Punch: Punch (76.1879)

Apbil 5, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 147

THE MARRIAGE MARKET.

Old''Bus-Driver. "Now, there's a lot o' nice Girls in this 'Ouse 'ere o' the off side, Sir. Their 'Ma dresses 'em
out, their 'Pa drives 'em out, and I brings 'em down young Men of a Sunday, you see, and yet they don't seem to go

off, somehow ! "

Thames has always been the pride, &c, &c. No better proof could
be found of the inherent manhood of the English aristocracy than
that afforded by the fact that sixteen young athletes of her great
old Sister Universities should, &c, &e. It has been said that the
midnight lamp is neglected for the midday tubbing, &c, &c. On
the other hand, statistics prove, &c, &c. Because a man can be the
Stroke Oar of his University Eight, or the Captain of his College
Eleven, that is no reason why he should not, &c, &c. So the
captious critics who cry down muscle as the natural antagonist of
brain may yet, &c, &c. Oliver Cromwell, &c, &e. Sir Walter
Raleigh, &c, &c. So the bookish cynic may, &c, &c. Old England
is proud of the thews and sinews of Young England, &c, &c.

At any rate London had no scruples, &c, as the morning broke
and the early toilers, &c, &c. Those who could snatch a holiday
in this busy life of ours, &c, &c. Of course the Ladies mustered,
&e., &c. Blonde sisters with brothers up at Oxford, or brunettes
with cousins at Cambridge, may have regretted, &c, &c. But
for all this, &c, &c, and their eyes, &c, &c, merry laughter, &c,
&c. Even the Houses of the Legislature, &c, &c. Here was one
who, &c, &c. Near him his great rival, &c, &c. Happy for a
day, the thought-worn, &c, &c, who can, &c, &c. Happily the
patriotic contests of St. Stephen's do not clash with the strife at,
&c, &c._ The intelligent foreigner may have lifted up his hands
in astonishment as he noticed, &c, &c._, honour and strength, &c,
&c, manhood and muscle, &c, &c, playing-fields of Eton, &c, &c,
Waterloo, British Empire, &c, &c. The river itself was, &c, &c.
Boats of all sizes, &c, &c. The barges, of course, &c, &c. But
the police are never so popular as when, &c, &c. Before the hour
appointed for, &c, &c, a clear course was, &c, &c. It was not
a little instructive to watch, &c, &c. Law-loving people. Yes,
pessimists may say, &c, &c, but, &c, &c, the Home of Civilisa-
tion and the Wonder of the World!

The critical moment now, &c, &c. A boat had been moored, &c,
&c. The usual question was, &c, &c. Then, in the solemn hush
of, &c, &c, the oars, &c, &c. The enthusiasm, &c, &c. The
scene was, &c, &c. Old Blue athletes, &c, &c. Young Blue
beauties, &c, &c. There was but one opinion, &c, &c.

Off the Soap Works, &c, &c. At Hammersmith Bridge, &c, &c.
Before the leading eight arrived at Chiswick, &c, &c. Here a small
boat, &c, &c. In vain, &c, &c. But they soon, &c, &c. Under
Barnes Bridge they, &c, &c. Here the stroke of the, &c, &c. made
one, &c, &c. Up Mortlake Beach, &c, &c. It was very generally
remarked, &c, &c. A veteran, &c, &c. Then, as the leading boat
dashed past the "Ship," &c, &c, and the all-absorbing event of
the day was decided, &c, &c. The banks of the river, so crowded
an hour ago, &c, &c.

There was nothing left to remind, &c, &c. Blue flag waving, &c,
&c. University Boat-Race of 1879 was a feature of the past, &c,
&c, had added another leaf to her laurels !

PROJECTS SUBMITTED TO PUNCH.

{Political, Protcctional, Philanthropic, and Pedagogic.)

1. Project for giving popular novelists gratuitous instruction
in French and Music.

2. Project for the extermination of all the savage tribes bordering
upon the outlying portions of the British Empire, and their subse-
quent civilisation by the introduction of Christianity and clothing.

3. Project for a universal method by which teachers may be taught
to teach, as soon as an agreement can be arrived at by the projectors,
whether .the capital to be raised for the method shall be invested,

(a) In assorted canes and birches, or,
(/8) In moral influence tracts.

4. Project for compelling railway companies to invent a system of
perpetual motion at an incalculable velocity, capable of being at once
checked by means of an infallible brake, and to_ abolish human
liability to fatigue or oversight, carelessness, or stupidity.

5. Project to maintain the balance of wealth by filling the pockets
of fools who hope to make money with their eyes shut, from the
pockets of fools who have no objection to lose money with their eyes
open, to be realised by the formation of a Commercial Failure Lottery
Company. Capital; eighteen millions, with a carefully devised legal
machinery for making away with assets and destroying dividends.