Punch (90.1886)

148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 27, 1886.

OUR EXCHANGE AND MART.

TOTOULTRY FANCIERS AND OTHERS.—A Brood of WILD
TURKEYS for disposal. *tA Gentleman, a professed epicure,
of artistic tastes, who with a',view'to giving a series of hanquets to
his intimate friends, hasjrecently had a consignment of these cele-
hrated hirds forwarded to him from one of the Western States of
Americans now, owing to'want of nerve and leisure to devote his
attention properly to their keep and management, desirous of parting
with them in exchange for their value in secondhand photographs, or
an equivalent in Cranberry Jam. Together with the hirds, that are
as yet quite untamed, and in fine savage condition, the Advertiser
will include in the exchange a leathern leg-and-f aoe protector, padded
gloves, half-a-dozen Hospital tickets, double-handed crow-bar, and
feeding tongs, for the purpose of approaching them at meal-times. On
view daily, through the top of the coal-eellar, on the premises. West-
ville House, Paddington Park, W. N.B.—Could be easily removed
with the aid of chloroform, under suitable precautions, in a
furniture van.

TO THE DEAF AND MUSICAL.—An Inventor, who has
devoted the last seventeen years of his life to the construction
of a " Symphonikon," or Self-acting Steam Organ, having, owing to
the seizure, at the last moment, of the whole of the treble and half
the bellows for arrears of rent, been left with the bottom five base
notes on his hands, is open to entertain an offer for them, on reason-
able terms. As, when turned on even at half power, they emit a
clear deep bellowing sound that deafens the performer, and shakes
the house with its vibration, they might either be found useful to a
student hard of hearing wishing to familiarise himself with a portion
of the left-hand scale, or still better, serve as a permanent fog-signal
attached to a light-house on a dangerous coast. Might be utilised by
a village choir accustomed to the use of limited plain chant. As the
piping would also be serviceable as hot-water apparatus, the repre-
sentatives of public baths and wash-houses might communicate.

SIKES ON SELF-HELP.
(For the " Unemployed,")

A Person wot is unemployed,

Acccptin' of relief,
'Is hindependence 'as destroyed;

Which therefore I turned thief.

No charity to 'elp distress,
Says Swells, but wot's to blame,

Demoralizin, more or less,
Receivers of the same.

Blow charity, assistance blow,
And blowed employment be!

So long as I can plunderin' go,
You don't demoralize me!

Self-'elp it is the means and plan

I chooses to pursue ;
So, oonseqvently, all I can

1 'elps myself unto.

TO THE BENEVOLENTLY DISPOSED.—An Indian Chief for
Adoption. The Secretary of an Aborigines Protection Society
that has recently collapsed for want of funds, but.has left him in
charge of a Warrakiri Islander for whom he has no room in his
family circle, is desirous of meeting with some philanthropic person
willing to take him off his hands. The Chief, who is understood to
be descended from a long line of Ocean Kings, and whose outfit con-
sists of a dozen pots of war-paint in two colours, a tomahawk, fifteen
long spears, a throat-knife, and the skin of a bison for Sunday wear,
would be found willing to make himself generally useful in an
athletic household from which he could occasionally enjoy the run of
a London Square. As in his native country he has been in the habit
of performing the carving-knife feat and turning a double somer-
sault backwards over the heads of six high-priests together, his
services might, if not available at an East End Music Hall, be pos-
sibly acceptable to a childless and aged couple who wished to enliven
their declining years by a little daily after-dinner recreation and
excitement. Can be lodged comfortably in a dust-bin. Small bonus.
For further particulars, and inspection, apply, efficiently protecte d
by police, at the Secretary's Office, 293, Poultry, E.C._

ZOOLOGICAL AND EDUCATIONAL—An Invalid Nobleman
having, as Residuary Legatee under the will of a distant
Colonial relative, succeeded to the possession of a couple of mammoth
Rattlesnakes that he is anxious to keep, but has not the health or
ability properly to domesticise, wishes to meet with some expe-
rienced person who would be willing to act in the capacity of
Charmer, and reduce them to reasonable control. As the Advertiser
had, with the assistance of his family circle and the police,
managed to get pillow-cases over their heads, and pursuing them
with a Chinese gong, induced them to take refuge inside the draw-
ing-room grand piano—from which, however, they subsequently
escaped in a somnolescent condition—it is not calculated that they
will give much trouble to a thoroughly experienced Tamer
accustomed to their ways, and well provided with proper antidotes.
As they are at present coiled about the central chandelier, hissing,
and making frequent darts at any one attempting to dislodge them
with a red-hot poker, and so somewhat interfering with the com-
fortable service of five o'clock tea, as early an application for the
post as is possible is desired. Salary a matter of arrangement. No
objection to a confident Amateur.

