Punch (90.1886)

June 12, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 277

COLINDERIES."

"Wot a grand World is
this as we are all a living
in, for them as nose how
to injoy it! and how
nobly is a 40 years good
carackter sometimes re-
warded ! Here am_ I
appinted hed Souperin-
tendent of all the hole
nohel harmy of "Waiters
in this here grand Xhi-
bishun, praps one of the
most hawi'ully respon-
serbel persitions in the
hole Bilding, but it jest
suits me to a Tea, for I'm
obligated to be always
full-drest with my white
choker of hoffice, so
there's no dishhabilwork
of a morning for me, and
my speshal dooty is to do
nothink in partiekler,
but to look after hevery
body helse, and make all
our warious hungary
customers nice and com-
-jy^=L_ feral, and for this I gits
a nobel adition to my
usual Screw. I have,
menny a time and hoft,
as Amlet says, had my
dreams of hearthly appi-
ness and bliss, but they
never quite reached to
this lofty hite of reality.
Allwaysfulldrest,_pretty
well allways a drinking
summat or other with sum elustrious Forrener or another, never
nothink to pay, and with such a nineum as cums to but few. _

There's one thing here as estonishes me a good deal, tho it takes
a good deal to estonishme now, and that is the wunderfool ignorance
of the Indien race. They acshally calls our excellent Lunch,
" Tiffin," and I carnt make out weather it means a good or a bad one.
They are beginning to know me now, and calls me by my honnerd
name, but ewen there they makes mistakes sumtimes, one of 'em
quite shocking me yesterday morning when he saw me by shouting
out " Salara, Robber! " meaning " Good morning, Mr. Robert," as
I was afterwards told. And one carnt be angry with 'em, pore
fellers! for their gross hignorance, for they are wunderfoolly perlite
and always smiles at me wen they meets me. I have made
acquaintance with one of their lower orders who speaks English
pretty well considering he's ony a pore Porringer. He asked me
to give him a few lessons in spelling, witch in coarse I did, and
werry greatfool he was, tho', strange to say, he always larfed
wile having 'em. In return he told me some reel staggerers about
his masters. He says that their partiekler customs won't allow
them not to eat Beef or Pork, ony Mutton and Lam! I fixed
ay hernest gaze of dowt on his sworthy wisage wen he told me
this, so he sed, watch 'em at their meals and see for yourself. So
I did, and it is quite trew'. Wot a reel sacrifice! 1 wunders
how many hungry Englishmen eoud make it, say for a duzzen years
or so, and' with werry cold winters. My f rend went on to say as that
Cows was treated with such respec in Injia that many of the werry
pore natives would like to exchange places with 'em, but as this
was after dinner I didn't feel at all angry with him for trying to
swindle me so shamefoolly.

We are gitting on wunderf ully well here, and thinks nothink of
having sum 30 or 40 thowsand peeple in a day, and as far as I
can judge, most on 'em ether cums hungry and thusty, or gits
hungry and thusty afore they leaves, and acts according, so my
Pore fellers has plenty to do, but they sticks to it like men, and I
trewly hopes, tho I am not pussonally concerned, that the thortless
public won't forget 'em wen they pays their little bills.

The grate atraction for the Fare Sects continues to be the
Injean Shorls, and I reelly don't wunder at it, they sen ins more
utter for Queens of the Fairys than for mere Mortels that has to go
to wet Garding Partys, and to bo scrowged at Droring Rooms. I
sumtimes pitys the pore fellers as I sees led up to them by butiful
Ladys as if it was quite by axident, but I nose better. The Prince
+S i ^ere' an<3- allways smiles wen he sees me, and pints me hout
to his frends, and then they all smiles. These marks of respec are
werry flattering, and sends me away with a lite art. Robert.

AFTER THE FEDERAL LECTURE AT THE UNITED
SERVICE INSTITUTION.

(Ideas picked up thereat by our own Impressionist.)

1. That two-thirds of the audience had come to see the Prince of
Wales rather than to listen to Captain Coiomb the Lecturer.

2. That it is not easy to take in statistics on the spur of the
moment, even if assisted with enormous charts covered with figures.

