Punch: Punch (87.1884)

December 13, 1884.]

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

28?

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, December 1. — House re-
assembled to-day, after week’s holiday. At Five o’Clock terrible
shock. Chamber crowded everywhere. G-alleries crammed ; a single
seat vacant on floor of House. This for the Premier. _ But where
was he F Questions all over. Next move with him. Pained silence
fell over Assembly. Members on Liberal side began to look suspi-
ciously at Stafford Northcote, who sat with arms folded, and head
bent down. Two hundred Members ready to certify had seen Glad-
stone well and hearty at Foreign Office at Three o’Clock in the after-
noon. At Half-past Three had left Foreign Office, and not since been
heard of. Had innocent-looking Sir Stafford any guilty knowledge
of cause of delayed appearance ? Scouts sent out in all directions.

Meanwhile, business must go on. Motion on paper must be made.
At first suggested that, since Conservatives and Liberals now run
machine, Northcote might as well move Resolution that stood in
Premier’s name. Finally, Hartington rose to do it; whereupon
Gladstone appeared, laughing and chuckling, as if it all excellent joke.

“Heard it all,” he whispered to Richard Grosvenor, “hiding
Behind door. Thought I’d have a little lark. Hope you were a good
deal frightened ? ”

Speech on introducing Seats Bill the most remarkable of loner series ;
only took fifty minutes ; didn’t contain single quotation from Classics ;
wound up without peroration ; and only once interrupted by Warton.

House did not cheer much. Why should it ? At least two hun-
dred Members present learned that they were politically homeless.
Sad group at the Bar after conclusion of speech.

“ Well, your Eye’s wiped out, at any rate,” said Francis Buxton
to Ashmead-Bartlett.

“And you ’ll have to ’Andover your seat,” said Lord Edmond
Fitzmaurice.

“ Anyhow, you Calne’t stay where you are,” said Sir Thomas
Bateson.

“ Ha, ha! And you ’ll have to Devize some fresh way of getting
into the House of Commons,” said James Cropper.

“ You’d better not say anything, for you ’ll come a Cropper when
your Kendal’s blown out,” said Christie.

“ All right, old Minstrel, but you ’ll Lewes your seat, too,” said
H ARRIS.

“ I do hope, Harris—how’s Mrs. H. to-day?—you didn’t put
your little all in the Poole,” said Monty Guest.

“ We shall miss you, Monty,” Lord Randolph struck in. “ You

not only knew where to get good clothes, but how to Ware ’em. As for
me, I looked ahead ; and knowing that my borough never more Wood-
stock this House with a Member, went to Birmingham. Meantime,
I ’m off to India.” Business done.—Redistribution Bill brought in,

Tuesday.—British Wavy, it is well known, is in desperate plight.
As poor old Ward Hunt, once dropping into poetry, declared, “ We
have paper guns, and a phantom fleet.” Portugal could blow our
ships out of the water at will, whilst the Swiss Navy might, without
let or hindrance, scour the Channel, sail up the Thames, and put the
whole population en pension at ten francs a day per head, wine extra.

In these melancholy circumstances, rather expected to see House
crowded to-night, when statement promised from Secretarv to
Admiralty came on. On contrary, Benches nearly empty. That
First-class Iron-clad, W. H. Smith, at its moorings; that Torpedo
Ram, Good Gorst! at anchor; and that Belted Cruiser (belt drawn
very tight, to display slimness of waist), Henry Lennox, with steam
fully up. But, for the rest, chiefly empty Benches.

Brassey’s oratorical style a little peculiar ; sometimes reminiscent
of young Curate reading the first lesson ; at others, brings to mind
the stage Masher.

“The creation of a—er—Torpedo Flotillah,” says Sir Thomas,
holding on with both hands to box, on which alarming collection of
manuscript displayed, “being a—er—new—er—necessity, and deem-
ing- it to be the dooty of the—er—Government to avail—er—them-
selves of an opportunity of a very—er—unusual character afforded
by the—er—condition of the Shipping Trade, the Government—er—
propose, in short, to—er—put out to contract an immediate—er—
order.” This style very edifying. Kind of threw an air of good
society over proceedings.

Brassey rather disconcerted by the erratic movements of Henry
Lennox during this speech. Noble Lord constantly cruising over
limited ground, but invariably tacking into lobby, coming back with
steam up to take seat on Front Bench. W. H. Smith greatly con-
cerned, in constant apprehension of collision.

“ Avast there! ” he cried once, the Cruiser returning, after excep-
tionally brief voyage. “ Show a light as you come along, or I ’ll run
into you.” Belted Cruiser signalling feeble smile, dropped anchor
once more on Front Opposition Bench.

“Fact is, Toby,” said Lennox, “I’m waiting for an audience.
Got up splendid speech : take one an hour to read it. Can’t throw it
away on fifteen fellows everyone in a hurry for his own turn. If
vou see anyone about just mention I’m going to speak. They’d
like to come in.” At Eleven o’Clock House still nearly empty, and no
signs of filling. “ They can’t know,” said Lennox, with a sigh, “ or
there’d sure to be a rush. Must let ’em have it now or never.”

So hauling in a reef in his belt, and turning-up his trousers another