School Board Rhyme.

How doth the little Scholar's Fee

Improve the shining hour !
We '11 gather money all the day,

As long as we've the power.

Last Woeds in the Belt Case.—" Bust up!" and "Alas, poor
Ghost! "

SPEEADING- THE LIGHT !

Extract from Mr. Michael Davitt's Mary.

Go down to Oxford. Flattering invitation from young men of
Thingummy College to give them a lecture Ion " Irish Home Rule
Problem." Wire to ask if this means that my hotel expenses will be
paid; also add that "I never think of lecturing under ten-guinea
fee." Reply (also by wire) that "no need of my going to hotel—
they '11 put me up in College, and lecture-fee will he paid." Satis-
factory. Bad times at present for Irish Patriot. No rent, so to
speak, coming in. English audiences have had enough of Irish
grievances for some time. When I ask ten guineas "in advance,"
they reply that they will willingly pay ten guineas for me to keep
away. Discouraging. Also rather alarming. Irish Patriot has his
personal expenses, like other people, and how is he to pay his laun-
dress if Home Rule lecture not appreciated ?

Therefore pleased at unexpected invitation to Oxford—always
thought it was home of old-fangled Toryism, landlordism, clericalism,
and that sort of thing. Evidently young Oxford going to alter aU that.

Get to Thingummy College. Nobody waiting at gates to receive me.
Porter suspicious. Says "the young gen'lemen are at 'All," and
asks me to wait in poky little anteroom till they've done. I ask what
'' Hall" is ? Porter looks at me pityingly, and says it means dinner.
Dinner! Well, aren't they going to give me a dinner? How's
Irish Patriot to live if people don't give him free dinners ? Send in
my card to President of College Debating Society, with message that
" I only had hasty lunch before leaving Town." He must take the
hint, I think.

He does. Says " he's sorry to hear I've had no dinner, but it '&
against College rules to ask stranger to Hall without putting his
name down beforehand." Wants me to "wine" with him after
Hall.

This is not exactly the sort of treatment I expected. Inwardly
determine to cut out a good part of my Lecture, and get supper in
the place after it's over. Noise in Quadrangle^ What is it ? Ah!
the young Oxonians coming out from their dinner. President of
Debating Society shakes hands with me warmly. He appears to
have been dining heartily—wish I had. Is uncommonly merry.
Takes me off to his rooms. Gives me wine, cake, and fruit, and no
end of cigars. Pitch into the cake, as sort of compensation for
having no dinner. Curious that nobody else seems to come to this
"wine." Always heard that College "wines" were such festive
gatherings.

Say so to host. He seems embarrassed.^ Says the fact is the
Dons are so stupid, they think an Irish Patriot, who's an ex-convict,
" and that sort of thing," is not fit company for the young men of
the College. Apologises profusely for prejudices of the Authorities,
whom he calls "Old Stick-in-the muds." Says "he himself will
probably be gated for a week " for bringing an Irish Patriot (myself)
inside College. Seems sad, but determined. Quite pity the poor
young man. Wonder whether my ten guineas is safe. Would it be
best to ask for it in advance ? Suppose the Dons forcibly prevent
this young man from parting with the ten guineas to an Irish
Patriot! Where would an I. P. be then f

President says it's time to go to Debating Room. Walking along
Quadrangle, flower-pot dropped from an upper window—narrowly
escaping my head. President merely says, "Ah!" as if this were
quite an ordinary occurrence, and gives sickly smile. Says '' Some
men in the College are up to no end of practical jokes." Don't
like this sort of practical joke at all.

Lecture. Only ten persons present! And somebody had taken
away all the candles, so first five minutes spent in darkness. As I
am explaining that in new Home-Rule Parliament my place
will probably be that of Minister for Foreign Affairs (with large
salary), a ginger-beer bottle hurled through window! Hits Presi-
dent, who pretends to regard it as a capital joke. Wind up Lecture
hurriedly. Try to get out of gates into Town. Porter refuses to
let me out! Against rules, apparently, to open gates after eleven
at night. Or, at any rate, College Authorities have made the rule
for this one night, probably to spite me. President (who has not
yet offered me my ten guineas) takes me off to my bed-room, hopes