Punch (90.1886)

Mat 15, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229

THROUGH THE TELEPHONE.

A Scientific Farce.
ScmrE—The Hall of the Senior Parthenon Club.
Enter Mr. Waxfoed Snooks, hurriedly.
Mr. Waif or d Snooks, {to Hall Porter). Any letters ?
Hall Porter [after leisurely looking through papers taken from a
pigeon-hole). No, Sir.

Mr. Waif or d Snooks {in dismay). Not a letter nor a telegram!
Hall Porter {again searching packet). No, Sir; no letter and no
telegram.

Mr. Walford Snooks [emphatically). Dear me! [Suddenly.) Are
we on the Telephone ? . ,, , „, m, , '

Hall Porter. Yes, Sir ; only it isn't used very^ often. There's the
book of numbers, and you go in there. [He points to a semi-glazed
cupboard.) . ■ .. ,. , ,, ' ,

Mr. Walford Snooks {after hurriedly consulting list). Ah! here
we are. Two million seven hundred and four ! {Pings excitedly by
touching the nob, then shouts through the receiver.) Are you there ?

Indistinct Female Voice {after a long pause). Did you ring?

Mr. Walford Snooks {indignantly). Did I ring ! Why I have
heen—[suddenly finding he is no longer heard, he holds a receiver
to his ear.) By Jove, she has cut me oft! (Violently rings again.)

Indistinct Female Voice {after a longer pause). Did you ring ?

M. Walford Snooks [wary of losing another chance). Two million
seven hundred and four !

Indistinct Female Voice. Two million seventy-four ?

Mr. Walford Snooks {angrily). No; Two million seven hundred
and four!

Indistinct Female Voice. "What ?

Mr. Waiford Snooks {shouting). Two million seven hundred and
four !

Indistinct Female Voice. I can't hear you.

Mr. Walford Snooks. I said-By Jove, I am cut off again!

{Pushes the button-bell viciously.) Oh, I can't stand this!

Indistinct Female Voice [after a pause). Did you ring ?

Mr. Walford Snooks [imploringly). I said Two million seven
hundred and four. Please, Two million seven hundred and four.

Indistinct Female Voice. Well, I will see if I can get you put on.

Mr. Walford Snooks [moved almost to tears). Thank you.

[He waits for ten minutes, and then rings, but in a broken-
spirited fashion.

Indistinct Female Voice {after a pause). Did you ring P

Mr. Walford Snooks {roused once more to fury). Did I ring!

Why, hang it!-There !—she has cut me off again!

[Listens with the receiver.

Harsh Male Voice [suddenly through telephone). Are you there ?

Mr. Walford Snooks [gratefully). Yes ! Are you Charley
Teemlet ?

Harsh Male Voice [as before). What ? I can't hear what you are

S^Mr.' Walford Snooks [slowly). Are you Mis—ter Chaeles
Them_let ?

Harsh Male Voice. Eh? Are you there?

Mr. Walford Snooks. Who are you ?

Harsh Male Voice. Patent Cucumber Company. Two million and
seventy-four. Patent Cucumber Company ? Is it about the spoiled
cocoa-nut consignment ? .

Mr. Walford Snooks [furious). She has put me on the wrong
number, after all! [Shouting through the Telephone.) I don't want
you! It's a mistake. I don't want you!

Harsh Male Voice [mildly). Are you there ? _

Mr. Walford Snooks [indignantly rings bell). Iwo million seven
hundred and four ! Two million seven hundred and four!

Indistinct Female Voice. Did you ring?

Mr. Walford Snooks [boiling over with rage, but keeping his
temper). Two million seven hundred and four! Please—Two million
seven hundred and four ! UIc listens intently.

Mild Male Voice [after a long pause). Are you there ?

Mr. Walford Snooks. Yes. Will you please tell Mr. Teemlet
that I can't get the Stalls for Saturday at the Palais Royal. So
we must go to Paris to-night, and had better dine together at the
Club. Tell him, please, that he had better bring his portmanteau
with him, to save time, and-

Mild Male Voice. Are you there ? I can't hear a word you are
saying, if you are talking.

Mr. Walford Snooks [angrily). It's too bad! Are you there ?

Cheery Voice {suddenly). Yes, I am here—Chaeley Teemlet.

Mr. Walford Snooks (overjoyed). Can you hear me ?

Cheery Voice. Quite distinctly. Well, what is it ?

Mr. Walford Snooks. Well, Ciiabley, I was saying that, I can't
get tickets for the Palais Royal for Saturday.

