Punch (90.1886)

228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. [May 8, 1886.

ONE COL. ON'Y OF COLONIES.

By D. Crambo, Jun.

Cape of Good Hope.

There have been a few duels between the Author of
Za France Juive and severe critics of his book. Its
Publisher might advertise it as illustrated with Cuts.
Madame Adam wrote to deny that she was Juive. The
wife of Adam might also have added that there are few
prettier Christian names than Eve.

THE REEL OPENING OF THE GREAT EXHIBISHTJN.

Is course _ I was present perfeshnally at the fust opening of the grand Colo-
nyal and Ingian Exhibition, for whenever certain importent Gents is gathered
together, and. you want to make 'em comferal and good natured, of course you
must give 'em summat nice to eat and summat nice to drink, and so in course
you carnt do without Waiters. Of course I am not eluding to yesterday's
opening, wen heverybody and ennybody could go in for a ginny, but the reel
fust opening, about a fortnite ago, as was reserved for the Gentlemen of the
Press, or as one of 'em rudely called theirselves, the Press Gang. I was standing
quietly watching their arrival, and thinking wot a jolly nice perfession theirs
must be, always in the best places and always well looked arter, and nothink
to pay, when there oecurd another of them wunderfool things as so offen
appens to me. For seeing me a standing there, looking with a degree of respec
amost amounting to haw at them as has it in their power to make anythink,
however splendid, a failure, and anythink else, however silly, a sucksess, who
should take a site at me but Sir Cuuiifee Owing, the Commander-in-Chief of
the whole blooming lot, and he says to me, says he, " Come along, Mr% Robeet,
you are one of us, you know." I was so estonished that I reelly thinks as I
amost blushed, tho' not quite used to the blushing mood, as the Marshoness
said wen she seed the new Bally. However I jined 'em in their Journey; but
of course, as good taste dicktates, keeping at such a respeckfool distance as might
lend enchantment to the view.

The fust thing as we seed was summat as made me turn pail with estonish-
ment. It is called "Jungle Life." Ah, it must be sumthink like life to live
in a Jungle like that. It shows you a reglar thick wood in India, with such
trees and bushes as I never seed afore, full of a reglar crowd of Elephants and
Tigers and Snakes and Bears and Lepperds and things.

One of the Press Gentlemen kindly told me the names of sum of the werry
strangest Beastes there. Such as the Great Bore, that everybody awoids, the
Cheat'em from Monaco, the Covey's Gammon, the Bare Singer, quite nude, the
Samburn, which wasn't a bit like him, the Porkypie, with his hookey nose, the
Buficrlow, or low buffer, the Allygaiters, but not wearing 'em, and the Hoggish
Dear, or large female feeder. My kind informant wanted to perswade me
that a slippery, black-looking, slimy sarpent, was a Dyson, but I wasn't quite
such a fool as to beleeve that, for I had jest before heard him called a Piethon.

"Well, after this we set out on our Travels, with our Commander-in-Chief a
leading the way, and me a bringing up the rear like a Mager-General of the
Commyserriet, as they calls the wittels and drink Department in the Harmy.
Ah,_what a Traveller Sir Philip must ha bin! Why he guided us all through
Ingia, then through Africay, and then through all the Horsetrailian Colonys, as
if he had spent all his life in each one of 'em sepperately and knowed em all by
Art. And in each differing Country he gave us little 5 minute lecturs that told,
us all about 'em, and I lernt more Jografy, I think it's caUed, in that two
hours voyage than I hever lernt in all my long life afore. Ah, wot he carrys in
his not werry big head must be about enuff for a Commander-in-Cheef, and a
Prime Minister and a Chance-seller of the Xchecker all in won. I wasn't at
all aware 'till then that Canada was quite so close to Queensland, but then we
all lives and learns, Hed Waiters and all. When we was in Africa, which
wasn't near so hot as I expected, my kind frend pointed out to me the Dimond
Washings, and showed me the black holes as they took the werry biggest dimonds
out of. I had jest a shadder of dowt as to the strict werassity of this statement,
but he looked so serious, and withstood my stern gaze so carmly that I was
forced to yield.

What struck me most when we got to New South Whales was the pride as
they takes in their galliant Wollunteers. There is a splendid large Photygraff,
about six or seven feet high, with butiful likenesses of ewery one of the brave
feUers as wollunteered to fite with us in the Soodang last year ; and this I will
say, that a finer lookin set of smart fellers I never seed, not even at Holdyer-
shot; and what I shoud like to see dun wood be for the old Copperashun to give
a grand Bankwet of thanks to as many of 'em as has come over, in their old
Gildhall, and I prommisses, in the name of my Order, that we will all wollun-
teer to wait on 'em for nothink, no, not ewen for taking care of their Ats !

I leaves to my Bretheren of the Press the tarsk of describing the menny
butiful things as we seed, they 're more used to that sort of thing than me;
but I quite agreed with the gushing Heditor of one of the Sporting Papers who
I wentered to speak to on the subjec, and who said he was quite reddy to offer
five ponys to two that for wunderful works of Natur, and butiful works of
Hart, sitoh a collection had never bin seen since Hexebishuns was first inwented,
for he knew as he should win in a canter with both hands down. I didn't like
to ask him why he kept so many ponys, he might have thought it rude, or why
he should put both his hands down when he won, he might have_ thought me
hignorant; but jest to give a slite idear of the way as they does things in Ingy,
I may menshun, as there is jest a mere Pidgin House, sent over as a sample, that
is, all smothered over with butiful carving, and cost about £5,000 !

When the Gentlemen of the Press retired to Lunch, I acumpanied them to the
dore, but I knowed my place better than to enter that abode of bliss, though
by that time I was that jolly hungry that I could ewen have eaten sum cold
mutton, not that there was anythink of that sort there; so I retired to my propper
place, gratefool tho' hungry. Robeet.

Veeb. Sap.—Beware of any set of people calling themselves " Knights of
Labour." The Order has existed in France for a very long time, where they
arc known as " Chevaliers d'industrie."

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