DOI Heft:
January 9, 1858
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16621#0019
January 9, 1858.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Il
SINGULAR DELUSION.
(A Small Story of the Suburbs.)
^ellington Tootal is the so-
berest of men. However, his
wife did accuse him one day last
week of having exceeded his
usual bounds of sobriety. The
fact is, Me. Tootal had come
home at the un-Gower-Street-
hour of One. His step was as
heavy as a policeman's—his talk
was thick, like that of a man
eating soup in a hurry at a rail-
way-station, and talking through
it. He confessed he had dined,
and had been afterwards to the
theatre, and that was about as
much as could be picked out of
his confession. The next morn-
ing, at the breakfast-table, his
wife repeated her accusations.
Mr. Tootal looked quietly, and
his eyes began to study the pat-
tern of the carpet: " Well, do
you know, my dear," he said,
after a few minutes' penitence,
" 1 think myself I must have
been rather queer. Now that I
look back, I recollect I went to
Drury Lane, to see the panto-
mime, and I have a vivid im-
pression that I saw two Clowns,
and two Pantaloons—yes, and I
have the strongest recollection
of having seen two Columbines also, and tico Harlequins as well—and, in fact, if I mistake
not, I saw two of nearly every character." This was sufficient. Mb,. Tootal was con-
demned, by his own evidence. His wife declared emphatically that, "It was very clear
from his own confession that he must have been
in that filthy state when a man sees double ; and
she would take very good care that for the future
he never went out dining by himself alone
again ! " Me. Tootal was dumfounded. He
still labours under the belief, inasmuch as his
vision that evening was seemingly multiplied
by two, that he must have been "very bad,
indeed." If it is any relief to Mb.. Tootal's
feelings, we beg to assure him that his character
for sobriety is perfectly unimpaired, for to have
seen double, he must have seen not less than
four Clowns, four Columbines, four Pantaloons,
and four of every character, for the simple reason
that the Harlequinade is done this year, as a
dramatic author would say, en partie double.
DIRECTIONS FOR CARVING.
How to Carve youb Fortune.—Cut your
poor relations, and slice away as deeply as you
can into the pockets of others. Help yourself
always first, before you think of helping anybody
else, and help no man that is not likely to help
you in return. Be careful about forking out,
until you have secured as much as, if not more
than, you want.
How to Carve your Way through a
Crowd.—Get a chimney-sweep to walk before
you.
How to Carve Yourself a Name.—Fine
chiselling will do it, so that your name, in a
short time, will figure very largely in all the
police reports.
The Best Way of Carving a Goose.—Cut
him up finely, in the presence of his lady-
love.
CHANT OE THE EXPIRING ECCLESIASTICAL
COURT.
Next Monday, the Eleventh instant, we are doomed to cease and
determine,
In our official character having been decided to be no better than a set
of legal vermin;
The New Court of Probate Act will then come into operation,
And we shall be sent about our business, but, thank Parliament, not
without some Compensation;
Compensation, Compensation,
For the practice we shall lose they allow us Compensation,
A certain Compensation.
It is as clear as daylight that we shouldn't have a leg
To stand upon respectably, and should be reduced either to starve
or beg;
Or put up with Workhouse fare, and live in a state of separation,
A mensd et thoro, if we had n't to receive any Compensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
We should all be regular paupers if we didn't get Compensation,
A moderate Compensation.
You soon would see us in the streets, with doleful looks, in vesture
seedy,
On Monday Hilary Term begins, but if on that day we were to be
forced to cease from winning
Our bread, the term of Hilary, would inspire our breasts with a feeling
quite the reverse of hilarity in then beginning;
How much good then those must perform who, like us, win their bread
by litigation,
That they alone, when they are thrown out of work, are shown so high
a degree of consideration as they receive in Compensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
In being awarded Compensation,
Munificent Compensation.
Sir,
A WILD MAN.
" Mr. Commissioner Phillips uttered a dictum on Friday,
January the first, which will give small satisfaction to persons of the
tailoring persuasion, but a good deal to those who are bothered by
their smarter friends for 'not paying sufficient attention to dress.'
