Punch (39.1860)

September 8, 1860 ]

91

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Tuesday, August 28. Ah last the weary Session, which like a wounded snake,
had been dragging its slow length along since January the Twenty-fourth,
was this day put an end to by Protector Punch, to whom the labour was
confided of proroguing the Long Parliament. The ceremony took place at a
little after two, in the presence of ten Ladies, three Bishops, and eight Lords,
flanked by a scant sprinkling of the ever faithful Commons. This enumeration
will serve to show what interest was taken in the proceedings, which were
fraught as usual with the most intense excitement.

Upon arriving at the House, Protector Punch was formally conducted
through the Commons, and observing there were actually forty Members
present, he elegantly complimented them upon their courage, in being seen in
London on the twenty-eighth of August “ Forties creantur fortibus,” said he,
as he good-humouredly shook hands with the juvenescent Premier, and
whispered something about Nestor looking like Narcissus.

Coming to the Woolsack, the Protector who had put on the big wig of
the Lord Chancellor (which Lady Judy said became him charmingly, and he
therefore felt quite proud in it; although, not being used to wear it, he found
the horsehair would tickle his ears), in the usual manner signified the Royal
Assent to exactly fifty bills ; counting them upon his fingers to make quite
sure they were all right, and that he had not by some accident dropped one in
tiis journey from Balmoral down to Pleet Street. Then amid the Breathless
silence of the House, the Protector Punch proceeded in his usual silver
accents, as Her Majesty’s Commissioner, to spout this Gracious Speech:—

“My Lords, and you Gentlemen, too, of the Commons,

Pray lend me your ears ; as to Mark did the Romans ;

We come the misdeeds of the Session to bury,

To praise it, met.hinks, were preposterous, very.

’Twas a Session of fussing, of talking, not working.

Real business all shelving, and promises shirking;

And though I may speak on’t, as ‘long and laborious,’

In such strenua inertia there’s little that’s glorious.

^ “To begin my stale news, I am happy to state
That my friends are all friendly, both small ones and great •

Prance, Russia, and Prussia, and Norway and Swede
(Of our runaway rascals, which latter is the den),

Holland, Austria, Turkey, and Belgium, and Spain
(Whose people, tho’ free, still in bond-age remain),

In fact all the Powers are peaceful I hope,

Excepting young Bomba, and p’raps that old Pope ;

Little wonder that o’er them the battle-cloud lours,

For such weak silly fools can be hardly called Powers.

Par more worthy the name is the brave Garibaldi,

Who is dealing the death which all tyrannies shall die;

Right well he makes head, e’en his worst friends must own.
And the best we can do is to ‘ let well alone.’

(Cross the Channel, I trust, will be wafted this hint
Though the ‘Boot’ may pinch Bomba, Nap's foot is not in’t).

“I own I’ve scant love for those tatterdemalians.

Who send us our organ-fiends, Northern Italians;

But I must say it caused me a moment’s vexation
To see through the trick of their late annexation.

Yet now the deed’s done, the best course to pursue
Is to register simply that it was a doo.

“ Of the Syrian slaughters I have heard with great grief,
And, with just indignation, have sent quick relief;

'With Austria, and Prussia, and Russia, and Prance
1 have joined, to the Sultan some troops to advance,
Whereby of the Christians the terrors to end,

And the dastardly Druses to Hades to send.

“ Another small matter I have for regret,

Viz.:—My China account is not quite settled yet.

That the Chinese care little for music ’tis clear,

To my overtures lately they turned a deaf ear;

As in harmony, therefore, to live they refuse,

I must see whether discord will long suit their views.

With the French, a few instruments lately I’ve sent,

Which will make these rash Pigtails their deafness repent—•
One or two eighty-pounders, from Armstrong’s dark cave3.
Will rather astonish the minds of the ‘Braves ; ’

And I fancy ere long, as our force there increases,

If she don’t sue for peace you’ll find China in pieces.

“ Coming now to home subjects, I say to your faces,

Your conduct in Parliament quite a disgrace is :

In a jiffy I’ll count up the work that you’ve got done,

Rather longer ’twould take me to tell what you’ve not done.
You have made a Prench Treaty; you’ve voted Supplies;

At legal abuses you’ve had some small shies:

And to show you’re at peace now with all foreign nations.
You’ve passed a small Bill for some fortifications.

You’ve united my forces in India at length,

And I trust that the act will show ‘ Union is Strength: *

Irish landlord and tenant you’ve placed on fair footing.

So I hope we shall hear of no more landlord shooting;

You have smashed party Emblems : and after long trying.
You have saved little children when bleaching from dy(e)ing;
Relief you have granted to Catholic charity,

Which, tho’ Spooner thinks otherwise, is not a rarity;
You’ve amended the law touching banks for Small Savings,
(Still for further amendment I own I’ve great cravings);
Naval Discipline too you have taken in hand,

And made it more easy to get my ships manned :

'The Cat’s the chief hindrance, half an eye can see that;

But more ‘ care ’ for my men must ere long ‘ kill the Cat.’

“ Thus in few words I’ve summed up the year’s legislation
And shown what odd jobs you have done for the nation;

But your strenuous idleness, as I’ve declared,

Has but kept you at work that you well might have spared.
Half the Session, and more than two weeks of the Grouse,
You have wasted in talk of Reforming the House;

While the wisest of measures, there can’t be a doubt of it.
Were to turn all the talkative Members clean out of it!
j Por which sensible hint thank my friend with the hunch,

I need surely not name him—you know I mean Punch !

“Now for pleasanter themes. I am happy to say
That my boy is in Canada making a stay,

And there taking such steps (you have heard of his dancing)
As prove in the right path that he is advancing;

Indeed, such is his conduct, it must be allowed of him,

That his Mother has every right to feel proud of him.

“And not less deserving my high commendation
Is my AYlunteer Army; whose organisation,

Both on leaders and men, hath great credit reflected,

Por they’ve both done their duty, as England expected;

And have made so remote the bare chance of invasion
That no shade of alarm it need henceforth occasion.

“ Now, good-bye ; and go home to your children and wives,
And show them your taste for home comfort survives.

Give an eye to your farms, and your tenants, and neighbours.
And let care for the poor be not least of your labours.

You ’ll not get much shootingthe birds are all drowned;
But the means of rime-slaughter may elsewhere be fouud:

1 There are schools to erect—there are horses to tame—