Punch (90.1886)

12 PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAPJVAKI. [Wary 2, isse.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

No. X.—From tiie Mahkiss.

Hatfield, Holiday.

Dear Toby,

I "white primarily to wish you
a Happy New Year, but take the oppor-
tunity to lay "before you my position,
and to ask your advice upon it. It is,
truly, one of great difficult;-. If the
result of the General Election had been
such as to give Gl-dst-ne a small
majority, over us, and the Parncllitcs
—say, not to put too fine a point upon
it, five—it would have been well. We
would then have been masters of the
situation—that is, of course, if we could
have kept P-r-X-ll and his merry men
straight. It is true there were not ten
righteous men in Sodom, but in the
Gomorrah of the Liberal Party there
would surely have been found ten, or,
peradventure, a score of Moderate Libe-
rals who would, upon occasion, help
us to save the State—that is to say, to turn out Gl-dst-ne, and bring us in.

If the result had been to give us a substantial majority, it would have been
better. As it is, it is nothing but desolation and despair. Counting the Par-
nellites true to us, we are in the ridiculous position of being six of one, and half-
a-dozen of the other. Just half and half! Think of that, dear Toby, for a
man who has to carry on the Queen's Government. Six hundred and seventy
Members of the House of Commons, and every individual man carrying in the
palm of his hand the fate of the Government. J-s-rn G-ll-s poising himself
at the Bar with thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat, could upon a pollcd-
out division, say whether we should live or die. We shall be a sort of Mahomet's-
Coffin-Government, hung 'twixt heaven and earth, and not sure at what
moment, at the caprice of what individual, we may not be dashed to the ground.

These are reflections, Toby, which dim the radiancy of the New Year. It is
mockery to wish a Happy New Year to a Minister thus situated. The question
is, What am I to do ? There are, I suppose, three courses open to me. Let us
see what they are. In the first place, I might resign, and let Gl-dst-ne come
in to deal with this tangled skein. You know me well enough to believe that
this is a course I am quite ready to take. I did not want to come in, and I am
quite ready to go out. I am happier in opposition than in office. I am not then
so hampered by stubborn facts, can use more strong language, and can with fuller
freedom and effect make Gr-nv-lle sit up. But there are other people to he
considered. There are Priests who want Bishoprics, Lawyers who yearn after
Judgeships, Viscounts who hanker after Earldoms, Marquises who desire Duke-
doms, my colleagues who want to stop in office, and behind thorn all good Con-
servatives in the House of Commons, who are ready to fill up vacancies.
H-rc-ivr has done an enormous damage by bis declaration that we shall never
be in office again. Of course, it isn't true, but it has frightened fellows, and
the mere talk of resignation brings, what the late Mr. O'C-nn-ll might have
called, a beastly buzzing about my ears. It is clear that I must hold on as
long as finger-nails stand fast.

The second course, is to draw closer the alliance with P-rn-ll, bring in a
bold scheme of Home Rule, and dish the Liberals, as once the Whigs were dished.
That, I confess, is what I would do, if I dare, and so would R-nd-lpti. But
dare I ? Could I ? I think not. First of all, P-rn-ll is not to be trusted. He
would take all I could, after infinite labour, induce our people to give him, and
that secured, would immediately ask for more; and I could not give him anything
like what would pacify him. D-sr-ei might, but there was only one D-sn-li,
and by his personal influence I cannot now profit. All the venomous Orangemen,

all the thick-headed Noodles of our Party (this is private
and confidential) who cannot see beyond the length of their
nose, would revolt, and we should be stabbed in the back.

The third course is, after all, the easiest and the safest.
I dare not resign; I cannot carry Home Rule ; but to beg
I am not ashamed. I will beg the assistance of the
Moderate Liberals, and, together with the Noodles afore-
said, we will resist P-rn-el and all his works. The
probabilities are that thereupon Gl-dst-ne win come to
the front, will run up the Home-Rule flag, and then we
will go to the country with the cry, "the Empire in
danger!"

As I think of this, my spirits _ are uplifted. The very
act of writing to you, my friend and counsellor, has
cleared away the mists of depression that weighed upon
me when I sat down. You will doubtless have seen the
announcement that I was about to publish an Essay on
" Multitubular Molecules." It shall be withdrawn. It
came about in this way. Immediately after the tide
turned in the Counties, I received a letter from J-m-s
Kn-wl-s asking mo to write an Article for the " Nine-
teenth Century." I knew what that meant. As soon as
ever Gl-dst-ne is tottering to a fall, Kn-wl-s writes to
him for Articles in his Magazine. I was disappointed,
and in low spirits, accepted the omen, and began the
Essay. But, like the window in Aladdin's tower, it un-
finished shall remain. I wiU go in for the Moderate
Liberals, and my young men shall keep their offices, and
continue to draw their salaries. With more heart I renew
the wish for a Happy New Year,

And remain, yours truly, S-l-sb-ey.

Toby,.M.P., The Kennel, Barks.

PUTTING IT OFF.

Tiie continued delay of AriMEn Moukhtar Pasbta, the
Turkish Commissioner, to start for Egypt, has at length
produced a protest from Sir William White, to which
the following excuses have been promptly rejoined. The
Commissioner, who, however, has at last started, urged
that he has had to delay his departure—

Because he had been waiting for his dress-coat to come
home from his tailor's.

Because he is such a bad sailor that he hadn't liked to
start tiR the wind changed.

Because he has been taking a few finishing lessons in
Egyptian, on the Ollendorff system, to enable him to un-
derstand the Khedive when he gets there.

Because he wanted to have just one more confidential
chat with Sir William Wtiite before he starts.

Because he had made all arrangements to leave next
Tuesday.

Because ho really did not know how Mr. Gladstone
would take it.

Because he was not aware that there was any particular
hurry.

Because ho thought Lord Salisbury might possibly
have something further to say to him.

Because the Treasury had not yet provided him with his
travelling expenses or even paid his fare.

Because he had been detained to take a hand at cribbage
with the Sextan.

And lastly, because if ho had really thought Sir Wil-
liam White was in earnest about the matter, he would
have seen to its being practically set on foot, and have
gone on board before.

"A Penny for Your Thoughts."

[The; complete worts of the Poet Laureate arc to be published
at New York, in penny numbers.]

" I lisped in numbers for the numbers came,"
Sang Pope. The Muse's spirit never slumbers.

Lord Tennyson can boast (almost) the same:
" I sing in (penny) numbers ! "

_ A Case for ARBrrRATioN.—Homo Rule. As a ques-
tion about breaking up the British Empire, refer it to
the "Honest Broker." Everybody knows who that is,
and if ho would be kind enough to accept the reference,
all parties might be recommended to abide the decision
of Prince BlSMARCK.

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