Punch (90.1886)

22

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

[January 9, 1886.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

No. XI.—From an Old Tactician.

Hawarden Castle, Monday.

Dear. Toby,

_ I observe, through the usual channels
of information, that Lord S-l-sb-ry has
been in correspondence with you on the
difficulties of the situation. I too am
oppressed by them, and do not know any-
one better than yourself to whom I might
go for counsel. I find that, in my honest
endeavour to crown the edifice of my life's
work by a final attempt to pacify Ireland,
I have put my hand into a hornet's nest.
I seem to have rubbed everyone the wrong
way, Whigs or Radicals, Moderate Liberals
or Immoderate Tories, it is all the same.
They all angrily shout at me. H-rt-ng-
t-n is sulky; _ Ch-mb-rl-n has devoted
himself exclusively to the cultivation of
orchids; Gr-nv-lle is doubtful; and
S-lb-rne openly hostile.

On the other hand; I get no forrader
with P-rn-ll. He will say nothing defi-
nite,—wants me to speak first, whereas I
want him to speak first; also the Marquis. There are some young men in the
House of Commons'who^flatter themselves that I am very easy to "draw," and
perhaps there is some truth in it. I cannot, without swelling with holy wrath,
near some whipper-snapper like R-nd-lph or Ashm-d B-rtl-tt misquote my
Midlothian speeches, or put into my mouth words I have never uttered in the
House or elsewhere. But when it comes to a game such as that we are now playing,
it is, if I may say so, very different. There are, I am told, people who attribute
to me the scheme of coming down to the House on the day it opens, laying all
my cards on the table, and leading off with the ace of trumps. It is only to you
in^confidenee that I chuckle at'.this notion. If they think so, let 'em. But I do
not suppose you, who know me a little better, ever suspected such a thing ; and,
bless you, Toby, when you see me in the House in the course of the next fort-
night, you will declare there never was such a mild innocent-looking gentle-
man. I have nothing to say on any subject, muchless that of Home Rule for
Ireland. It is for the Government to declare their views._ If, thereupon, Mr.
P-rn-ll has anything to say, the time will be convenient; and when the
Government and P-rn-ll have each committed themselves to a particular course,
then, perhaps, I may have something to say, but not till then, you may be sure.

It's a very pretty game, and a deeply interesting one, if you only knew what
has been going on during the past six weeks. There is the Marquis watching
me, and P-rn-ll watching the Marquis, with one eye upon me. As for me, I
say nothing, and have said nothing, in spite of all the silly stories you may read
in the newspapers. It is quite enough for me to cut down a tree here and there,
and to write an occasional article for the Magazines. I should be perfectly happy
and light-hearted if it were not for the perversity of my friends. They all will
insist upon assuming that I have tied myself by engagements, and that I will
split up the Party by some rash speech delivered as soon as the House meets :
whereas, I have made no engagement, have not bound myself in the slightest
de gree, and do not mean to take any course when the House meets, that would
embarrass my future action. Let other people burn their fingers first, and when
they start back then my time may have come.

That is my position, simply and plainly put. From it you will perceive that
all my troubles come from outside, and arise from people insisting upon knowing
more about my intentions than I do myself. % I confess 11 have tried to drown
recollection of these things in a course which, I am afraid, cannot be otherwise
described than as one of mad rioting. On Boxing Day we had a servants' ball
here, and if you had seen me going through " Sir Roger de Coverlet/" with the
yeungest housemaid, you would not have thought I had a care upon my brain.

Two nights later I attended an enthralling lecture on gym-
nastics, practically illustrated by young gentlemen, who
tumbled about in an extraordinary manner. But the
best of the fun came after, when everybody had departed,
and H-rb-rt and I had the place and apparatus to our-
selves. If you had seen me hanging on to the trapeze
by one leg, standing on the parallel bar shead downwards
supported by my arms, or holding straight out two
fifty-six-pound dumb-bells, you would never have for-
gotten", it. I find these little diversions do me good,
distract;my thoughts, and prepare me for the new
Session.

Wishing you a Happy New Year, and many of them,
I remain, Yours faithfully,

W. E. Gl-dst-ne.
To Toby, M.P., The Kennel, Barks.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SOME RECENT CORRESPONDENCE
ON THE LYCEUM FAUST.

(To the Editor oftlie Times. Private and Confidential)

Sir,—I write to you because I have nothing much else
to do, and am delighted to get the chance of appearing in
print, so as not to be utterly forgotten, and also because,
as my name has a German ring about it, the publio will
conclude that I must be an authority on anything con-
nected with Goethe. Yours, Sc:hutz-Wilson.

P.S.—" Schutz " is good, isn't it ?

(To the Editor of the Times. Private and Confidential)

Sir,—Your Correspondent, Mr. Wilson, gives me an
opportunity of figuring in the Times, and getting an
advertisement for nothing. I am personally obliged to
Mr. Wilson. I should like to say something sharp about
" Shoots Wilson," or Frei-schiitz, by way of making a
hit, but as it would take me some time to think it out, I
must leave that jeu de mot for the present, and await a
chance later.

I wrote Faust to order. There were two difficulties I
had to get over. One was, that in the original there is no
genuine "actor's chance;" and the other was, that
Mephistopheles and Marguerite have no powerful scenes
together. Both these are necessities demanded by the
public, who pay to see Mr. Irving and Miss Terry. So
with some considerable ingenuity, I invented a speech for
Mephistopheles in a rage, founding it on a few lines of
his in another part of the poem. This was quite an inspi-
ration. Mr. Irving likes it immensely; so did the critics:
so do the public. Then I introduced him into the garden
for a tete-d-tete with Marguerite whence she expels him
with the sacred symbol, an idea which struck me as having
such a touch of originality about it as to amount to another
inspiration; and then I substituted him for the Evil Spirit
in the Cathedral. Mr. Irving and Miss Terry are satis-
fied, the public is satisfied, so am I; and who cares what
Wilson shoots ? I haven't yet got this joke about his
name quite perfect; but no matter, a time will come.

Yours, W. G. Wills.

(To the Editor of the Times. Private and Confidential.)

Sir,—I couldn't see [ Schutz-Wilson and Wills
appearing in the Times, without my having a finger in the
pie. I've read Goethe, too. I ve been at it night and
day since Schutz-Wilson's letter appeared, and I mean
to let the public know it. Irving's all right; he
always is; so's Wills's piece, though I don't care so
much about Wills : but I do like to show Henry Irving
that he has no more staunch or loyal friend in the literary
and journalistic world, than his old companion—"Should
auld acquaintance be forgot P "— Joseph Hatton.

P.S.—Capital chap Schutz-Wilson. Such a good
name. If I had had that name when I was starting in
life, I'd have been the most celebrated man in Europe,
and a millionnaire by now. I consider the name of
Schutz-Wilson has been thrown away on its present
possessor. I thought I'd arrange with Wills to cut in
first, as it keeps up the excitement. It would have been
poor journalistic tactics for our letters to have both
appeared on the same day in the same issue of the Times.
But how miserably Schutz-Wilson sneaked out of it all
on Saturday last in an ordinary-typed letter hidden in a
oorner of the Times. A man with such a name too!
Melancholy to see it so" thrown away!