Punch: Punch (76.1879)

148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 5, 1879.

6. Project for clothing the Negro races out of their own wool, and
at the same time creating a new branch of manufacture. The
Negroes to be driven down to the coast, and sheared at the hatch-
ways of the vessels. The wool to be brought to England, woven,
made up into dress-suits, returned to Africa, and sold to the
Negroes.

Economies.—(1) In cost of raw material; (2) in cost of trans-
port from the interior to the seaboard ; (3) in cost of dye,
as the raw material is of a natural, agreeable, and fast
colour.

Results.—(a) Advance of civilisation by dissemination of the
the nether integuments which are its highest expression;
(6) revival of woollen trade and manufacture.

7. Project for a company to do everybody else's business.

INJYABLE INJIA;

or,

Notes and Sketches of a Specially-Commissioned Artist.

by

FUZZELI PBINCEPS.

Chapter II.

How the Specially-Commissioned received Instructions and went off,
and how every one heard the Report—Arrival in India—First
Adventure.

|||||. op understand
|f||ik your mis-
sion?" said
|||§|$ the Envoy Ex-
Ill" traordinary,
|p- closely scru-
K tinising my
o\. jovial and in-

//S^^^^^S^^^^^^^^^^''^ telligentcoun-

tenance.

Hlf /^^^^^^JRlwSI 1 replied,

|7lyfraU^t

'-'< ^'ThV^Em-
u ^ V\i ^ pire is. to be

proclaimed,"
he resumed.

And with the means at your disposal" (here he pointed to my
sketch-book and box of paints) " you will have admirable opportuni-
ties of ascertaining the sentiments of the populace generally."

"You wish me to draw the natives," I remarked, quietly.

This sent him into convulsions.

On his recovery, I continued—

"I cheerfully accept the mission. In the service of my Imperial
Sovereign toil is a pleasure. Hitherto I have only taken the beards
of natives,' henceforth I will take their heads."

t a v1106 more he was seize(i sucn writhings of laughter that
1 thought there wouldn't have been a single button left on his Court
suit.

In brief, I arranged terms, to which, as a matter of delicacy, I
make no further allusion here, except to say that there was no

promotion money," and that if I am consoled with a baronetcy,
it will be nothing more than is absolutely due to me; and if I

am not, I shall be compelled to make the whole affair public, and ask
whether I have been justly treated. If it's to be an Indian title, I
should choose to be Sir Bal Jam Jhollybhoy, of Punpore. Motto
" Sikh Transits

But to return—or rather to proceed. The terms were arranged—■
so much down on starting, and so much a head afterwards. I was
not to be limited as to heads. Of course, not for one moment did
I expect that any difficulty would ever be raised on a point involv-
ing my character for honesty and veracity, or I should never have
gone.

However, I had been summoned, and when a brave man, and a
man, whose word is his bond, is called out,—noblesse oblige,—he
must go !

Suffice it, that I went.

The day of my departure from London will always be remembered
in the annals of English history, whenever they come to be written
by some competent person.

I stepped on the platform, previous to entering the train, and
made a few short speeches to the guards and porters, who crowded
round to bid me farewell. Then the bells rang out merrily, the
signal was given, there was one despairing shriek—whether from
the engine, or from someone in the crowd who had fainted—(poor
girl!)—I could not stop to inquire. I was away !

" India's mine oyster," I said to myself—(not a bad audience for
a quotation)—" and I'll astonish the Native in his little bed,"

If, in the course of this personal narrative, I am occasionally
obliged to speak of myself, the reader will kindly forgive what is
almost a necessity laid on me by the nature of the case. I deter-
mined to keep a journal, but finding I couldn't keep it, I sent it
away, week by week, to a friend in town, from whom I expected to
receive it entire on my return. Ah! that friend! Eirst, when I
came back, he denied ever having received it at all! But on being
informed that a reward would be given for its discovery, he found
it himself in a secret drawer, and consented to deliver it to my agent,
on condition—first, of my paying the postage, which he declared I
had invariably omitted; secondly, of my reimbursing him for his
trouble in reading and correcting it; thirdly, for its house-room ;
fourthly, the wages of an extra man and a boy kept in his house for
nearly a year, who had to take it by turns to sit up all night, so as
not to miss a post from India ; and fifthly, something for himself.

My agent agreed to these terms, and my own MS. once more came
into my possession.

The reader will find here no thrilling adventures of the chace—
though I was more run after than any Englishman who ever set foot
on Indian soil—and but few camel's-hairbreadth escapes by flood
and field ; though, let me say, in all humility, that what the reader
will find here, of this kind of thing, is far more exciting than the
narratives of the most daring travellers, and—need I add ?—infi-
nitely more trustworthy. Penn went to America—Pencil went to
India. The first was a Quaker ; the latter never quaked in his
life. I am a jolly fellow, a good fellow, a kind, noble, generous,
lion-hearted boy! I have been trained like the hardy Norseman,
whose house of yore was on the stormy sea; and there are few
things I cannot do thoroughly well, though I must apologise for
mentioning these apparently unimportant details. Yet, if I don't,
who will ?

Not to dwell on personal matters, needlessly, I will simply say that
I have seen more of India than any one man ever yet saw who was
unable to be in more than two places at once, or who could not avail
himself of such opportunities as were offered to me of seeing double.

Quod scribblesi, scribblesi—and the terse, emphatic, hearty, im-
pressive, familiar, idiomatic English of my jovial Journal in Injyable
Injia, the reader will find, as it leaves me at present, unimpaired by
time, unpolished by touching-up, unpretentious, unpretending. If,
in telling tales out of school — in my time we were whipped for
teUing tales in school, when we should have been at our lessons —
if, I say, in doing this I have unwittingly offended anybody, no
matter who She be or He be—(a cup of nectar, Hebe, and forgive
yours truly)—I humbly apologise, and hope, as somebody says in
some play or other, that '' no offence will be taken where none was
ever intended."

If I have told how the Bajah of Hellebore poisoned two of his
wives, his kind uncle, and a few relations one morning at break-
fast, and how, subsequently, he himself nearly died of laughing at
the effect of the practical joke on your humble servant (who was
unwell for a week afterwards), I have merely repeated what came
under my own observation, and what was freely talked about in
the society I frequented. Such things as these are not of rare
occurrence, and are scarcely considered a secret. However, should
this Journal reach the Bajah's eyes—bless 'em!—I hereby apologise
and hope he won't mind. He has a strong sense of humour, and
no one ever enjoyed my jokes more than the Bajah of HeUebore.
In the meantime, when he finds that some of his practical jokes have
been made public, he may be encouraged to attempt a more daring
flight of humorous fancy, which may bring him under the notice
of the Imperial Government.