Punch (34.1858)

10

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 2, 1858.

SONE BUT THE BEAVE DESERVE THE FAIR.

Augustus. " Now, I've got you !"

CHRISTMAS WAITS, AT HOME AND ABROAD.

In expressing our opinion that the Waits this year are as numerous as ever, we
intend no allusion to those most unmusical, most melancholy minstrels, who con-
sider themselves privileged at this festive season to infest oar quiet streets in
bands at midnight, and murder sleep and harmony with equal perseverance. In
addition to these annual Great Plagues of London, there are this year among the
Waits chiefly noticeable the following: —

Sir Henry Havelock Waits—upon the nation with his bill for Saving India'
for which the £1000 a-year obtained for him by Mr. Punch is of course to be
regarded merely as the first instalment.

That martyr, Nana Sahib, Waits—to receive some compensation at the hands
of the Calcutta Government—for the loss of reputation, he has recently sustained,
through the libellous attacks of the untagged London press.

Lord Mercator Waits—for a panic, unrelieved by the Suspension of the Bank
Act, which shall "clear the atmosphere of commerce by the irretrievable ruin"
of almost any number, excepting Number One.

Mr. Brunel Waits—for that high tide in the Thames, which, taken at the flood,
shall float the weight of the Leviathan off his mind and off the mud.

The English Working-Classes Wait (in spite of Mr. Cox and his dread of
Lord Wat Tyler)—for a Sanitary Act to prevent the use of pigsties as human
habitations.

Generous King Bomba Waits—for every opportunity to show that his kind
treatment of the English engineers on board the Scagliari forms no exception to
the general rule of hospitality to foreigners who visit him.

All friends of India Wait—to see the weight of Government removed from the
leaden Leadenhallers.

Mr. Disraeli Waits—to show by his expertness in all figures of speech that
he is the right man for a place in the Exchequer.

The poor dear Sepoys Wait - to get the pensions they are naturally expecting
from the Company, for the injuries inflicted on them by that monster Havelock.

Our enterprising Over-Traders Wait—for better banking facilities, to enable
them to do more business and more creditors.

Suffering Belgravians and ear-pierced Britons generally Wait—to be freed from
the grinding tyranny of organ-grinders.

Finally, the House of Commons Wait-for the Spring, which may enable them
to see in what direction the Reform Cat is to jump.

FOREIGN COUNTS AND NATIVE
NINNIES.

You ladies of the verdant class,

Soft, sentimental souls,
Beware of foreign snobs, who pass

For noble exded Poles.
Oh ! dote not on their raven hair,

Their lean and hungry maws,
Their bushy chins, their tragic air,

And sallow lantern jaws.

Trust not the rank impostor's tale.

N o patriot was he,
Whose luckless fate it was to fail

In some conspiracy—
Your Count, who bears upon his head

That rich luxuriant mop,
The mill of penance soon will tread,

And sport the County crop.

The heart beneath that seedy vest,

But not beneath a shirt,
With sordid feelings is possessed,

Well matched with outer dirt.
He wants your money, not your hand,

In seeking you for wife.
He rather, durst he, would demand .

Your money, or your life.

Count, indeed!—count your spoons when he

Has been to make a call:
And very fortunate you '11 be

If you shall find them all.
But better were it with your plate

The fellow should depart,
Than in his power get your estate,

By stealing, first, your heart.

You ladies of a certain age,

Especially take heed,
And don't in wedlock's bonds engage

With counts of foreign breed.
The only object in the view

Of all those rogues is pelf.
Rather than let them marry you,

Remain upon the shelf.

TEETH AND KNIVES.

Alderman Challis, on mention being made at an
Aldermanic meeting of the intended Reform Bill for the
Corporation of London, burst out with the enthusiastic
hope that the said Corporation would resist the bill "not
only to the teeth, but to the knife."

As for the teeth, one can understand that. The City has
shown its teeth often enough, and with success, again
reform, and is now doing it again. This time, however, the
display of teeth will probably be of the kind called " gnash-
ing," which is usually the result of rage at total defeat.

But, in the name of all that is English, what does this
man Challis mean by " the knife ? " Does he propose that
when Sir George Grey lays the bill on the table of the
House, somebody shall stab him ? Or are the Aldermen to
lay in wait near the Tellers, and kill the Members who vote
for the bill ? Or are Ministerial Peers to be murdered ? Or
when the Clerk of the Lords is about to say, La reine le
veut, is a Rodgers's blade to be sent into him, and stretch
him on the obnoxious measure ? In what other way is the
"knife" to resist the bill?

Failing to receive a satisfactory answer to these questions,
Mr. Punch will take the liberty of asking one more:—

Is not Alderman Challis an awful Donkey ?

Chemical Fact Familiarised.

It has been discovered that bread can be manufactured
out of wood. Long before this discovery was made, all
wood was known to have a grain in it.

Contribution to Social Science.—A bagman would
not necessarily be eligible to the Travellers' Club.