost blocked with sand,
and the inhabitants have to
dig their way to their street-
doors. In many of the streets
passengers can walk along the
sand mounts, and see into the
bedrooms. Water is scarce ;
one tap supplies nineteen
houses; and those who fetch
th-ir fluid in cans re urn home
with a drink of sandy half-
and half The sewerage, of
course, is bad, and the Local
Board—unlike any other Local:
Board in the world—have!
spent three thousand pounds
on sewerage and streets with-
out being able to get a half-
penny from anybody. They
have asked the Duke of
Btjccleecu’s agent to do some-
thing and we wish they may
get it The Duke of Bcccleuch
is a worthy brother of the
Duke of Mudford.

The Game that is not
Worth the Candle —The
Hamper (carriage not paid)
which has been waiting for
three weeks outside the door
of your Chambers, during your
little tour on the Continent.

The Arabian Knights.—
The Arabs are generally total
abstainers. And no wonder
in a country where they be-
lieve in a variety of Jinns,
which are all bad spirits.

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.-NO. 101.

FINDING SOMETHING
FOR HIM TO DO.

H. S. ESTCOT'T.

a Man of The World, recently yet for-morlev appointed to the
Generalissimoship of the Fortnightly Review Forces.

Scene — Near the British
Camp. Enter Special Cor-
respondent of London
Paper, taking Notes. Enter
two Distinguished Military
Foreigners, arm-in-arm.

Special (recognising in the
first a Russian Military At-
tache, ivhose acquaintance he
has previously made at some
Continental Autumn Manoeu-
vres.) Ah, Colonel, what are
you doing here V

Russian Colonel (trying to
disengage his arm from his
companion, who sticks to him
like a leech). Well—ah — I
can’t do much—(makes an-
other attempt, and fails) . . .
(:resignedly) . . . nothing.

Special (a trifle puzzled, ad-
dressing second Distinguished
Foreigner). And your Royal
Highness . . . ?

Ii.R.H. Prince Teck (much
pleased at having some definite
duty). Oh, I’m told off to look
after Colonel Solozotjl.

[Clings to Russian Colonel
desperately and quite de-
Teck-tively, and exeunt
both together. Special
wires at once—“ Colonel
Solozotjl, Russian Mili-
tary Attache, arrived . . .
placed under care of Prince
Teck.”

Fuller Wenham is a very
| objectionable person They
were speaking in his presence
of a Septuagenarian Million-
naire ‘ ‘ The state of his
health,” said one of his nearest
I and dearest relations, “ causes
| us all the gravest anxiety.”
(“Probably,” remarked Mr.
Fdller Wenham, “ but the
state of his illness wouldn’t! ’

THE SPENDTHRIFT’S GUIDE—No. VI.

The most favourite form of money-wasting in England—and
probably in other countries —is the brick, stone, and mortar form.
There are spendthrift Companies who insist upon building Aqua-
riums in places that do not require Aquariums, with Directors who
are more fishy than the fish, and dividends that are suggestive of
low water. There are people who build gigantic hotels in places
that have no local population, and no power of attracting visitors :
and th-re are people who build mansions in places that have all the
disadvantages of the country, and none of its advantages There
are people who build Muddle-lodging-houses that never have been,
and never will be, occupied by the classes they were intend-d to
benefit; and ther- are people who build Colleges and Hospitals for
one purpose, that are persistently devo’ed to another. Capital has
been lavishiy wasted in many eccentric shapes but not to any
extent, in Museums. There is a great field for enterprise in Mu-
seums. I he Spendthrift could hardly do much better with his time
and money than invest them in a Museum of a perfectly novel type,
which he might properly call the Museum of National Disgrace.

England is a great country There is a tradition that the sun never
sets within its dominions. It clings to “ Rule Britannia! ” it glories
in National Debts, and it has an infinite power of taxation. The
centre of England is London, said to be the richest as it certainly is
the greatest city in the world. Its greatness is shown in a popula-
tion of four millions : its riches are disgraced by a hundred cases of
starvation a year. These cases are not all reported, or, if reported,
are disguised under the headings of “privation” “exposure,”

“neglect,” &c. The reporters are naturally ashamed to tell the
truth, and probably the public are glad that they are not compelled
to read it. With all our affected love of publicity, there is much
lhat we agree to conceal from ourselves, and from each other.

The Spendthrift will take a tract of land as near the offices of
Government as possible. On this he will raise a building regardless
of expense, prepared to receive a countless number of statues. The
moment any death from starvation occurs, he wi 1 obtain a cast of
the body, and from this he will raise a life-like repr*- sentation of the
miserable dead, and place it on a pedestal, wi’h the name age, cause
of death, and every other particular. The parish in which ihe death
occurred, tin amount of poor-rate levied in that parish, the name of
tin beadle who refused food at the workhouse gates, the name of the
policeman who thought that the dead man or woman was drunk, and
every disgraceful ant of Bumbledom should be recorded, lmt in a
register, but in large letters on the base of the statue, lighted by the
electric light. The Spendthrift should be prepared for a thousand
actions for libel a year The more the merrier Before the Museum
of National Disgrace has been opened for three or four years, the
annual cases of “exposure” will have sensibly diminished The
space at the Spendthrif’s disposal <an easily fie utilised. A small
hall for the statues of persons murdered by murderers never dis-
covered will form a well-filled “ Chamber of Horrors” in this much-
needed Museum.

“The Hundred of Hoo ” Railway was op m d last week. Which
Railway? No, not “Which;” Hoo. Who’s Hoo? Don’t know;
anyhow Hoo would never have had a railway but for Watt.