Punch: Punch (39.1860)

August 18, I860.’

PUNCH,

0

it

THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

67

A GO AT THE GABBLERS.

H! What is to be
done with our talka-
tive M. P.s ? This is
a question which is
yearly getting more
and more momentous.
Every session is more
taken up and wasted
by them than the last,
and the more they sit
and talk, the less the
country is advantaged
by it. Here we are in
August, and their
tongues are just' as
voluble as they were
in April; and nobody
except the grouse is
any whit the better off
for the clatter they
keep up. As for any
easiness being got
through in their pre-
sence, one might as
well expect to get an
epic poem written
within hearing of an
organ-grinder. Their
gabble is enough to
distract the strongest
mind, and divert from

what engages it the steadiest attention. Who can hope to see a Bill safe through the
House, when a hundred tongues are waiting ready primed to lire away upon it ? The
batteries, it is true, are mostly loaded with blank cartridge, but then they kick up such a
ceaseless row, that no one possibly can work in it.

Talk, talk, talk,

Till the brain grows dizzy and dim :

And talk, talk, talk,

' Till the cheerfulest face looks grim.

And it’s oh! what a din they make.

In spite of the cries of “ spoke ! ”

And in spite of the fact that each bottled-up Act,

Will be turned to a bottle of smoke.

Now, what is to be done to bring these garrulous M.P.s beneath the wholesome influence
of the Eary Closing Movement, or, in language less circuitous, to make them “shut up”
sooner than they have done of late? Everybody grumbles at the way in which the country’s
time is taken up, and nobody appears to know of any remedy to name for it. State physicians,
if appealed to, blandly shrug their shoulders, and say they fear the case is past all curing.
Hear, for instance, how the Times talks on the matter, and hints that a reform pill must in
some shape be prescribed for it:—

“ No greater service could be rendered to tbe efficient transaction of public affairs, aud the maintenance of
the high character of public men, than a scheme by which the House should be enabled to protect itself
against its unruly members, and to find time for all its business by economising that which it devotes to the
least-important part. * * * * The man who shall invent any means by which Parliament can dis-

charge efficiently tbe duties that it has undertaken, will be the author of a real Reform Bill, that will give a
stability to our institutions which at this moment they do not possess, and avert the most formidable danger
which can overtake an ancient constitution—that of being found unequal to copo with the circumstanoes of a
society into the midst of which it has descended.”

Thus appealed to, Mr. Punch, whose talents are devoted to the service of his country,
has felt iu duty bound to keep his brains upon the rack, until he could devise a scheme for
silencing the gabblers, and removing the obstructives to the business of the nation. With
this view he has nightly dosed himself with tea, and has supped off toasted cheese to keep
himself awake, and unnaturally stimulate his powers of invention. The result is, he at length
has hit upon a plan by which the workers in the House will be secured due peace aud quiet,
without shortening by one syllable the pratings of the talkers. Mr. Punch suggests, that
henceforth the House should be divided, and that the talkers and the workers should be kept
distinct and Separate. As no Member is influenced by what he hears in Parliament, there
can be but very small advantage in his hearing it. Votes, it is well known, are always cut
and dried beforehand, and not one in a million is biassed by the speeches. Gabblers get upon
their legs that they may use their tongues, merely, aud never dream of getting workers to
waste their time in hearing them. It is clear then, that for all the good they do in the House,
the talkers might, in fact, be every whit as well kept out of it.

But Mr. Punch, who ever tempers justice with mercy, will not be so cruel as to hint that
this is requisite. A Bill for the Removal of these National Nuisances would no doubt
be vastly popular, and has much to recommend it. Nevertheless, ff/r. Punch will not at
present call for it, but will content himself with simply severing the House, and separating
its productive from its unproductive Members. The former might still occupy the chamber
they now sit in, being secured from any chance of interruption by the latter: to whom should
be allotted a chamber by themselves, where they might gabble as they pleased without
annoying anybody. Reporters might attend when they were specially engaged; and the
luxury of seeing one’s pet speeches put- in print might thus be graciously provided for all.
who chose to pay for it.

By separating thus the really busy, bees of Parliament from the idly buzzing drones by

whom the business is impeded, the great hive
of St. Stephens will be cleaned out quite suffi-
ciently, and room be found to lay up goodly
stores of useful Acts. When the drones e&n’t
interrupt them, the working bees, no doubt, will
stick to work like wax; and will no more have
their time wasted by swarms of gabbling
good-for-nothings, whose only point of dif-
ference from the family of drones is, that now
and then one finds that they are gifted with a
sting.

FAST YOUNG LADIES.

Here’s a stunning set of us,

Fast young ladies;

Here’s a flashy set of us,

East young ladies;

Nowise shy or timorous,

Up to all that men discuss.

Never mind how scandalous.

Fast young ladies.

Wide-awakes our heads adorn.

East young ladies ;

Feathers in our hats are worn,

Fast young ladies;

Skirts hitched up on spreading frame,
Petticoats as bright as flame.

Dandy high-heeled boots, proclaim
Fast young ladies.

Riding habits are the go,

East young ladies,

When we prance in Rotten Row,
East young ladies;

Where we ’re never at a loss
On the theme of “that ’ere ’oss,”
Which, as yet, we do not cross.

East young ladies.

There we scan, as hold as brass,

Fast young ladies,

Other parties as they pass,

Fast young ladies;

Parties whom our parents slow,

Tell us we ought not to know ;
Shouldn’t we, indeed ? Why so,

Fast young ladies ?

On the Turf we show our face.

Fast young ladies ;

Know the odds of every race,

Fast young ladies;

Talk, as sharp as any knife,

Betting slang—-we read Bell's Life :
That’s the ticket for a wife,

Fast young ladies!

We are not to be hooked in.

Fast young ladies;

I require a chap with tin,

Fast young ladies.

Love is humbug; cash the chief
Article in my belief:

All poor matches come to grief.

Fast young ladies.

Not to marry is my plan.

Fast young ladies.

Any but a wealthy man,

Fast young ladies.

Bother that romance and stuff !

She who likes it is a muff ;

We are better up to snuff,

Fast young ladies.

Give me but my quiet weed,

Fast young ladies,

Bitter ale and ample feed,

Fast young ladies;

Pay my bills, porte-monnaie store.
Wardrobe stock—-I ask no more.
Sentiment we vote a bore,

Fast young ladies.