DOI Heft:
November 29, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17757#0271
264
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[November 29, 1884,
Business done.—Lords read Franchise Bill Second Time.
Wednesday.—Business of Parliament being done outside to-day.
The Markiss and the Premier, instead of throwing arf bricks at
each other, are hobnobbing over a pot of arf-and-arf round the
corner, and friendship reigns at Westminster.
Very few Members in the House. Woodall thought opportunity
favourable for running through Women’s Suffrage Bill. But
Warton, at his post.
Wanted to know a few
particulars. Finally chal-
lenged Bill.
“ Anybody tell with the
Hon. Member ? ” asked
Speaker, as if there was
not least probability of
answer in the affirmative.
Kenny happened to be
present. Looked round;
rapidly did sum in arith-
metic. Estimated that
there were thirty Mem-
bers who would be vexed
if leave to bring in Bill
refused, and only half-a-
dozen indifferent. Chance
of vexing thirty irresistible
attraction, so offered to
tell with Warton. On
Division leave given by
29 against 8.
W oodall in terrible
trepidation lest Warton
should do something else.
As soon as paper handed
to him he retired the usual
paces, and began to read
out the figures instead of
coming up to the table.
William Woodall introduces bis little
Miss Billimina.
Friends shouted at him, nudged him; all no use.
“Evidently something the matter,” Woodall whispered to
himself. “ Thing to do get figures read and all be safe.”
So he read them out as he stood, whilst there echoed through' the
House a cry of “Saved!” in a female voice, and there were
evidently some faintings going on in Ladies’ Gallery.
Thursday Night.—Interesting to note how business-like House of
Commons can be when it likes. On report of Supply, Bechuanaland
question came up. Gorst interposed, and raised debate. ChaMber-
laijt nipped intention in the buu by promptly getting up and making
a statement which should be printed and kept handy on the table as
a model for Ministers. Not a word too much nor an assurance too
little. The whole thing
over within three minutes.
Forster prepared, if his
country needed it, to talk
for hour on the subject.
Couldn’t very well after
Chamberlain’s speech.
Hicks-Beach the same ;
and what might have
lasted till dreary mid-
night, was over in an hour,
and the House up.
Gladstone at bay,
Members poking at him
from all sides of the House
with questions on all sub-
jects. The Grand Old
Oracle not to be drawn.
Answers everyone at
length, but no one gets
particularly much out of
him. Practised to-night a
new device. Spoke in low
confidential tone. Before
questioner could make out
whether he had caught
every syllable of the tortu-
ous sentence, Gladstone
on his legs again, answer-
ing another question.
Joseph Gillis says he must tackle him himself. Had six ques-
tions on the paper to-day, but did not happen to put any of them to
the Premier.
“I’ll make him sit up,” said Joey B., pleasantly, “I’ll ask
him whether it’s true that he gets a discount off his Income-Tax on
Bill ’Arcdtt.
“ I am in entire sympathy with the Cos-
termongers.”—Times' Report of Interview
of Costers with the Seldom-at Some Sec.
account of being Prime Minister. That ’ll fetch him.” Business
done.—Went home at Six o’Clock.
Friday.—Labby very nearly abolished House of Lords to-night.
Would have done it too but for Gladstone, who threw his sheltering
wings around the hoary institution. Resolution beaten by two do
one. But if all who walked out had voted as they thought, things
would have been different—altogether different, supposing Markiss
had stiff been on the fighting tack.
Business done.—Lords reprieved by 145 votes against 71.
DISHED DP.
Among all the Isles of the Ocean where be they that, in popular!
phraseology, and the burden of a well-known song, are designated
the “ Cannibal Islands ” ? Echo may well enough answer “ Where ? ”
There are sundry Cannibal Islands, perhaps, in several seas; and a
vague interrogation doesn’t admit of a precise reply. But, amongst
the Islands for which “ Cannibal” is a fitting term, may be men-
tioned the Marquesas, in the South Pacific. Their natives, however,
appear to be accustomed to eat one another from quite another incen- j
tive than the love of Man for Man—as an article of food. According
to the Athenceum :—
“ Dr. Clavel, who has recently returned from the Marquesas, after a
stay of six 'months there, has expressed the opinion lhat Anthropophagy in
the islands was not caused by a liking for human flesh, but by personal ran-
cour, and quoted a case in which a chief of Hatibeu had eaten his mother-
in-law, but made a gesture of repugnance when asked if he liked the food.”
“ Nasty old woman ! —naturally the disgusted son-in-law meant
to say. He had disagreed with his mother-in-law during life, and
still after her decease she disagreed with him.
In the British as in the Cannibal Islands—Marquesas—a man’s
mother-in-law, if she live with him, usually lives upon him;
but of course it is impossible for him ever to indemnify or revenge j
himself by living upon her, as the custom is in the Polynesian Can-
nibal Islands. Her disagreement with her son-in-law can last no
longer than her lifetime. Happy man be his dole! j
“THE QUICKEST THING ON RECORD.”
