Punch (90.1886)

112

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Maech 6, 1886.

If there's one thing I am proud of, 'tis a brilliant cure I wrought
On a Doctor who persistently against my system fought.
He agreed to undergo it, " as it certainly was new,
Just to test it from a purely scientific point of view."
I contrived to make him gibber ere a fortnight had elapsed ;
In another week his memory had utterly collapsed.
Now he gaily mops and mows from rosy morn to dewy eve,
Quite the gladdest—and the maddest—of my patients, I believe.

I've a Minister, who does not in the least know what he means,
A delightful maniac Bishop and a brace of driv'lling Deans.
I've a celebrated Journalist, whose brain I know is cracked,
For he will insist that style should be subordinate to fact.
There's my eminent Musician, too, whose sense of time and tune
I have shaken to its base, and hope to shatter very soon;
As it is, I note with rapture that he regularly fails
To distinguish " Tullochgorum" from " God Bless the Prince of
Wales!"

"WTien I think of these successes, and of all the good I've done,
I feel certain that my mission is indeed a blessed one;
Yet I yearn in opium ecstasies my consciousness to whelm,
And to toy with Golden Lilies in my own Celestial Realm,
Where, by signing a death-warrant with my gay vermilion scrawl,
I could cure the sanest person of his troubles once for all.
But no matter! Here, in exile, I propose to end my days;
For the English climate suits me, and—my Institution pays!

NOTES FROM THE DIARY OF A CITY WAITER.

It seems to me as these times of egsitement is werry bad for all on
us, partickler pollytickle egsitement. It's not only bad for the Gents
as dmes, but allso for us waiters as waits on 'em. They don't seem

to know a bit wot

—-<~ m~"~ u rtifi^M^MtiJiSfS^f^ they heats nor a

//■v-ojj-^ iffijidg^'IliMr drop wot thev

'' f ^Jfln. 0 P— J \W&fS3SSk f drinks, and why ?

beeos they're a
forking and a
squabbling and a
worritting each
other all dinner
time, and the sharp
way in which they
refuses the most
dellycate and hap-
pytising ongtrays
is amost enuff to
break a Waiter's
art. I dunno, of
course, how it's
cum about, but it
seams to me as
gents hasn't got
the grand and
nobel nappytights
as they wunce had.
I sumtimes hoffers
one on 'em a dish
as is more like a
pictur or a work of
Hart than sum-
think to heat, and he looks at it, and shakes his hed at it, and says,
" I wish I might." Brown says, and I think he's rite, that a man
with a diegestion must find it as grate a nuisance as a man with a
eonshence, his idear of a moddle man is a gent who as he herd one
say, no more thinks of asking his stummuck wot he shall put into
it than he does his Portmanto. A pretty sort of life an Hed Waiter
would lead if he was trubbled with either of these nuisances !

If I mite wenture to hoffer just one word of warnin to my nobel
Paytrons, the London diners-out, it wood be just this one. Go back
to your good old f ashun of, when you 're a dining out, taking it
heasy, and carm, and quiet, and don't waste your presshus time in
torking and larfing, or you '11 cum to the same orful condition as our
Amerryeane Cozens, who, I am creddibly informed, gobbles up their
dinners in about 10 minnets, and, as a natural consequents, weighs
about 10 Stun all round. Fancy a grand old Copperashun composed
of sitch men! In course I means my sollem warning to apply ony
to the reel dinnertime; wen that's all over and there's no think
more to heat than a lot of frute and siteh 'rubbish, then's the time
for tork and larfter, and that reminds me of a werry jolly heavening
as I spent the other nite.

