Punch (90.1886)

May 8, 1886.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217

''ET TU, BRIGHTE!

PUNCH TO THE NEW AUSTRALIAN ELEVEN.

Note good bowlers and ten good bats,

Eleven fielders all active as eats,

Game everyone to catch anything catchable,

Two wicket-keepers both simply unmatehable!—

That is a team that should give us some trouble,

And keep all our cricketing cracks at the double.

Our home willow-wielders must play up like bricks

To collar that bowling, to tumble those sticks.

Well, welcome, boys, anyhow! _ You '11 pull together.

Here 's wishing you fortune, fair field, and fine weather.

We 're looking for many a score-piling day,

And win, lose, or tie, not one wrangle ! Hooray !

Wkit in" Eeeoe.—The Parisian Art-Reviewist of the
Times, in his notice of the Salon last Friday, described
as " telling and lifelike " a picture called " Pain Benit,"
representing, he wrote, " a chorister-boy in a red surplice,
distributing the consecrated water, &c." So lifelike!
Firstly, no such vestment as "a red surplice" was ever
seen. Secondly, because the pain benit, which is being
distributed, even when translated by a Times Art-Critic,
does not mean " consecrated water," but " blessed bread."
If "water " was a misprint for " wafer," his error is still
worse, and exhibits the scribe's ignorance of the subject,
the illustration of which he so jauntily describes as
1' lifelike." For two good mistakes, in two lines, on mat-
ters of fact, a Champion Blunderer would have some
difficulty in beating him, whoever he is. There are other
j queer things in the same article. Is he a Wag ?

BEMEDIES A LA BOOSE

FOE THE WEAK AND TEAR OF LONDON LIFE.

" Life is not a bed of Roose's."

Motto adapted by Fortnightly Meviewist.

Rule 1.—If, after some experience, you find that pork chops and
stout, taken the last thing before going to bed, disagree with you,
do not continue the custom. Do not leave it off all at once, but say a
chop at a time, and a proportionate amount less of stout.

Rule 2.—When you feel you must sleep, do not resist the impulse,
which is the prompting of Nature. Nature is a tender mother; and
sleep is her own old nurse._ Sleep, therefore, whenever you "feel
like it." This compliance with Nature's demand may occasionally
interfere with business. No matter-
Dors, mon enfant, dors!
Et snore, mon enfant, snore!

Nature shows you the " dors." Out you go—from active life for a
time—then up you wake again fresh as a herring.

Rule 3.—The best time for the best work is the early morning. Rise
at 4-30 and feel that you are indeed "before the public"—for you
are awake before the public think of getti tig up. It is easy to dust your
own study, clean your own boots, brush your own clothes, and make
your own tea, coffee, or cocoa, and boil your own eggs. This will
save a servant: and you can pocket the wages and put them in a
savings-bank. Early rising necessitates early bedding: so to rise at
4-30, means 8'30 p.m. for bed-time, sharp. In adopting this rule you
will have to consider the present customs of London Society, and
sacrifice them to yourself or yourself to them. Personally speaking,
as a Doctor, I can only say la sante avant tout. Let your rule be 4-30
to rise. Bed at 8'30 sharp. If you do this, you will soon discover
that 8 or 8'30 is not the most convenient dinner hour. And the only
exceptions may be once in six weeks, when you invite professional
men to dine with you (Doctors for example), for which you can
specially prepare by taking two hours' repose before eight o'clock
dinner, and deferring bed-time till half-past eleven.

Rule 4.—Take plenty of exercise. If you like walking, walk. If
you dine in the middle of the day, you can start early and walk into
dinner. If riding suits you, ride. If you can't take plenty of exer-
cise, go without it,—but go. It comes to pretty much the same—in
the end.

Rule 5.—As to drinking and eating: if you find red wines dis-
agree with you, don't take 'em: the same rule applies to white and
sparkling. Try everything in the way of food. When the right
thing is found, make a note of it, like Captain Cuttle. Such dishes,
so noted, you can call a series of " Cuttle-its." If you find sixteen
courses at dinner not enough, increase them by any number you
fancy; or if too much, lessen them.

Rule 6.—Coffee, bra,ndy-and-soda, and liqueurs at all hours of
the day are only absolutely necessary in certain cases. If your own is
one of those cases, take them all: if not, don[t. I do not recommend
alcoholic drinks to anyone to whom they are inexpressibly repugnant

or distasteful: in these instances the less alcoholic stimulant they
take the better for other people who like such drinks.

Rule 7.—Meat five times a day does not suit most persons. If it
does not suit you in particular, leave it off. Same rule applies to fish.

Rule 8.—When you get wet through, it is not advisable to sit in
your things before the kitchen fire till you are dry. More indigestion
is caused by this thoughtless process than most people are aware of.

Rule 9.—Smoke moderately. If this doesn't agree with you,
smoke immoderately. The first thing in the morning is the best
time for a strong cigar or pipe, in bed or immediately on rising from
it: smoke while dressing, and in your bath, as this latter habit pre-
vents a chill. If this system doesn't suit you, after giving it a fair
trial, don't persevere in it. There are more cases of nervous fibre
exhaustion arising from perseverance in what we don't like than most
people are inclined to suspect.

Rule 10.—Unwashed salads, uncooked vegetables, and unripe
fruit can be taken with impunity. Nature herself will tell you when
to leave off. In mixing salads, use plenty of strong vinegar made of
old beer. If oil is used, let it be L'huile du Cabillaud, or, in default
of this, L'huile de la Roulette. Perhaps the last is the best of all for
salad-making. Walnuts, or if you can't get these a pound or two of
the best Kent cob-nuts, are the best things for breakfast. Tou can
vary them with barcelonas occasionally. Always drink pure cocoa-
nut milk; but dilute it with a little hot-water, say about a table-
spoonful to half a tumbler. The cocoa-nut is a far better friend to
human nature than the cow.

Rule 11.—Avoid all draughts, hot rooms, crowded salons, theatres,
concert-halls, picture-galleries, ball-rooms, and all out-of-door enter-
tainments such as firework fetes at Crystal Palace, lawn-tennis
parties, garden-parties, walking or riding or driving in the Park
and debates in the House of Commons, &c. All these are fatal.

Rule 12.—Be careful to change your clothing with the variations of
temperature. Send out some one, whom you can trust, to see and feel
what sort of a day it is, and dress accordingly.

Rule the Last.—Carefully shun doing anything you don't like
and avoid bothering yourself about anything or anybody. Thus you.
will escape the effects of the wear and tear of London Life.

_(Signed) Roose rsr Uebe.

THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET.
A distinguished sueoess. Speeches shorter, and necessarily better
The President peculiarly happy in his allusions to Russell Lowell
and Robeet Beownin-g, and m his touching reference to poor Ran
dolphCaldecott. Among the guests, Lord Rosebeet's speech "took
the cake," with which, a Scotch one short" and sweet Mr Punch
will present his Lordship on the first opportunity. The dinner for the
Limners came from Limmee's ; good; but when the little birds were
m due course set before a certain Illustrious Personage—
Exclaimed Prince Albert Victor of Wales,
Jales Quales !" id est " Such Quails! "
Which wasn't bad for the one among the party who had most recently
left school—to come to the Academy.

vol. xc.

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