Punch (34.1858)

Jcse 12, 1858.]

233

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

T a meeting of the Westminster Preceptory,
on Monday, May 31, Isaac of York
being once more introduced, the Tem-
plar Lucan de Laleham propounded a
notable scheme for getting rid of the
Mescroyant for ever. The good knight
suggested that the door of the Upper
Chamber should be kept shut, closely as
heretofore, against the Mosaic proboscis;
but that the Knights should give their
gracious sanction to the Squires, who sit
in the Lower Chamber, to admit thereto
Jew, Turk, Infidel, or Heretick, as they
might please. This logical device, whereby
one part of the legislative machine, refusing
to be itself " un-christianised," should de-
clare that there was no harm in un christi-
anising another part, did startle some and
pleass others, and by the whole body was considered too novel and
LEnpocteat a project to be hastily discussed. So the Peers insisted on
tketr sineiiilitients, which slay the Jew Bill. It is slain. But it is
thought that Lord Lyndhtjrst, after duly invoking the great god
Janus, wifl. pour out this libation of half-and-half to the still greater
deifey Compromise.

Ln the Commons our friend Pam, by no means satisfied with our
friend Johnny's feeble attack upon our friend Ben for the Slough
(bat not of Despond) speech, did make an onslaught of his own
upon Benjamin, declaring that the. late Ministry had not nearly
got Lata war with Prance, had not tried to embroil the Sar-
dines ia Neapolitan macaroni, had not advocated massacre
ia India, and had not acted like a Cabal. Also he taunted Mr. Dis-
raeli: with having written articles in the Press newspaper, in order to
ttetp hieiself up in the world. [By the way, this last charge was uot
befitting Pam, and Punch has written to Mr. Panizzi for a copy of
a cectaia work called the New Whig Guide, whereof more anon.]
Benjamin was armed and ready, and dashed at Pam with much
pluck, likening himself to M. de Pene, who, haying defeated one
enemy, was immediately set upon by another of terrible reputation, an
uTustt&tiou more pungent than proper, considering circumstances ; but
then the Examiner newspaper had just likened Ben himself to Spollen,
the Irishman who was not hanged for murdering Mr. Little, so that
the WTs%s had given Ben provocation to use hard words. He rather
juggled his answers to Pam's allegations, and. except that the whole
triangular duel still waging between Tories, Whigs, and Liberals, is a
mere Faction-Fight, in which all weapons are equally fair—or foul,
Mr. Pmttck would feel it his duty to belabour all and sundry of the
belligerents. The row was kept up for some time, and, when every-
body was tired, most of the Members went off, and the others set to
work ta vote away money.

Taewkaf, June 1st The Opposition Lords, Clarendon and Gran-
ville, how saw fit to have a go in at the Slough Speech, but Lord
Derby stood up for his Chancellor oe the Exchequer, and proved
that there could be no objection to Ben's talking foolishly after dinner
at Sioagh, inasmuch as Lopd Palmerston some time ago talked
foolishly after dinner at the Reform Club. This was convincing, and
the matter ended.

Terrible news astounded the Commons. The island of Jersey is
recalcitrant, and though it has not actually threatened England with
an invasion, we should do well to be prepared, as with America and
Jersey against us, things might look badly. England humbly pro

Roebuck took up the Suez Canal business, and urged that we ought
not to instigate the Sultan to resist it. 290 thought otherwise, to
62 Boebuckians.

Wednesday. Washington Whelks was let out, on his retracting all
that he had published against Mr. Clive, against whom, however, Mr.
Denison, the barrister, has brought a deliberate charge of " partiality "
in the matter of the railway. Whilks has merely been made a cat's-
paw, but has laudably availed himself of his imprisonment to scribble
himself into the honours of a small martyrdom.

