Punch (90.1886)

240

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mat 15, 1886.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

extracted from

.THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, May 3.—House reassembled after
Easter recess. When I say House I mean some fifty or sixty
Members. General impression, holidays not long enough. Why should
Lords not begin work again till Thursday, when Commons summoned
for Mon- gaffe day ? Gladstone stayed away. Example
largely followed. Other gaps in ranks of Ministers;

but ex- mrjL Ministers not to be allured by temptation to
extend ^MjOBjF holidays. Nearly all present. Front Oppo-
s i t i o n s--1}^ Bench only full one in the House. Only four
Irish yf*h7 Members on duty. House in Committee of
Supply. J^L-I^ "Just like old times, before Pabnell ap-
peared on the scene," said Geegoey.
''Makes me feel young again."

Petee Rylands in great form.
His constituents a little restive at
his recent escapade at Tory meeting.
Taken to pilgrimages to Hawarden,
and that sort of thing. Necessary to
show them how indispensable Petee
is in economical arrangements of
the Empire. Opened Debate on Vote
for Salary of the man and boy who
have for so many years been engaged
upon works at Dover Harbour. The
boy it appears has become a grand-
father. Wants retiring pension.
Petee hot against this; spoke upon
half-a-dozen Votes following. Hasn't
had sueh a time for years.

On the whole, remarkable Sitting.
Everybody in best of humours.
Henry Fowler compliments Grand
Cboss. Grand Cross approves H.
Fowlee. Money is voted by the
" Never heard of sueh a thing !" bushel; only hitch on the Scotch

Votes. Baeclat says Scotch Members
understood they would be postponed. "Never heard of such a
thing! " says the Lord Advocate, forgetting, in excitement of the
moment, to take off his hat. Hitch only temporary. More Votes
passed, half-a-dozen Bills advanced a stage, and the forty Members
adjourned, with the consciousness of having done their duty.
Business done.—Trenormous!

Tuesday.—Gladstone back again, eager, intense,
and younger than ever. Walked from Downing Street
at rate of five miles an hour. Hardly breath to answer
Beach's question about Greece. Off as soon as Ques-
tions were over, to meet Cabinet Council. "That,"
said A. Brown, who appropriately represents Welling-
ton in House of Commons, is what I call a hard day's
work. Leaves Hawarden Castle before luncheon; tra-
vels all afternoon; rushes down to House ; goes to wrestle
with colleagues in Cabinet Council, and afterwards
correspondence. That's too much for anyone. Must
draw the line somewhere."

"Then I'll draw it at you," says our Artist.
And here it is.

After Questions, Maceablane brought on Motion
relating to poor man's tobacco. Seems it's chiefly
composed of water, which is unsatisfactory. Heney
Fowlee—"one of the successes of Gladstone's
Ministry," as the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate says
—declares there's no article of consumption in this
country more free from adulteration than tobacco.
,/ " The average ounce contains only thirty-five per
'0, cent, of moisture." That was evidently another
thing; Maceaelane had represented this per-
. - centage as water. House, resenting attempt at
'■/'f misrepresentation, negatived Motion without fur-

ther discussion.
% o After tobacco, opium. Pease appropriately in-
Z2-s trodueed the poppy, denouncing its cultivation in
A. Brown study. India. Natural effect followed. Few Members
present. Set themselves, at the outset, to enjoy
speech. Gradually the influence of opium spread. Eyes closed,
heads drooped, and Members slept. Some stole away in search of
couches. Sir Richard Temple, Breaking the long silence, momen-
tarily roused the sleepers with strident voice. Fowlee, ex-
Lord Mayor, generously seconded his effort. But the voices had a
far-away sound. Sir George Campbell, moved to emulation by
Temple and Fowler, tried his voice, which effectually woke the

Speaker, who, perceiving there were only twenty-nine Members in
the House, Counted it Out.
Business done.—None.

Wednesday.—Seemed as if there was to be no House at all to-day.
Speakee hung about till quarter-past Twelve before taking the
chair. Then sat there quarter of an hour. Members dropped in one
by one.

"Will look in again by-and-by," said Spicee, nodding in
friendly way to Sergeant-at-Arms, and attempting to leave the
House. " Oh no you won't," said the Sergeant, drawing his sword.
" You suis and you reste."

Member for South Islington returned to his 'seat, where it was
explained to him that when, on Wednesdays, Member has once
entered House, he cannot leave till quorum is formed.

House once made, went to work at tremendous pace. By Four
o'Clock had cleared off all the Bills on the Orders, advancing many
by a stage. "This is how it will always be when we are gone,"
said Sexton, in speech of unusual brevity. "You'd better
pass the Home Rule Bill right off, and get along with your own
affairs."

Business done.—Prodigious!

Thursday.—General Woodall, Surveyor-Gene-
ral of the Ordnance, home just in time. Been occu-
pied during the so-called holidays in inspecting
forts. "And how are they?" said General
Feasee, confidentially. "Are your forts
pretty fortey, as they say in France ? "

"I must ask you to give notice of that
question," said the brother warrior.

Lord George Hamilton wants to know
about the bursting of the gun on the Col-
lingwood: addresses his question to the
"Surveyor-General of the Audience,"
a happy slip, which calls to mind Jacob
Beight's "noble lord, the Member for
Woodcock." This the only flash of the
evening, otherwise spent decorously,
not to say dully in discussion of Rail-
way and Canal Traffic Bill. This Bill,
read Second Time, formed reasonable
amount of progress for one sitting.
But House insatiable. Took up Crofters
Bill and passed it on for Third Reading,
dealing with other measures before it
rose at a quarter past two.
Business done.—Astounding!

Friday.—Through the week the Gal-
leries over the clock have, like the
House itself, been comparatively empty.
To-night there is a single figure in
General Fr-s-r, of the Cavalry. Distinguished Strangers' Gallery. It
A Light Weight. isn't everyone that notices it. But a

dog often sees more than meets the eye
of man. I know very well the tali figure in
the military cloak, the grey hair, the kindly
eyes, and the furrowed face. It's Colonel
Newcome—" Codd Colonel"—come to hear
the debate about Greyfriars. They want to
turn an honest penny by knocking the ancient
monument about, running a street through
it, perhaps a tramway. The Conser-
vative ex-Attorney-General holds a
brief for the Governors. Finds sup-
port from that fine ecclesiastical Tory,
Talbot. Another eminent Tory,
Beeeseoed Hope, attempted to avoid
defeat by moving Adjournment of
Debate, which Randolph seconded.
By two to one, the minority almost
exclusively Conservatives, Adjourn-
ment refused, and Bill withdrawn.

"By gad," said Codd Colonel, picking
his way down the Gallery steps, "things
are oddly changed. In my time it was
the Tories that used to gather in defence of
old places, and old things. Now we have to
thank the Radicals for preserving Grey-
friars."

Pretty to see DtrEF watching the sha-
dowy figure as it made its way through the
Lobby. ; " Wonder if he's paired."

"Wonder if - he's paired?" he said,
the old instincts of the Whip predominant. Business done.—House
Counted Out at Seven o'Clock.

TO CQBKESrOHUEITIS—In no case ca» Contributions, whether H?.,! Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned,
bjr a St£mp»d Bnd Dirtcttd Ei!t'elop» or Conr. Conies &f HS. should be kept by tfc* Sendsrg.

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