Punch (90.1886)

March 20, 1886.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

133

TRICKS ON TRAVELLERS.

I see constantly advertised that, between Calais and Nice, to carry
the voyageurs by the 10-35 train from Victoria, L. C. & D. (such a

convenient honr! sso getting
up very early), there will be
provided "A luxurious Bogie
carriage." I don't believe in
ghosts, but I'm hanged if I
should like to travel m a car-
riage with a luxurious Bogie,
or m a luxurious carriage with
a Bogie, or in fact any sort of
carnage reserved for Bogies.

If this meets the eye of Mr.
J. Staat Foebes, Chairman, I
hope he '11 make arrangements
with the French Authorities to
have these Bogies regularly ex-
orcised—mind, exorcised, not
exercised—every morning.
Tours tremblingly,
A Night in a "Bogie " Carriage. " Dun Ceambo Ceambo."

MR. PUNCH'S METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS.

(Projected with a special view to the Comfort and Recreation of Pedestrians,
Equestrians, and Her Majesty's Peaceable and Loyal Londoners.)

The Parks.—That the sunk fence between Hyde Park and Ken-
sington Gardens be filled up, and a clear ride be made right up to
the old Kensington Palace. , ., .

That two rides be cut intersecting the above-projected ride m a
North-Westerly and. a North-Easterly direction, and leading from
Hyde Park Gate to Bayswater.

That two or three lesser rides be made through Hyde Park, and in
Kensington Gardens, similar to the sentiers in the Bois de Boulogne.

That in Regent's Park rides be made in all directions; that at
least two new gates be made on the North side.

That tan be laid down at the side of the ordinary roads in Regent's
Park inner and outer circle for the convenience of equestrians. And
this also in Hyde Park, right round, as it is in summer.

That the Police at the N. W. passage of Oxford Street, between the
Marble Arch and Cumberland Gate be strictly charged to be as much
on the alert to stop busses and carts, and so to keep a way clear for
equestrians, as are the Police at the S.W. passage between Albert
Gate and Lowndes Square.

A scheme, involving compensation for disturbance, should be set on
foot—though this, evidently, does not directly concern equestrians,—
for doing away with all private residences within Regent's Park
itself, and constructing a Public Summer and Winter Garden on a
French and German model, with Restaurations open for luncheons,
dinners, and suppers, a theatre, a circus, lawn tennis grounds,
tennis court, boating by day, and by night fireworks on the orna-
mental water. Such an establishment is a real want, and Regent's
Park, being at once well within reach, and yet so far removed as to
offer no obstruction to traffic, is the very place for the purpose.

Parks and Streets.—All Processions, not being State Pageants, should
be prohibited. All bodies of persons marching about with and playing,
or attempting to play, musical instruments, should be prohibited. Fine
and imprisonment should be the punishment for breaking these laws.

Quiet Streets.—Mi. organ-grinders and so-called street-musicians
should not be permitted to come within a radius of ten miles of
Charing Cross on pain of imprisonment, fine, and, for a third offence,
penal servitude for not less than seven years.

Meetings.—Public spaces, at least four miles out of London, to be
set apart for open-air meetings, if required, and that only such spaces
shall be used for such purposes.

Paris.—The London Parks shall be only used by the Public for the
purposes of recreation and enjoyment, and not for political meetings,
haranguing, preachings, and suchlike nuisances, which render Sun-
day a day of turbulence and unrest, and prevent quiet, peaceable
people, who are at work all the week, from enjoying the fresh air on
their only holiday. {By Order)

OTJB BOOKING-OFFICE.

We own to being among those unfortunate people who are blind to
the merits of a great deal that De Ouincey wrote, specially the Confes-
sions of an Opium Eater. It has^ been republished in that most
useful series, Morley's Universal Library, and is bound up with an
Essay on Shakspeabe and one on Goethe, by the same author.
In Murder Considered as one of the Fine Arts, the Mail Coach,
Secret Societies, and some half-dozen others, and also in his Recol-
lections of the Lakes, he is at his best. He was a scholarly and a
polished essayist, but, if we are not mistaken, his works are caviare
to the general; and to the majority he is little more than a name.
Our old friend Mrs. Ram had heard of him, but thought that his
name was De Q,utkset, and that he was a throat-doctor. The
present republication will enable those who have not yet tasted this
opium dose to decide whether they think it a taste worth cultivating.
Of course, it can be taken in very small quantities the last thing at
night, when it will probably induce sleep.

