Punch (90.1886)

Maech 27, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145

OBLIGING.

' You 're not Skating, Miss Lightfoot !"
'no. i forgot to bring my skates."
' Oh, really ! Let me lend you mine !"

THE SHOP HOTJES REGULATION BILL.

Dear Me. Punch,—Mr. Biggae once took exception to a certain Bill, on the
ground that it was " much too narrer in its scope," but the compass of the Shop
Hours Regulation Bill will satisfy even his large ideas, for the sphere it embraces
would affect wholesale as well as retail establishments. As a member of a
large wholesale firm in the City, I venture to address you, with the hopo of show-
ing that no legislation is required, for regulating the hours of labour in such houses
as ours, and there are many similar ones in the Metropolis.

Our hours of business are regulated by the amount of daylight, speaking
generally, from 10 to 4 in the winter, and 9 to 6 in the summer, for we never
use gas in the shop, it is so expensive and dirty and spoils the goods, consequently
on foggy days our employes have nothing to do, and are at liberty to amuse them-
selves m any way they choose. In addition to these impromptu holidays, which,
owing to the exigences of our peculiar climate, are pretty frequent, they have all
the recognised Bank Holidays, Boat-Race Day, Harrow and Eton Cricket-match
Days, and Derby Day. This last holiday was an innovation introduced by the
present senior member of the firm, who once ran second in a race at Hampton,
^th a horse called Brother to Beelzebub, which he acquired in part-payment
of a bad debt, and he has naturally taken a great interest in racing ever since.
Ao employe is required to attend on his birthday, or, if married, on his wedding
day, or the anniversary of Jumbo's death. I may mention, that we are in the
ivory trade, and this is a tribute of respect paid to the largest personal producer
ot our goods_ known to modern times. The suggestion of thus keeping: the date
ever green iii our recollections was made by the office-boy, a mere lad, but full
of fine feeling. I think, therefore, you will agree with me, Sir, that we are
not unnecessarily harsh in the matter of holidays.

^ A Club is established on our premises where the young men can dine either
a la carte or at a prix fixe. Mustard is supplied gratis. We lose by that. There
!s a "'JI.ary weU furnished with books (we are now adding Sir John Lubbock's
100, and have quite lately secured a copy of the editio princcps of Happy Thoughts
m tine condition), games of draughts, dominoes, spilikins, fox-and-goose, and a
b-erman game called " Spielteufel," which no one has vet mastered, although
there is a code of rules m seventeen languages pasted inside the box. Our Corre-
spondence Clerk, who knows a little French, says he thinks it has something to do
with Bismaeck and another man, whom he calls Reichstag.

In case of illness, the young men are at once transferred to the private hospital

attached to our place of business, and attended, at our
expense, by the firm's medical man, a young practitioner
who has completely emancipated himself from the pre-
judices of the old school, and will treat the invalid
allopathically, antipathically, homceopathically, hydro-
patnically or electropathically as he may prefer.

Every employe must wear goloshes in wet weather; the
infraction of this rule is attended with instant dismissal.

Not wishing to trespass any further on your ! valuable
space, I trust I have made it clear that if legislation is
desirable for regulating the hours of labour iox factory
hands and those employed in retail trades, it is entirely a
work of supererogation for establishments like that re-
presented by Yours truly, Benjamin Dent.

{Dent, Tusker Sf Sent, Long Acre.)

MUSICAL CRITICISM "AS SHE IS WROTE."

Unber the auspices of the London Harmonic Union
(of which His Serene Highness Prince Pumpernickel,
of Potstausend, is President) a very fine selection of
Music was performed last night at St. James's Hall
before an overflowing house. Long before the Conductor,
Herr Armeteufel, had taken his stand upon the
rostrum, every seat had been appropriated; and while
Amateurs naturally mustered in strong force, the profes-
sional element was very strongly represented in the audi-
torium, as well as upon the chairs which, to meet the
unprecedented demand, had been arranged behind the
orchestra. The Concert opened with Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony. This colossal work is doubtless the finest of
the master's earlier Symphonies—excepting, of course,
the tenth and eleventh—and is too well known to re-
quire any detailed analysis at the present day. Suffice
it to say that the splendid band worked to perfection in
the familiar strains under the rhythmical beat of Herr
Aemeteupel's baton.

NaturaUy the greatest interest oentered round the pro-
duction of Mr. John Smith's new "Tone Poem,"
entitled The Maid of All Work. This, the only novelty
included in the scheme of this season's prospectus, was
bound to attract the cognoscenti, and indeed all those who
have the welfare of National music at heart. Mr.
Smith is stated to have derived his inspiration from an
incident occurring in his own household. Be this as it
may, the subject is evidently of an intensely romantic
nature, and the Composer, in dealing with it, has had
the good sense to divide it into distinct movements, with
an appreciable break between each. The musicians are
thus enabled to snatch a few moments'_ breathing time
about every forty minutes—a notable improvement on
the old plan.

On a first hearing it is almost impossible, and it might
be also indiscreet, to attempt to enter into a minute
criticism of the Maid of All Work. It will be sufficient
to record the favourable impression produced by the
pizzicato of trombones in the adagio, combined with the
ingenious contrapuntal facility involved in the introduc-
tion of a syncopated figure in triple time upon muted
flutes and oboi. The rendering by the instrumentalists
was more than adequate ; but of the work as a whole it
is undesirable to speak with authority until we have
been able to ascertain in which direction the consensus
of the Critics will go. In the meantime we shall suspend
our judgment.*

* We wanted an independent criticism, and we've got it.
Only if he suspends his judgment again, we '11 suspend him.
—Ed. =^=^=-

"What does it Mean ?—It is not often that the Athe-
nceum indulges in a sensational Advertisement, but in the
current Number there is a real awakener. Here it is:—

REVIEWERS BAFFLED ; Professors collapsed ; School-
masters in a fog; Society nonplussed; Truth boycotted ; and
the world no wiser than it was 300 years ago. The Earth is called a
globe, while £500 are offered in vainforone single fact to support it.

Everybody seems to be demolished. What does Mr.
Labouchere say to Truth being boycotted ? What does
Mr. Edmund Yates think of the Wot Id being no wiser
than it was 300 years ago ? We do not believe in the Earth
being supported by one single fact, and certainly should
not be likely to give £500 for that fact. In these hard times
the Earth has to support itself! Yah!

VOL. XC.

O