Punch (90.1886)

GO

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 30, 1886.

in the first Session. Now they make their maiden speech on the
Address, and one actually proposes to move an Amendment, which
amounts to a vote of "Want of Confidence! I think I shall follow
Newbegate. Can't stand much of this."
Business done.—Address moved.

Friday.—House again crowded in floor and galleries. Sexton re-
sumed Debate on Address in speech less wind-haggish and therefore
better than usual. He was only an hour and a half at it, which for
him is what an ordinary remark is to average man. Always admitted
that Sexton is a good, even an eloquent speaker. What I have
mourned over has been his funereal tendency to smother his speech
amid dust-heaps of verbiage.

New Member still to the fore, a source of increasing marvel._ One
of his favourite dissipations is to stroll between the Speaker in the
Chair and the Member on his legs, a deadly breach of Parliamentary
etiquette. To-night Joseph, Viscount Arch, having descended from
the Peers' Gallery, thought he'd stretch his legs and make a little
tour of the House. En route came between Sexton and Speaker.
A roar of execration went up from the crowded benches. His Lord-
ship paused, and instinctively turned up his coat-sleeves. If this
was the mob howling at aristocracy the 'sooner matters were brought
to an issue the better. Taking a step on to the floor of the House,
and. gazing round defiantly, his Lordship mutely invited the mob to
" Come on! " An attempt made to drag him down upon the Front
Opposition Bench. But he is a heavy man to move, and, dis-
entangling himself from the grasp of the assailant, retreated in good
order, repeating his original offence of passing between Sexton and
the Chair, and so safely reaching the Bar, stood shoulder to shoulder
with his fellow peer, George, Marquis of Howeix, ready for any
emergencies.

Later in debate another anonymous Member (half the House is
anonymous just now) performed a similar feat. The Sage of Queen
Anne's Gate was on his legs, speaking disrespectfully of the Duke
of "Westminster. The New Member strolled down the House with
light heart, and passed right under the Sage's nose. The roar that
went up literally prostrated him. He lay flat on the Gangway,
looking up at the Sage, who, with hands on hips, regarded him with
a fprolonged and cutting stare. It was piteous to see the abject
agony of the New Member as he lay in the Gangway, timidly return-
ing the glare of the Sage. Presently, when the Sage returned to his
consideration of the Dukes, New Member cautiously rose, crept up
the Gangway, skirted the wall under the Gallery, moved with in-
creasing pace as he neared the door, and disappeared from view. If
this was being a Member of Parliament, perhaps the defeated Candi-
dates were not the least happy of men.

Another New Member, one Mather, distinguished himself in a
fresh direction. Debate opened on Irish Question, and continued
thereon, speech after speech. When Mather got his innings,
supposed he would add some valuable remarks on the same subject.
But, with a wink at the Speaker, New Member humorously plunged
into discussion on the Education Question. Next Member resumed
discussion on Irish Question, and Mather's maiden speech stands
isolated in debate "like a fly in amber," as Sir John Lubbock
observed.

Business done.—Further Debate on Address.

A Strange Fancy.

"What does this mean, from the Daily News f—

TO PROPRIETORS OF PERIODICALS, &c.—A known AUTHOR,
fiction, histories, articles, and comic matter, well up in starting papers,
editing, and managing, is open to an ENGAGEMENT. Salary no particular
object. A periodical requiring pulling up preferred.

We thought that when a periodical " required ptilling-up," it was
generally at the police-court. " Salary no object." This advertiser
is evidently poking fun at the Public, for he mentions "comic
matter " among his qualifications. He is undoubtedly a real wag.

" Nid Ned Noddln'—in our House "—at "Westminster.— During
Mr. Sexton's brilliant and powerful speeeh on Friday last, he alluded
to what concessions Mr. Gladstone would be inclined to make to the
Home Pailers. Whereat, it is reported,'' Mr. Gladstone deliberately
nodded three times." A great deal was made of this Lord Burleigh-
like nod by the Post and Pall Mall. But Mr, Punch, quietly re-
viewing the situation, ventures to offer the suggestion that the
Ex-Premier was ashep.

When this " hokatobiblion " business is quite through, will this
searching inquiry have sensibly— (Query, in any case "sensibly")—
increased the number of readers of, say—Confucius and Mr. Ckaik ?

Me. William Morris willmtroduce into the patterns of his wall-
papers several peculiar Socialistic designs.

