Punch (90.1886)

March 6, 1886.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVAKI. 109

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

CONCERNING A SHILLING RETAINER.

" A Telegram, Sir," said my Clerk, Portington, intercepting me
as I walked from Fleet Street to the Thames Embankment. "It
has been in Chambers since three o'clock, and I wasn't quite sure
whether I ought to take it to the Club or Burmah Gardens."

" The Club, as a role, is preferable," I replied. "Matters of a
purely business character—you understand, Pobtington, purely
business character—I do not care to go to my private address."

Upon this I opened the Telegram, and found it was from the lady
who, many years ago, did me the honour of accepting my heart, my
wig, and my bands. Josephina—who always likes to be explicit—
had' contrived to give me the desired information with a noble
disregard to the Post-office regulations relative to the twelve-words-
inclusive-of-address-limit, which filled me with respect. Her
despatch ran as follows :—

To A. Briefless, Esquire, Junior.
12, Pump-Handle Court, Temple, E.C., London.

Cook—as Nurse is out with the children—is taking this to the
Post-office to ash you to come home at once. I want to see you at
once, so please come home as soon as you can. Cook is sending the
same Telegram as this Telegram to you, at the Club, so that if you
are not there, you may get it at the Chambers, if you are there, and
not at the Club.

Reflecting that the Telegrams (which were signed by my wife
with all her Christian names and full address) must have cost about
five shilling's a-piece, I hurried from ^ my Chambers, dashed into
a hansom, and was soon at Burmah Gardens. On my arrival a
number of youthful heads looking out of the nursery windows joy-
fully disappeared, to reappear again almost immediately in the hall,
whence Iwas escorted in triumph to the drawing-room to the
presence of my wife. The children then retired, feeling, no doubt
(poor little things !) that the scene about to follow would be too
painful for them to witness. My wife was greatly agitated.

"He came in," she said, "and gave me this. We thought he
was your brother Harry, and so called to him, over the banisters, to
walk up and have some tea, as I didn't know whether our new
parlour-maid had ever seen him, and so he came in hero, and gave
me that."

I comforted my wife, as well as I could, and looked at the docu-
ment. It was a subpeena, calling upon me to attend a trial, in which
Mi\ Geegoey Thundee, the plaintiff, was to appear in person.
I frankly confess that my heart began to beat faster. The name of
Geegoey Thottdee was perfectly weU-khown to me as a most
persistent and successful litigant, who had a way, however, with him,

of making his witnesses in one trial, the defendants in the next.
What had I done to attract the attention of Mr. Geegoey Thunder ?

"Not that he wasn't all right, when I and the children grew
accustomed to him," said my wife, wiping her eyes. "But he
frightened me, for the moment, as you see, I thought he was Haeet.
And yet he was most civil, and put a shilling on the mantel-
piece, which he said was for you. I don't know why he should give
you a shilling, but of course it was kindly meant."

I frankly confess that the next few days I spent very, very
dismally. I had no wish to be mixed up with Mr. Geegoey
Thundee's disputes. This wonderful man was most energetic, but
like other clever people, very liable to take offence. I ascertained
that the action in which I had been called as a witness was one for
slander, connected with a new invention, of which he was the patentee.
Beyond this I knew nothing, save that it was the general opinion of
my friends that I had better not approach him to ask him what he
wanted from me (as I would willingly have done), as he might mis-
understand me; and a "misunderstanding" with Mr. Geegoey
Thunder opened out a vista of almost endless litigation.

The day for trying the cause at length arrived, and I, imitating
the example of many other unfortunate witnesses, seated myself in a
back pew in one of the numerous courts attached to the Queen's
Bench Division. The apartment was thronged, as it was rumoured
abroad that Mr. Gregory Thunder, in his zeal to vindicate the fair
fame of his patent, had subpoenaed half London. The proceedings
commenced, but I heeded them not, as I was employing myself m
making, what is called by the adherents of the Church of Rome,
"anexamination of conscience." I knew that Mr. Gregory Thun-
der rarely asked any one to give testimony on his behalf without
treating the testifier as a hostile witness. Most anxious not to
commit perjury, I consequently worried myself trying to remember
whether if at any time in my life I had threatened, in a momentary
fit of irritation (of course without any real intention of carrying the
threat into force) to poison my maiden aunt, and endeavoured to decide
whether I should Be justified m asserting that I had never been
guilty of house-breaking, in the face of the fact that I had once in
my schooldays abstracted an apple from a shed adjacent to my
dormitory after nine o'clock. While I was considering these (to me)
very weighty matters, my name was called, and I found myself,
somehow or other, standing in the witness-box. While I was being
sworn, Mr. Gregory Thunder glared at me with an expression
of triumphant sternness, suggesting that he considered me his
bitterest enemy, bound hand and foot for his delectation.

"Now, Sir, be oareful," he said, shaking his forefinger at me,
" and remember that you are on your oath."

I replied, as haughtily as I could, that I was aware of the fact.
Still, the reminder caused my recollections of the possible threat
about poisoning my maiden aunt, and the admitted abduction of the
stolen school apple, to become intensely and painfully distinct.

" Now, Sir, were you ever in the Thames Tunnel ? "

I was so completely taken aback at this totally unexpected ques-
tion, that I could not answer. I hesitated, stammered, and for a
moment could, for the life of me, make no reply.

"Yes or no, Sir—were you ever in the Thames Tunnel ? " repeated
Mr. Gregory Thunder, indignantly.

The Counsel for the Company looked at me half compassionately,
as a right-minded Roman Heathen might have regarded an early
Christian Martyr being led away, condemned, to the arena. The
presiding Judge filled his pen with ink, sternly, and made ready to
take down an answer, which, from a legal point of view, might entail
the most disastrous consequences. Suddenly a light broke in upon
me. With a rush, like a flood of silvery sunshine, or the music of
angel voices, came the recollection that, as a matter of fact, I never
had been in the Thames Tunnel—never in my life—I said so.

" Then," replied Mr. Gregory Thundee, perfectly self-possessed,
and as if the remark he was about to make was the most natural
thing in the world, "it must have been some other man!" And he
sat down.

After a feeble protest on the .part of the Judge, and the Counsel
for the Company, " about the time of the Court being wasted," the
incident being accepted as part and parcel of a " case conducted in
person," came to an end.

I was free! I hastened home! The reaction from doubt to oer-
tainty was painful to the last degree. For weeks this examination
had been causing me unspeakable discomfort. A highly nervous
man, the fact that I was going into the witness-box to be questioned
about I knew not what, had filled me with vague and ungrounded,
but, nevertheless, torturing! apprehensions. The door was opened
for me by my eldest son, a boy rising nine.

"Papa, dear," said my first-born, holding up his face to be kissed,
"will you give me that shilling p "

"What shilling, my little manP "

" The shilling: you got from that gentleman. You know, Papa,
darling—the shilling' with the subpoena, that Mamma said cost you
nothing."

Cost me nothing!!! A. Beiefless, JunIoe.

vol. xc.

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