Sir,—I went right through Dark Days from cover to cover in i
exactly fifty minutes. Once I had hit off the scent, it was very easy j
going, and I took all the familiar obstacles, short paragraphs, and j
descriptive padding of about three or four stiffish pages at a time, ;
flying. The book cost ninepence, so my run stood me in something
under a penny for every five minutes. The beautifully simple plot j
struck me as the sort of thing that any practised member of the
“ Blackwood ” Hunt would have written off in a couple of days. So
much the better for Mr. Fargus.
What is the story? Well, it belongs to The Silver King and
Jonathan Bradford family. A woman thinks that in her delirium
she has killed her seducer. The man, who marries her, thinks the
same thing, and like the Admiral in Billy Taylor, “ werry much
applauded what she’d done.” The real murderer is arrested and
pleads guilty. Dark Days are transformed into scenes of dazzling
light and all is Happiness. Anyhow, I went full gallop through
it in fifty minutes, and consider it, even at that rate, a very good
ninepenn’orth. Yours truly, Jumps.
P.S.—A schoolboy’s selection from Dark Days would be “ Black
Monday.” — --- j
THEY STAND CORRECTED.
There are few words in the English language used so frequently in
a sense entirely disconnected from its true meaning as is the word
“ Humanitarian.” Journalists are perpetually writing of “ humani-
tarian views” and “humanitarian doctrines” as if the distinctive
epithet were synonymous with “ philanthropical ” or were expressive
of a tender feeling on the part of man towards animals, as sharing
what materialists call “ our common humanity.” But strictly, and
indeed correctly, “Humanitarian views or doctrines” means theo-
logical doctrines, or opinions held by the Humanitarians, who are
one of the oldest of the heretical sects that chose to take its own view
of a great central dogma of Christianity.
The Times Australian correspondent anent the difficulties with the
German traders, quoted one of these gentry as saying to an ex-
missionary in Sydney—“ Your humanitarian doctrines are all
humbug ; we go in for trade and profit, &c.” What he meant to say
was, that our protection of the natives was what he, as a German
trader, considered “bosh” ; but what he really did say, when cor-
rectly interpreted, was, that the ex-missionary’s teaching was
heretical, which was not at all what he meant to convey, as he was
simply talking business, and not discussing theology. In fact
writers might as well employ the word “ Methodist ” as meaning
“ a man of system,” or “ a man with a faculty for organisation,” as
to use the word Humanitarian, meaning thereby a philanthropist, or
one with a sentimental tenderness for dumb animals.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[November 29, 1884,
Business done.—Lords read Franchise Bill Second Time.
Wednesday.—Business of Parliament being done outside to-day.
The Markiss and the Premier, instead of throwing arf bricks at
each other, are hobnobbing over a pot of arf-and-arf round the
corner, and friendship reigns at Westminster.
Very few Members in the House. Woodall thought opportunity
favourable for running through Women’s Suffrage Bill. But
Warton, at his post.
Wanted to know a few
particulars. Finally chal-
lenged Bill.
“ Anybody tell with the
Hon. Member ? ” asked
Speaker, as if there was
not least probability of
answer in the affirmative.
Kenny happened to be
present. Looked round;
rapidly did sum in arith-
metic. Estimated that
there were thirty Mem-
bers who would be vexed
if leave to bring in Bill
refused, and only half-a-
dozen indifferent. Chance
of vexing thirty irresistible
attraction, so offered to
tell with Warton. On
Division leave given by
29 against 8.
W oodall in terrible
trepidation lest Warton
should do something else.
As soon as paper handed
to him he retired the usual
paces, and began to read
out the figures instead of
coming up to the table.
William Woodall introduces bis little
Miss Billimina.
Friends shouted at him, nudged him; all no use.
“Evidently something the matter,” Woodall whispered to
himself. “ Thing to do get figures read and all be safe.”
So he read them out as he stood, whilst there echoed through' the
House a cry of “Saved!” in a female voice, and there were
evidently some faintings going on in Ladies’ Gallery.
Thursday Night.—Interesting to note how business-like House of
Commons can be when it likes. On report of Supply, Bechuanaland
question came up. Gorst interposed, and raised debate. ChaMber-
laijt nipped intention in the buu by promptly getting up and making
a statement which should be printed and kept handy on the table as
a model for Ministers. Not a word too much nor an assurance too
little. The whole thing
over within three minutes.
Forster prepared, if his
country needed it, to talk
for hour on the subject.
Couldn’t very well after
Chamberlain’s speech.
Hicks-Beach the same ;
and what might have
lasted till dreary mid-
night, was over in an hour,
and the House up.
Gladstone at bay,
Members poking at him
from all sides of the House
with questions on all sub-
jects. The Grand Old
Oracle not to be drawn.
Answers everyone at
length, but no one gets
particularly much out of
him. Practised to-night a
new device. Spoke in low
confidential tone. Before
questioner could make out
whether he had caught
every syllable of the tortu-
ous sentence, Gladstone
on his legs again, answer-
ing another question.