In a Silver Sea, a romance in three volumes, by Mr. B. L. Faejeon
—published by Ward and Downey—and a very downy pair to give
such a book to the public. It will bother and perplex readers, but
those who commence it will become more and more interested, be
unable to put it down until they've finished the third volume, and
then will breathe again, and be inclined to wonder how on earth
it was they have been so spell-bound. For it is a quaint, weird,
thrilling, mysterious, nightmarish work, like a screen of fantastic
scraps put together with some sort of mysterious purpose, riveting
attention, and exciting curiosity. Occasionally the jerky dialogue
recalls Vioioe Hugo's style, specially in L'Homme qui Hit. In a
Silver Sea may be classed with Treasure Island, In a Glass Darkly,
Uncle Silas, King Solomon's Mines, and books of that sort, which I
am inclined to call "The Fat Boy Series"; for they all have one
object in common with that of the Fat Boy when he told Mrs. War die
that he wanted " to make her flesh creep." The creeperest creepers
have been Mr. Le Fant/'s. But Mr. Pabteon has run him very
near, and thrown in a touch of Hugoesque dialogue into the bargain.

WELL WORTH NOTING.

Crowned with a Filet-de-Bceut. — The Reverend Fbeeman
Wills, Vicar of St. Agatha, Shoreditch, having already a cure of
soles, has turned butcher and meat-salesman, and so his time must
be pretty well occupied. His is the laudable object—(what would
Archbishop Laud have thought of it ?)—of soiling the best meat,
foreign and English, at the lowest possible prices. His success so far
seems considerable, as he has been able to pay a five per cent, dividend
to friends who have advanced him the working capital. Let him
become a greengrocer as well, set up a shop in Smithfield, and hang
out the sign of " The Steak and Two Martyrs."

voi. xc.

Read the article in the Westminster Review, on " Grattan and
the Irish Parliament," and do not skip the footnote to the paragraph
relating to the foundation of Orangeism in 1795. But there is one
pleasant incident which may, perhaps, be recommended as a precedent
to the future Irish Legislators, which is that Geattan received from
the Parliament, in recognition of his splendid services, a grant of
£50,000. Of course he deserved it, so may Mr. Pabnell, and we
wish he may get it. Another article we recommend is to be found
in the number of the Spectator for February 27. It is a review of
the Life of Father Burke, O.P. Though a thorough-going Nation-
alist, there was nothing Dantonesque about him; no "sombre
acquiescence" in murders and outrages: he, at least, was no party
to any " conspiracy of silence." Father Tom Bueke was not to be
burked nor even gagged, even when he himself received a threatening
letter. He seems to have a worthy successor in Rev. J. O'Leaey,
P.P. of Ballymacelligott (what a name!), County Kerry, who, as
reported in the Daily Neivs of Thursday last, gave it hot to the
"misguided wretches" who "had not their country's welfare at
heart," but went about collecting money for arms. Why do not the
Irish Ecclesiastics, as a body, speak out in this tone ? Such remarks
as those recently made in the Times by the "Knight of Glin "
would then be impossible.

The School fob Speech-making.— As an assembly in which new^
comers very shortly find their level, the House of Commons has been
happily likened to " a great public school." Yes. Especially a school
which still upholds the system of fagging. The Fags, distinctly so
denominated, maybe considered to be formed of the honourable
Gentlemen appointed to serve on Committees. The Rod—Black Rod
—is in pickle in another plaoe. Attention to work anion" the
" Commoners," however, is enforced by Whips.

The New Chief Poiice Commissionee—As he distinguished him-
self in South Africa, it might be naturally supposed that Waebvn
would know more about blacking than the blues. No doubt Sir
Chaeles will deal summarily with black mail.

It isn't the Kiss of Peace they give at these Schools of Kisstian
Kissenters, but a kiss a-piece all round. Kismet! but it does sound
rather Harem-scarum.

The Oeiginal "Dean of the Obdee of the Thistle."—The
Vicar of Bray.