" He declared that his experience in insolvency had taught him,
whenever he saw a well-dressed man, to look on him as ' a past or
future insolvent.'
"Mr. Phillips is a very sensible man. And now I hope, Sir, that
I shall be let alone.
" I am an ill-dressed man, and I mean to keep so, and I like it. It
Singing^alm-tunes about, to say that we were destitute and needy, |is nf.that 1 am without the means of dressing smartly, for I have a
And though ashamed to appear before you, our Christian friends, in : S°<?d ,1,nc?mei and excellent credit but I positively dislike new clothes
that disgraceful situation anc* au ne trouble they cause. And now, tortured by the rHiLLiPS
By want of employment were compelled to appeal for Compensation, \ dictum I beg to say most distinctly that it is of no use for any of my
Compensation, Compensation, swell friends to hint to me that I am careless. I will wear my
And trusted you would bestow on us a trifle of Compensation, browned old coat with frayed cuffs, and I will not have a new hat and
Charitable Compensation. I J. Wl11 »°* iavxe m1 crumpled hat-band ironed out, and I will not have
the other buttons sewn on my boots, and I like my Irock-coat to curl
up at the corners, and I choose to keep the pocket-lining torn, because
I can let the things put in slip down, and so can carry any quantity,
and I intend to wear my warped and bulgy trowsers until Easter.
" 1 send you £5 for the poor's box, and remain
Wearing white aprons with intent your pity to excite and waken,
For those old porters, at our gate who touting stand, we should be taken,
And then, supposed to be those bores, we should be met with
execration ;
Instead of receiving at your hands the smallest amount of Com-
pensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
At 'least we shouldn't get anything like our present rate of Com-
pensation,
Of public Compensation.
" Yours truly,
" A British Sloven."
[Our correspondent is evidently insane. What have we to do with
his dress, or with the poor's box. His money lies at the office, and
will be given to any applicant with wi'd eyes and straws in his hair.,'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Il
SINGULAR DELUSION.
(A Small Story of the Suburbs.)
^ellington Tootal is the so-
berest of men. However, his
wife did accuse him one day last
week of having exceeded his
usual bounds of sobriety. The
fact is, Me. Tootal had come
home at the un-Gower-Street-
hour of One. His step was as
heavy as a policeman's—his talk
was thick, like that of a man
eating soup in a hurry at a rail-
way-station, and talking through
it. He confessed he had dined,
and had been afterwards to the
theatre, and that was about as
much as could be picked out of
his confession. The next morn-
ing, at the breakfast-table, his
wife repeated her accusations.
Mr. Tootal looked quietly, and
his eyes began to study the pat-
tern of the carpet: " Well, do
you know, my dear," he said,
after a few minutes' penitence,
" 1 think myself I must have
been rather queer. Now that I
look back, I recollect I went to
Drury Lane, to see the panto-
mime, and I have a vivid im-
pression that I saw two Clowns,
and two Pantaloons—yes, and I
have the strongest recollection
of having seen two Columbines also, and tico Harlequins as well—and, in fact, if I mistake
not, I saw two of nearly every character." This was sufficient. Mb,. Tootal was con-
demned, by his own evidence. His wife declared emphatically that, "It was very clear
from his own confession that he must have been
in that filthy state when a man sees double ; and
she would take very good care that for the future
he never went out dining by himself alone
again ! " Me. Tootal was dumfounded. He
still labours under the belief, inasmuch as his
vision that evening was seemingly multiplied
by two, that he must have been "very bad,
indeed." If it is any relief to Mb.. Tootal's
feelings, we beg to assure him that his character
for sobriety is perfectly unimpaired, for to have
seen double, he must have seen not less than
four Clowns, four Columbines, four Pantaloons,
and four of every character, for the simple reason
that the Harlequinade is done this year, as a
dramatic author would say, en partie double.
DIRECTIONS FOR CARVING.
