Punch (90.1886)

304

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 26, 1886.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Souse of Commons, Wednesday, June 16.—House met again to-
day, after Whitsun holidays. Remarkable improvement visible in
appearance of Members. Bronzed cheeks, brighter eyes, more
vigorous action. This only to be expected. Whitsun holidays have
been two days long, and, judiciously spent on land and sea, have
wrought this marvellous and happy effect. Comparatively few
Members back. In the division, 162 voted, but something less than
the odd sixty-two kept their seats throughout debate. The rest
already entered upon electoral campaign.

A crowd of Bills on the paper, and report of Supply to be dealt
with. This last involves the trifling expenditure of Twelve Millions
sterling. But Members, fresh from holiday, not inclined to be
cantankerous.

Sage of Queen Anne's Grate moves rapidly in and out and round
about the House. The other morning, when dawn was stealing over
sleeping Metropolis, he managed to tack on to quite another Bill a
clause throwing costs of returning officers upon the rates. Bill
comes up to-day on motion for Third Reading. Conservatives muster
in all available force to throw it out. But the Sage is too many for
them; the Bill passes, and the Sage smiles. "Let him laugh who
wins," said John Manners. "Thank Heaven we've a House of
Lords!"

Business done.—Appropriation Bill brought in, and read First
Time.

Thursday.—Sere's The O'Kelly look-
ing for Chamberlain-. But that's the only
sign of animation about the House. It
appears that Chamberlain 's been having
a little correspondence with The O'Kelly,
which he regards as concluded. The
O'Kelly takes another viewof the situation.
Has a few more words to say if he can
only get at Chamberlain's ear,
which, in truth, he is prepared to
pull. In the meantime stalks
through the corridors, looking for
him in the Smoking-Room, Read-
ing-Room, and on the Terrace.
Rather encourage this enterprise.
Will in time work off superfluous
energy. Afraid if he were to sit
down now, hewould spontaneously
explode.

As for the House, it reaches
lower depths of dulness. Winding
upbusiness of Parliament; getting
ready for decent death and burial.
Some inquiry about French action
in New Hebrides. But Scotch
Members not to be drawn into the
controversy, which fades away
in question and answer. Joseph
Glllis, taking note of the near ltlc u K~ny-

approach of the end of all things, makes spasmodic effort to
resume his older form. Joey B., himself still clothed with the
radiance of later youth, has a grievance against venerable age. '' A
vain old gentleman," he once called Gladstone, in those far-off
days before peace reigned in the Irish quarter. Has now discovered
a much older gentleman, who has seen fourscore years, and still
draws a salary in the Irish Administration. How many hours a day
does he give to the office ? Joey B. asks, with something of the old
gleam in his eye, and a shadow of the old smile hovering about his
lips. But it was a poor, weak effort; and having shot his dart,
Joseph slunk away, a little ashamed of himself.
i The new order of things illustrated again in respect of Appropria-
tion Bill. Second Reading now moved. In good old times this the
great opportunity for Irish Members. What long days of contention
we used to have in good old times! what all-night sittings' what
Saturday afternaens! and what shock to the lamented Phil Callan
when we sat into Sunday morning! All this changed now. Not an
Irish voice uplifted in opposition to the stage. Lyon Playfate has it
pretty well all to himself. Delivers to scantily-attended class one
of those luminous lectures he sometimes interposes in the round
of barren political discussion. Most excellent and eloquent disqui-
sition on Education. " A wonderfully able little fellow, Playeaie,"
said William Agnew, listening with rapt attention. "Always
reminds me of what Sidney Smith said of Jeffrey : ' Hasn't body
enough to cover his mind decently with. His intellect is indecently
exposed.' "

Appropriation Bill read Second Time, Members thought they might

depart. But Whips were on sentry at the door. A dozen Bills were

dealt with, and
Members didn't

f//

;V5fe» go home till morn

{-} . Business done.

WirfmimmilL JL38II1P ' / —Quite a lot.

Friday. -House
again more than
half empty, and
altogether dull.
Harcourt, smell-
ing rats, took the
opportunity of
moving at ques-
tion-time thatthe
House, at its
rising, adjourn
till Monday.

"And pray why
do you do that ? "
said Hingley, a
New Member,
anxious for in-
formation.
"I take that course,"
. saidHaecotjet, "because
matters may so arrange themselves
that the proceedings might come to a
conclusion with an abruptness which
would prevent the formality of moving
W. Agn-w. tte Adjournment."

Precaution not without justifi-
cation. A lot of Bills run
through. Law of Evidence
Amendment Bill reached. This
in charge of Henry James, who
voted against Home-Rule Bill.
Argal, Henry James must not

Erosper with any measure of
is own. So Irish Members
oppose. Move Adjournment—37
for adjourning, just 40 in favour.
Happy Thought. If the 37 walk
out, and even two of the 40
*ail to remain in their places,
House can be Counted Out. So
Molloy gets up and discusses
the Bill. A mysterious move-
ment takes place. Members glide
out from all the benches. A
Count is moved. A quorum not
made. House adjourns at Five
Minutes past Eight, and Henry
James and his Bill vanish into
space.

Business done.—Appropriation
Bill read a Third Time. « And) praV) why do you do that ? "

The Threepenny Seeies.—Since our Messrs. B. and A. initiated
their '' Handy Volume Series," which has had many rivals but no equal
for portability and legibility, the biggest books have been getting
smaller and smaller, and the price diminishing proportionately.
Messrs. Cassell's "National Library Series" has lately given us
the Castle of Otranto, Sir John Maundeville's Travels, and other
valuable works for the "ridiculously small sum" of three-pence
apiece. The old proverb was "Every Englishman's House is his
Castle;" in future this will be, "Every Englishman's house has
his Cassell." _

Problem—How to Subscribe to the London Hospitals toe
Nothing.—1. Tell the Hospital Collector that you now give your
subscription to his hospital, and others _ equally deserving, in a lump
sum when you go to church on Hospital Sunday. 2. Don't go to
church on Hospital Sunday. Q. E. D.

Charles Dickens has made a successful start with his readings
from his Father's works. He will go on tour. We wish him success.
"Read on, we follow thee ! " —Shakspeare, Revised Version.

Election Mem.—It's one thing to stand for a place, but quite
another to sit for it.