As a trew Conserwatif I'm natrally opposed to all change. But
we had wun the other heavening as I'm quite prepared to sankshun,
aye, and heven patronize. I was ofishyatin at one of our tip top West
End Otels, and we had one of them jolly Cheermen as not only don't
make no long tiresum speeches hisself, but don't allow not noboddy

else for to do it. So to fill up the wacant time wot does he do but
inwites the werry merryest, and jollyest, and pianny-forty-play-
ingest gennelman as I hever seed or herd, and in course I've seed a
goodish lot. His name was Mister Gkowsmith and he cum to us for
jest a hower or too afore he went to the Sawoy Theater, where Brown
tried werry hard to perswade me as he was a going to hact a kind of
Japan'd Jack Ketch, but I wasn't quite sitch a fool as to beleeve that
rubbish. Well if he didn't sit down to the Pianny and sing us such
a jolly lot of songs as made us all, waiters and all, rore again. One
speshally, about going to see in a Tot, cum home speshally to me, as
I'm about as bad a Sailor as an Horse-Marine. He cum late and
went hurley, to our grate regret, but play haoting obleeges, as the
French says, and hordiences, speshally Gallerys, won't wait for no
man. I noticed as amost the ony thing as he het was Salary, so I spose
that's the fav'rite dish with Hacters as with Copperashun Hofficers.

And now cums another of the wunderfool ewents of my umbel life.
As he was a leaving, he acshally shook ands with me werry artily,
and he says, says he, "I'm werry glad to have seen you, Mr. Robert,
as I've off en wished to do, for I bleeves as we both elps to emuse the
Public in our warious ways ! " and before I eoud ask him him wot on
airth he ment, he was gorn. So I need ardly say as that dinner lives
in my memmery, not only for its own speshal helegance, and its
sensible Chairman, but for the grand change he hintroduced of giving
us plenty of cappital and most emusing songs insted of long and
dreary speeches, and for the honner conferd upon me, a pore umbel
Waiter, by one who I am creddibly informed is the delite of all cercles
and the idle of his hone.

Brown told me as how as he was told by a frend of one of the Irish
Members as how as they was so ard up at one time for Irish Parnellite
candied-dates, that they thort of getting a few Forren ones, and as I
was harf a Welchman, and pretty well anyone was good enuff for
'em, it was quite on the pack of cards as they wood have accepted
me! Reelly Brown has sitch a flattering way of paving a grate
complement that one carnt help likin him. He said as how the
terrems, as they calls 'em, wasn't at all bad, wiz., five pound a weak
and ewerythink found, but the hours was sumtimes xerusheating late,
but to make up for it, we had, like the other skool boys, a harf
hollyday on Wensdays and a hole 'un on Satterdays. Robert.

"AN OLD PARLIAMENTARY HAND."

" I thank thee, "Weg, for teaching us that word."

Shakspeake (Tory version).

Was loud Gratiano more noisily grateful

To Shyloclc the Jew for the word he had lent,
Than are Tories to him, the eternally hateful,

Who aids their slack wits with such simple content ?
" What, tvhat shall we term him—the traitor black-hearted,

The trickster, the trimmer, the scourge of our land ?
By Jove ! he himself the straight tip hath imparted !

Let's call him the Old Parliamentary Hand!
" So sweetly equivocal, charmingly sinister!

Means—well, it means whatsoever we like.
A proud, hoighty-toity, magnanimous Minister,

What could more snakishly, lethally strike ?
Suggests Artful Dodger, and Jeremy Diddler.

With dexterous handling, which roe understand,
Shows what a shy fiddler and casuist riddler

Are found in the Old Parliamentary Hand.
" It would not have done any damage to Dizzy,

Who commonly spoke with his tongue m his"cheek.
But he, the proud Bayard ? Ah, let us be busy,

And hurl the small shaft at him ten times a week.
Jove, dropping his bolt, twangs this dart, d la Cupid,

And lesser toxophilites all round the land
Follow suit. If the stale iteration grow stupid,

All's fair—'gainst the Old Parliamentary Hand!
"No doubt it is open to other constructions.

In days when State-driving's so ticklish a task,
With kickers, and jibbers, and general ructions,

It seems very much what true wisdom would ask.
A green hand, like Phaethon, hardly suffices ;

Automedon's services could one command?
One would not take Jehu for corners and crises,

But trust to an Old Parliamentary Hand.

"But that's common sense, and not partisan smartness.

The phrase from the lips of the enemy sped,
And seems, with some twist, due to word-triek and tartness,

To fly, like a boomerang, back at his head.
We may not be able to "draw him"—he's clever!—

But Jeremy Diddler's a role hardly Grand;
And so let us howl on for ever and ever,

' Yah! booh! You 're an Old Parliamentary Hand!' "