How to Carve youb Fortune.—Cut your
poor relations, and slice away as deeply as you
can into the pockets of others. Help yourself
always first, before you think of helping anybody
else, and help no man that is not likely to help
you in return. Be careful about forking out,
until you have secured as much as, if not more
than, you want.
How to Carve your Way through a
Crowd.—Get a chimney-sweep to walk before
you.
How to Carve Yourself a Name.—Fine
chiselling will do it, so that your name, in a
short time, will figure very largely in all the
police reports.
The Best Way of Carving a Goose.—Cut
him up finely, in the presence of his lady-
love.
CHANT OE THE EXPIRING ECCLESIASTICAL
COURT.
Next Monday, the Eleventh instant, we are doomed to cease and
determine,
In our official character having been decided to be no better than a set
of legal vermin;
The New Court of Probate Act will then come into operation,
And we shall be sent about our business, but, thank Parliament, not
without some Compensation;
Compensation, Compensation,
For the practice we shall lose they allow us Compensation,
A certain Compensation.
It is as clear as daylight that we shouldn't have a leg
To stand upon respectably, and should be reduced either to starve
or beg;
Or put up with Workhouse fare, and live in a state of separation,
A mensd et thoro, if we had n't to receive any Compensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
We should all be regular paupers if we didn't get Compensation,
A moderate Compensation.
You soon would see us in the streets, with doleful looks, in vesture
seedy,
On Monday Hilary Term begins, but if on that day we were to be
forced to cease from winning
Our bread, the term of Hilary, would inspire our breasts with a feeling
quite the reverse of hilarity in then beginning;
How much good then those must perform who, like us, win their bread
by litigation,
That they alone, when they are thrown out of work, are shown so high
a degree of consideration as they receive in Compensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
In being awarded Compensation,
Munificent Compensation.
Sir,
A WILD MAN.
" Mr. Commissioner Phillips uttered a dictum on Friday,
January the first, which will give small satisfaction to persons of the
tailoring persuasion, but a good deal to those who are bothered by
their smarter friends for 'not paying sufficient attention to dress.'
" He declared that his experience in insolvency had taught him,
whenever he saw a well-dressed man, to look on him as ' a past or
future insolvent.'
"Mr. Phillips is a very sensible man. And now I hope, Sir, that
I shall be let alone.
" I am an ill-dressed man, and I mean to keep so, and I like it. It
Singing^alm-tunes about, to say that we were destitute and needy, |is nf.that 1 am without the means of dressing smartly, for I have a
And though ashamed to appear before you, our Christian friends, in : S°<?d ,1,nc?mei and excellent credit but I positively dislike new clothes
that disgraceful situation anc* au ne trouble they cause. And now, tortured by the rHiLLiPS
By want of employment were compelled to appeal for Compensation, \ dictum I beg to say most distinctly that it is of no use for any of my
Compensation, Compensation, swell friends to hint to me that I am careless. I will wear my
And trusted you would bestow on us a trifle of Compensation, browned old coat with frayed cuffs, and I will not have a new hat and
Charitable Compensation. I J. Wl11 »°* iavxe m1 crumpled hat-band ironed out, and I will not have
the other buttons sewn on my boots, and I like my Irock-coat to curl
up at the corners, and I choose to keep the pocket-lining torn, because
I can let the things put in slip down, and so can carry any quantity,
and I intend to wear my warped and bulgy trowsers until Easter.
" 1 send you £5 for the poor's box, and remain
Wearing white aprons with intent your pity to excite and waken,
For those old porters, at our gate who touting stand, we should be taken,
And then, supposed to be those bores, we should be met with
execration ;
Instead of receiving at your hands the smallest amount of Com-
pensation,
Compensation, Compensation,
At 'least we shouldn't get anything like our present rate of Com-
pensation,
Of public Compensation.
" Yours truly,
" A British Sloven."
[Our correspondent is evidently insane. What have we to do with
his dress, or with the poor's box. His money lies at the office, and
will be given to any applicant with wi'd eyes and straws in his hair.,'