3. That England is smaller than India, and Australasia ever so
much bigger than both of them put together.

4. That in spite of this, appearances are deceptive, and that con-
sequently, from a military point of view, everybody lives in India
and nobody in Australasia.

5. That if we think we are going to get any soldiers from the
Colonies to speak of for the next twenty years, we shall find ourselves
wof ully mistaken.

6. That a single Australian, if drawn from the fields, would by his
absence depopulate a territory of some thousand square miles, and
cost at his ordinary wages about three and twopence an hour.

7. That, according to Captain Colomb, the Post Office has been up
to some very unpatriotic dodge in connection with the South
Canadian Railway.

8. That the Colonists present were most pleased at those parts of the
lecture in which their inability to carry out anything was admitted.

9. That everybody cheered to the echo anything that sounded like
swagger, but were most reticent in their applause when the question
of ways and means was approached.

10. That the subject of Federal Defence has yet to be dealt with,
in spite of Captain Coiomb's well-intended remarks.

11. That the Duke of Cambridge's appeal for funds was safe, if
not exactly appropriate.

12. That Captain Colomb's lecture would have been longer and
more intelligible had not the Prince of Wales had to catch a train.

AN AMBROSIAL CONCERT.

It was something like a concert at the Albert Hall on Saturday
with Messrs. Santley and Lloyd (Edward, not Arthur) instead of
Sims Reeves, who could'nt come; Madame Trebelli and Madame
Adelina Path—who, by the way, is not engaged by Mr. Cusins, as
some one stated last week, but by Mr. Ambrose Austin, who
should be Patti'd on the back for giving us such a rich musical treat
as this. The Albert Hall was AU-but chock full. Trebelli was in
a glorious dress. Path in a simple, child-like, and bland costume.
An afternoon concert for the lady singers who take Madame
Thebelli's view of it must be an expensive affair. We didn't see
whether Mr. Santley had a new coat for the occasion, but he had
his old splendid voice, which was as fresh as ever. Charming to see
the politeness of the two ladies in a pretty little strife on leaving
the platform, as to which voice should go first. Path insisted on
Trebelli being the one, and so the latter yielded. It is worth
going some distance to hear Mr. Edward Lloyd sing " My Queen,
My Queen!" Papist's delicate violin playing was delicious, and
the Orchestra, personally conducted by Mr. Cusins—one of our own
Country Cusins—gave us a perfect rendering of Liszt's Rhapsodie
Hongroise, A. 1. Success to the Ambrosial Concerts.

"A WORD OF WELCOME!"

The Amateurs at the Nathanal Theatre (Novelty Theatre, Great
Queen Street) did well and, we hope, with good results for that
deserving charity, Lady Constance Stanley's Home for Homeless
Children. The programme was Byron's Married in Haste and
Herbert Gardner's Cousin ZacJiary. We sent an Amateur Critic
who reported that Mr. Quintin Twiss was "most amusing,"
Mr. Charles Lamb " very good ;" that Mr. Eustace Ponsonby was
"good," that Miss Measob. (who is not an amateur at all) "acted
admirably, and looked very pretty," and that Mrs. Conyer D'Arcy
was " good." Our Amateur Critic had nothing but praise for Cousin
Zachary, in which he thought Captain Gooch was " vastly diverting "
and Miss Mat/d Catchcart (surely not an Amateur, eh?) "very
nice and pretty." An appropriate prologue had been written for
the occasion by Mr. Clement Scott, and was as well delivered as a
cricket-ball by Spoefoeth,—right into the left-hand breast pocket
of the audience where the heart and purse meet,—by Mr Claude
Ponsonby of the A. D. C. The Nathanal Amateurth of the Nathanal
Novelty Theatre have made a good thtart. Go on and prothper.

What is He ?—There is a Singer who announces himself as
" Monsieur Scovello, the Great American Tenor." Oblige us with
his nationality.____

An Inkcieent in French History.—General Boulanger to be
known in history as the man who spilt the ink on to the Grevy.
What a nasty dish to set before the Princes !

VOL XC.