Punch (90.1886)

54

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 30, 18S8.

SOCIAL AGONIES.

Jones (whose sense ofhumour is quite abnormal). "Oh, by the way, I must tell you a tunny thing about Smith—suan a funny
thing [—too fuxny ! ! You'll all die or Laughing when I tell You !'!.!?' [Tells them. Nobody laughs a bit.

THE LIVE SHELL.

Fallen on board! And who is game to tackle ■

The dangerous intruder ere it burst P
It will not be expelled by angry cackle, _

But by cool pluck and promptness, who '11 be first ?
Each seems reluctant, and a little frightened,
Yet of that shell the vessel must be lightened.

Must be, or,—well, the imminent explosion
Will blow you both to Limbo for one thing.

Has selfish fear or jealousy's corrosion
So chilled your blood, so slackened manhood's spring,

That neither of you, now the fuze is lighted,

Dares down on it,—nor even both united ?

A "PHENOMENA.

. A Correspondent sends us this extract from the Advertisements
m the Guardian .—

"TTOTJSE1IAID and CHOIR HELP. Rare offer ; valuable servant ;
-LJ- experienced managing housemaid; thoroughly trusty; respectable ;
plays efficiently harmonium, full choral service in country church. Twenty-
tour. Eight years' character. Address the Yicar,—specifying work required,
number m family, servants kept, wages offered.

'' Bare offer! " rather. A first-rate Housemaid, who can play the
Harmonium, and give a full choral service, is indeed a treasure.
Only twenty-four, with eight years' good character ; so, according to
Cocker and Colenso, she must have begun this sort of thing at six-
teen. 'Wherever she goes she has a great future before her. House-
keeper and Precentress, and perhaps she may become a Mrs.
Proudee. _

Messrs. Geokge Rotttledge and Sons announce a new Volume,
entitled Men of the Reign. Is it an advertisement for Mr. Sangster ?

MAKING SURE OF IT.

The Government having decreed that Mr. W. H. Smith shall first
make inquiries before reporting to them on the condition of Ireland,
it may be asked—

"Whether he will be permitted to have access to the official records
kept at Dublin Castle, for the last six months ;

Or have to seek new evidence of the state of affairs on his own
account;

If the latter, whether he will cut off his hair and disguise himself
as an Irish-American, for the purpose of joining the National League ;

Whether, if he succeed in doing this, he will sing " The Wear-
ing of the Green," and personally assist in extensive boycotting
operations;

Or be present and witness the maiming and wounding of loyalist
cattle;

Or whether he will endeavour to view matters entirely from the
other side, and, acting himself as bailiff, serve a quantity of writs on
tenants marked out for eviction;

And if he does this, whether he will put up somewhere in the
immediate neighbourhood, and quietly wait to see what comes of it.

And if he is attacked by a " Moonlight" gang in consequence, and
has a narrow escape with his life, whether he thinks he will have
carried his inquiry far enough to enable him to send in his report to
the Government.

In the course of an article on'Books, entitled j' Sibylline Leaves,"

Guard,
for a
were more

of them!" Did he mean "more of idle and pleasant half-hours,"
or "more of Mr. Preston's books," or " more of such books" as is
this one of Mr. Preston's ? If our first interpretation of the Sybil-
line meaning is correct, we agree with him heartily. As to the
others, we may agree with him when we have read The Yeomen of
the Guard.