Cheery Voice. Yes. Keep on talking, or they will cut us off.

Mr. Walford Snooks. Well, I was saying-

Imperious Female Voice. Now then, have you done ?

voi. xb.

Mr. Walford Snooks {imploringly). Don't cut us off. Well, I
was saying that, as I can't get the tickets for the Palais Royal, we
had better-

Imperious Female Voice. Now then—have you done talking ?

Mr. Walford Snooks. No. Please don't cut us off. Well, as I

was saying- {Suddenly becoming conscious that the connection

has been severed.) Hang it all! This is too bad!

[Attacks the bell viciously for five minutes.

Indistinct Female Voice. Did you ring ?_

Mr. Walford Snooks {indignantly). Did I ring? I had better
write what I want to say! (Leaves Box, and motions Messenger to
follow him.) And this is progress!

[Retires angrily into the Smoking-Room to compose his letter.

LAST WOEDS.

The Representatives of the Five Powers to M. Delyannis.
We are in receipt of your reply in answer to our last friendly
communioation, telling us " to mind our own business," asking us a
Thessalian conundrum, and enclosing us a ribald caricature sketch
of our individual selves begging at the door of the Piraeus, and we
herewith acknowledge the same. We must, however, protest that
after our concessions about the first ultimatum, it is not the sort of
tone, at least in a public diplomatic document, we should have
thought it reasonable in you to have adopted. However, we have no
wish to threaten, but we must really beg of you to be reasonable.
Can you not at least let it be given out that you consent to disarm,
and so save us from the very disagreeable duty of taking ulterior
measures. Believe us, it goes very much against our grain to say so
much as this, but as we have got the ships here, you see we must do
something. So, be generous—and meet us half-way. Let us have
a pacific reply. Pray do, for we shall be really greatly obliged
to you.

M. Delyannis to the Representatives of the Five Powers.
Yah! You are a set of nincompoops. Think I am going to
disarm! Not a bit of it. Have just ordered the reserves up to the
front. How do you like that ? As to your " ulterior measures "—
take them when you like. Who cares! Neither Ego nor Rex
Mens. So fire away !

The Representatives of the Five Powers to M. Delyannis.
We are in receipt of your last despatch, but have agreed, out of
consideration for you, to regard it as unread. So we most willingly
give you an additional twenty-four hours in which you can think
the matter over, and endeavour to frame something a little more
friendly in spirit. We must, out of mere respect for the Govern-
ments we represent, point out to you the impropriety of calling us
names. However, we do not wish to press this point, but hope to
hear from you in a conciliatory vein, so that we may not be under
the very painful necessity of having recourse to those ulterior
measures which, believe us, we refer to even now with the greatest
reluctance.

M. Delyannis to the Representatives of the Five Powers.

Call yourselves " Gentlemen," do you ? Why, I wouldn't give half
a drachma for a dozen of you. Who are you to teach me manners, I
should like to know ? As to your threats, take care that I don't
send you all packing on my own account. That's what you ought
to get, and will, if you don t look out.

The Representatives of the Five Powers to M. Delyannis.

The Representatives of the Five Powers present their compli-
ments to M. Delyannis, and beg to inform him that, under all the
circumstances of the case, they have_ come to the conclusion that
they had better anticipate the undesirable necessity of his having
recourse to extreme measures to which he refers, and that they will
therefore temporarily withdraw themselves from the Pirreus. They
trust that, in doing so, they will not be misunderstood, and that
their action will not be taken as any indication of a hostile attitude
to the Greek Government, whose curious antics they will still
continue to watch from a distance both with solicitude and interest.

Lilly-btjleeo 1—Of Mr. W. S. Lilly's two volumes of Chapters in
European History (Chathan and Hall), and of his careful and
opportune article on Liberty and Liberalism, in the Fortnightly, we
shall have something to say later on. For the moment we will observe
to any one inclined to dispute Mr. Lilly's premises or conclusions, that
ho is evidently "a nasty one to tackle"—not a water-Lilly, but a
tiger-Lilly. Beware! We have heard that an eminent Academician
would not undertake his portrait, for this year's show, on the pica,
that he could not paint the Lilly. Was it Sir J. E. M. who said this ?
And was it through the influence of the other Lily (of Jersey), whoso
portrait by Sir Eveeett will be in everybody's recollection, that the
public have been deprived of another great work of Art ? If so, such
jealousy is Lilli-putian.