Mr. Cowper's Medical Reform Bill was read a second time. Mr.
Punch intends to move a clause empowering a Magistrate to order any
Advertising Quack to be Hogged, and branded with a Q. Nothing
short of this will stop the murderous system of these heartless traders
in misfortune. To be sure, Mr. Punch has branded a good many of
them, to their great and malignant wrath, and is heating some irons to
repeat the operation.

The bill for abolishing the Property Qualification for an M. P. was
warmly supported by those ferocious Chartists the Derbyites, and 222
voted against 109 for going again into committee. The bill, during
the week, was passed, and taken to the Lords. Mr. Ernest Jones, in
an ecstacy of delight sent to ask the Earl op Derby to tea next
day, and but that it happened to be the Ascot day, that nobleman
would have accepted the invitation with much pleasure.

Thursday. Nothing particular, except a rather amusing speech ot
Mr. Horsman, late Irish Secretary, who was very sarcastic upon the
knot of Irish Members who call themselves Independent, and with
whom, he said, lie never had held communication, except in writing,
for fear they should tell falsehoods, afterwards, as to what had passed.
Mr. M'Mahon, in reply, abstained from harsh language, and merely
abused Horsman, as an incapable humbug and a baffled place hunter.

Supply again. Mr. Punch has received a heap of letters, pestering
him to interfere between Mr. Eitzroy and the Members of Parlia-
ment. Fitzroy, whose business it is to read the items in the
Estimates, gallops and gabbles at such a rate that, before anybody can
posed fco*krp7ove'thTTd^ ! challenge a particular sum, F. has passed it, and gone on to the next,

seems that justice, and police, and other luxuries, are of the worst ^ ,^nch Jast mentlonsthis for Fitz ei information :—if it were
quality. Jersey haughtily rejected the proposal-and England is Mr- F- s own case> and Fitzroy, or the Speaker himself were to

powerless. To be sure there was a notion of sending a couple of
palisemeii ta coerce the ridiculous island into submission, but Mr.
Walpqxe shudders at a coup d'etat, and Jersey remains unreformed
and itEsnenitent.

The «tos£ impertinent thing that ever was perpetrated by civilians
against the mQingtary was done to-night. Ex-Captain Vivian
act ually proposed, and was aided by 105 other Members to carry his
proposition, that the Horse Guards, as an Authority, should be done
*«ray, and its jurisdiction given to the Secretary-at-War. The fury of
the mdingtary clubs was too dreadful to be described, and all the
following afternoon people thought there was a review in the park,
ceas it was only the Old Officers swearing out of window in Pall
Ma?L Such a demonstration could not be overlooked, and the Govern-
ment hastened to announce on Thursday that as Vivian's majority had
been very smail (only 2) and the subject was very big, nothing should
toe done ia consequence of the vote. Perhaps Lord Derby will be
good enough to issue a sort of Parliamentary tariff, and let us know
wfeafcnumber of Members, under his Improved British Constitution,
fee will permit to have weight with an administration.

Vol. 31.

presume to try to dispose of a subject before Mr. Punch bad quite
done with it, Mr. Punch would simply snatch the paper from the
impertinent official, and sit upon it, until he had concluded all he had
to say, and would then probably restore it with a whack on the head,
by way of a slight testimony of respect and esteem.

Friday. Lord Derby introduced a Poisons Bill. It may have a
limited beneficial effect, but while Two Millions of people in London
are living over a far worse poison than an Apothecary can sell, and are
inhaling it day by day until they are killed (see the last report of the
Registrar-General), these tiny measures are child's play. Cleanse the
Thames, the stench whereof, this last beautiful week, has been per-
fectly Loathsome, and carry out a system of Sewage, and then attack
the chemist's shops. How long is London to be poisoued because a
ridiculous Vestry will not act, or allow any one else to do so. And
why does not Benjamin Hall take advantage of his leisure to Scrunch
that nuisance of his.

Question being made about China, answer was given, that Lord
Elgin had been ordered to do his best, and look sharp about it.

Then was done one of the meanest things ever heard of. It is well