Joseph Gillis says he must tackle him himself. Had six ques-
tions on the paper to-day, but did not happen to put any of them to
the Premier.
“I’ll make him sit up,” said Joey B., pleasantly, “I’ll ask
him whether it’s true that he gets a discount off his Income-Tax on
Bill ’Arcdtt.
“ I am in entire sympathy with the Cos-
termongers.”—Times' Report of Interview
of Costers with the Seldom-at Some Sec.
account of being Prime Minister. That ’ll fetch him.” Business
done.—Went home at Six o’Clock.
Friday.—Labby very nearly abolished House of Lords to-night.
Would have done it too but for Gladstone, who threw his sheltering
wings around the hoary institution. Resolution beaten by two do
one. But if all who walked out had voted as they thought, things
would have been different—altogether different, supposing Markiss
had stiff been on the fighting tack.
Business done.—Lords reprieved by 145 votes against 71.
DISHED DP.
Among all the Isles of the Ocean where be they that, in popular!
phraseology, and the burden of a well-known song, are designated
the “ Cannibal Islands ” ? Echo may well enough answer “ Where ? ”
There are sundry Cannibal Islands, perhaps, in several seas; and a
vague interrogation doesn’t admit of a precise reply. But, amongst
the Islands for which “ Cannibal” is a fitting term, may be men-
tioned the Marquesas, in the South Pacific. Their natives, however,
appear to be accustomed to eat one another from quite another incen- j
tive than the love of Man for Man—as an article of food. According
to the Athenceum :—
“ Dr. Clavel, who has recently returned from the Marquesas, after a
stay of six 'months there, has expressed the opinion lhat Anthropophagy in
the islands was not caused by a liking for human flesh, but by personal ran-
cour, and quoted a case in which a chief of Hatibeu had eaten his mother-
in-law, but made a gesture of repugnance when asked if he liked the food.”
“ Nasty old woman ! —naturally the disgusted son-in-law meant
to say. He had disagreed with his mother-in-law during life, and
still after her decease she disagreed with him.
In the British as in the Cannibal Islands—Marquesas—a man’s
mother-in-law, if she live with him, usually lives upon him;
but of course it is impossible for him ever to indemnify or revenge j
himself by living upon her, as the custom is in the Polynesian Can-
nibal Islands. Her disagreement with her son-in-law can last no
longer than her lifetime. Happy man be his dole! j
“THE QUICKEST THING ON RECORD.”
Sir,—I went right through Dark Days from cover to cover in i
exactly fifty minutes. Once I had hit off the scent, it was very easy j
going, and I took all the familiar obstacles, short paragraphs, and j
descriptive padding of about three or four stiffish pages at a time, ;
flying. The book cost ninepence, so my run stood me in something
under a penny for every five minutes. The beautifully simple plot j
struck me as the sort of thing that any practised member of the
“ Blackwood ” Hunt would have written off in a couple of days. So
much the better for Mr. Fargus.
What is the story? Well, it belongs to The Silver King and
Jonathan Bradford family. A woman thinks that in her delirium
she has killed her seducer. The man, who marries her, thinks the
same thing, and like the Admiral in Billy Taylor, “ werry much
applauded what she’d done.” The real murderer is arrested and
pleads guilty. Dark Days are transformed into scenes of dazzling
light and all is Happiness. Anyhow, I went full gallop through
it in fifty minutes, and consider it, even at that rate, a very good
ninepenn’orth. Yours truly, Jumps.
P.S.—A schoolboy’s selection from Dark Days would be “ Black
Monday.” — --- j
THEY STAND CORRECTED.
There are few words in the English language used so frequently in
a sense entirely disconnected from its true meaning as is the word
“ Humanitarian.” Journalists are perpetually writing of “ humani-
tarian views” and “humanitarian doctrines” as if the distinctive
epithet were synonymous with “ philanthropical ” or were expressive
of a tender feeling on the part of man towards animals, as sharing
what materialists call “ our common humanity.” But strictly, and
indeed correctly, “Humanitarian views or doctrines” means theo-
logical doctrines, or opinions held by the Humanitarians, who are
one of the oldest of the heretical sects that chose to take its own view
of a great central dogma of Christianity.
The Times Australian correspondent anent the difficulties with the
German traders, quoted one of these gentry as saying to an ex-
missionary in Sydney—“ Your humanitarian doctrines are all
humbug ; we go in for trade and profit, &c.” What he meant to say
was, that our protection of the natives was what he, as a German
trader, considered “bosh” ; but what he really did say, when cor-
rectly interpreted, was, that the ex-missionary’s teaching was
heretical, which was not at all what he meant to convey, as he was
simply talking business, and not discussing theology. In fact
writers might as well employ the word “ Methodist ” as meaning
“ a man of system,” or “ a man with a faculty for organisation,” as
to use the word Humanitarian, meaning thereby a philanthropist, or
one with a sentimental tenderness for dumb animals.