A CRY FROM THE BENCH;

or, justices just ice.

-EWer.High-Sheriff and Javelin-Men, conducting the two Judges to
their Official Lodgings.

High-Sheriff {bidding adieu, to the'Judges on threshold). And I
hope sincerely that your Lordships will be quite comfortable.

Judges (together). Oh, no doubt of
it. You '11 come in and have a glass
of wine ?

High-Sheriff (aside). If they only
knew that I've given them shilling
Claret and cheap Saumur? Can't
help it — the county's so dreadfully
poor. (Aloud.) Thanks, but_I won't
disturb your Lordships.

\ Exeunt Sheriff and Javelin-Men.
Mr. Justice Byles. Come, Brother,
'tis an imposing edifice, at all events.
Why (in Hall), how's this ? (Shivers
violently.) It 'slike an ice-house.
rs Mr. Justice Styles (moving on),

t:^ Perhaps the Dining-room will be
kH better. What an abominable fire!
Positively it's made of Coke ! Why,
this is contempt of Court. (Wraps
himself up in a blanket which he pulls
hurriedly from one of the beds.)
"*A"s^<is___-~-^ Isn't there an icy draught coining in

from somewhere ?
Mr. Justice Hawkins complained, Mr. Justice Byles (who has been
at Norwich, that the Judges' examining rooms). Draught! I should
Lodgings were only fit for think there was. Why, just look
"Arctic Foxes or Polar Bears." here! [Pulls aside a curtain, and

discloses a large hole in the wall—■
garden and snow-covered paths visible through aperture.
Mr. Justice Styles. Oh, this is shameful!

Mr. Justice Byles. What shall we do ? Issue a mandamus to the
Sheriff?

Mr. Justice Styles. My fingers are too cold to look up Law-books,
but I doubt if there's a precedent for such a course. A peremptory
injunction to the nearest carpenter or mason would be more to the
point. (Falls rather heavily on floor.) Upon my word, there's ice
on the carpet! Tes, it's really a slide !

Mr. Justice Byles (eagerly). Then certainly a caveat to the little
boys of the neighbourhood ought to issue at once. And did you
notice the furniture ? Come straight out of some old curiosity shop,
I should imagine.

Attendant (entering). A cold collation awaits your Lordships in
the Library.

The Judges (together, very angrily). Cold be—(sudden pause).

Mr. Justice Byles (pcremptorihj). Go away, fellow, and heat it.

Attendant (surprised and pleased). Thank your Lordships ! [Exit.

Mr. Justice Styles. Why did he thank us ? Oh, (tries to dance) my
feet are like icicles! How are your poor feet ?

Mr. Justice Byles (sadly). I don't think I've got any left—not
even a contingent remainder.

Mr. Justice Styles. I've heard one's fingers and toes drop off
when they 're frost-bitten. Perhaps we shall leave ours behind as
" remanets " ! It's too bad.

Mr. Justice Byles (professionally). Yet it's a really interesting
legal question whether a High Sheriff is liable for impliedly guaran-
teeing that our lodgings are habitable, if you can view it in that light.

Mr. Justice Styles (peevishly). But I can't view it in that light.
I'm much too cold ; and as we've decided ever so many times that a
tenant must look out for himself, I really don't see what remedy we
hare. I only wish I was in a jolly comfortable cell at the County
Gaol, like those prisoners to be tried to-morrow.

Mr. Justice Byles. I'm so hungry ! (Pings bell. ' Pe-enter
Attendant). Well^ where' s the " collation'' ?

Attendant. It's finished, my Lords.

Mr. Justice Styles. Finished ! We told you to heat it-.

Attendant. Yes, thank you, my Lords. I did 7;eat it. It were
very good. (The Judges collapse. Attendant sees there''s a mistake
somewhere, and adds persuasively) But there's some of the mutton
left, and if your Lordships wouldn't object to sitting by the fire in
the kitchen-

Mr. Justice Byles. Eh, Brother Styles?

Mr. Justice Styles. The Court concurs, Brother Byles. And if

this worthy person could procure us some boiling water-

Mr. Justice Byles. A little lemon, sugar, some whiskey-■

Attendant. Two tumblers and. a couple of churchwardens ? Yes,
my Lords; and perhaps your Lordships have got your own tobaccy
with you ? Oh, very good,—my Lords, this way.

[The venue is changed by consent to the kitchen.

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