Punch (34.1858)

12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 0, 1858.

REFORM YOUR ALMANACKS.

In a song: rather popular some years ago, a gentleman used to pay
this filial tribute to the talent of his departed parent:—

" O, feyther had a jolly knack
Of cooking up an Almanack."

The lines occurred to Mr. Punch as he was consulting a batch of
Almanacks the other day, and he expressed a wish that the accom
plished Almanack-maker commemorated in the song were alive and up
to work. For everybody makes Almanacks now, and with very few
exceptions, they are all stupid affairs. The Meteor which appeared to
announce the publication of Mr. Punch's Own, and about which so
many letters were written by astounded sky-gazers, was a very appro
priate tribute to the single work of the kind that can be pronounced
perfect. But though perfection is not to be expected elsewhere than at
85, Fleet Street, why need a thousand calendar-makers do their work
so badly?

What is the use of sticking against certain dates, that Horne
Tooke died—that Barbarossa was born—that Partridge Shootin^
begins—that the Battle of Ravenna was fought—that Pickles were
invented—that Cicero was murdered—that Garrick appeared—thai
the Granicus was crossed—that the Monument was finished—and so
forth ? Two-thirds of the dates which are usually commemorated
nobody cares about, except those who will not be satisfied with such a
barren record. Next, the jumble of things makes these memoranda
more absurd, for the person who cares about Barbarossa does not
care either for Garrick or pickles, and the Garrick fancier is not
likely to be much interested in the Battle of Ravenna. As for the
sporting entries, they are simply idiotic. What sportsman needs to
be told when he may blaze at grouse, and when at pheasant? And
who else wants to know anything about the matter?
THE BANK SUSPENSION ACT. Instead of a ridiculous mixture of uselessnesses and incongruities,

whv not have Class Almanacks ? Let everybody have his record of
" Veil, Mister Scrubby, you surprises me! Refuse to discount your hill at matters appertaining to his own sphere. Don't tell the burglar when
six months! Arter that, 1 wants to know, what is the use of the Bank of | ^artin Luther was born; don't tell the lawyer about Howard the

Hengland \

THE FIRST ARTICLE OE A YOUNG LADY.

We have received the following communication from ayoung lady,
who assures us it is her maiden production. We give it insertion for
two reasons—firstly, by way of encouragement ; and secondly, because
the young lady is excessively pretty. The second reason is so good of
itself, that, on second thoughts, we do not see what necessity there
was to mention the first. However, to business :—

"We see (it is the young lady who sees) that the Paris corre-
spondent of the Times mentions having ' received a letter from the
Banks of the Danube.' Are we to take this au pied (Je la lettre, or
au courant, or littoraliy? We were not aware that river-banks ever
corresponded with each other, except by means of a ferry or a barge.
It is probable that when about to indite a letter to their Parisian
friend, the banks of the Danube use their reeds in Eastern fashion,
and treat the Black Sea for their inkstand. The paper they write on
is of course ' the best Bath,' only distinguished with a water-mark :
and the style of the letters is doubtlessly flowing, though here and
there somewhat muddy and obscure. We should say that the news
was derived from the brightest sources, but included also all floating
rumours, besides taking in the various idle echoes that murmur
incessantly about the place. When the banks have finished their
letter, fine river-sand dries the writing; and, as for a seal—why the
seal is unquestionably supplied from its native haunts in the stream."

We should be sorry to spoil the effect of the above, or else we might
venture to observe, that when the banks wanted to enter into corre-
spondence, they probably got some passing fisherman to drop them
first a line. It strikes us, however, that our stupid suggestion is only
an impertinence, for which, not wishing to be ungrateful, we beg to
apologise to our Young Lady. In the name of our readers, we take
the liberty of congratulating her on her first appearance in any print.
It is a most successful debut. Might we ask, if she is open to an
engagement ? .

philanthropist; and don't remind an honest man and woman of the
execution of the Mannings. But let us have Almanacks prepared
in this fashion, and then folks can please themselves. Here are
specimen weeks:—

-r

TheTicket-of-Leave Man's Almanack

The Young Lady's Almanack,

Tu. 14. St. Valentine.
W. 15. Polka invented.
Th. 16. Cellarius born.
Fr. 17. Crinoline came in.
8a. 18. Mario first appeared. I Su. 5. Tawell capt

Su. 19. New bonnet usual. Mo. 6. Thurtell h.

Mo. 20. Doctors' Commons abol. Tu. 7. Corder h.

W. 1. Rush h.

Th. 2. Greenacre h.

Fr. 3. Barthelemy h.

Sa. 4. Courvoisier h.

THE COMPRESSIONS EOLLY.

We notice a book advertised under the title of the " History of Court
Fools," The subject is a rich one, but to our great surprise we find the
subject compressed into one short volume. With such an abundance
of material, we should have thought that there would have been matter
more than sufficient to fill twenty volumes. It is an endless, towering
theme, and we hardly think Dr. Doran has behaved generously to it,
in dwarfing it down into such very pigmy proportions. It is very
clear that the book, from its extreme smallness, cannot take in any of
the "Court Fools" of the present day.

The Lawyer's Almanack.

Th. 1. Rogue's March composed.

Fr. 2. Criminal's Couusel allowed to
plead.

Sa. 3. Botany Bay discovered.

Su. 4. Oily Gammon d.

Mo 5. Statute of Frauds passed.

Tu. 6. Pillory abolished.

W. 7. Snap struck off rolls.

The Wife's Almanack.

W. 3. Buttons invented.

Th. 4. Cold mutton discovered.

Fk. 5. Mother-in-law prohibited.

Sa. 6. Latch-keys first used.

Su. 7. Church clock before ready,

10 min. 30 sec.
Mo. 8. Howell discovered James.
Tu. 9. Swan first met Edgar.

The Real Soldier's Almanack.

Sa. 14. Havelock b.

Su. 15. Wellington b.

Mo. 16. Picton d.

Tu. 17. Raglan d.

W. 18. Wolfe d.

Th. 19. Abercrombie b.

Fr. 20. Hill b.

The Toy Soldier's Almanack.

Su. 11. Blackwall dinners begin.

Mo. 12. Tattersall's rebuilt.

Tu. 13. Opera opens.

W. 14. Casinos close.

Th. 15. Discount rises to £60 percent

Fr. 16. Duty laid on tobacco.

Sa. 17. Pale ale came in.

The Author's Almanack.

Mo. 13. Magazine article due.

Tu. 14. Sea air pleasant.

W. 15. Bushy Chesnuts out.

Th. 16. Sciiblerus d. of overexertion.

Fr. 17. Napoleon shot a publisher.

Sa. 18. Last day for Magazine art.

Su. 19. Begin Magazine ^article.

The M. P.'s Almanack.

Fr. 1. Pitt got tipsy.

Sa. 2. Fox got tipsy.

Su. 3. Castlereagh bit Canning.

Mo. 4. Sadlier expelled.

Tu. 5. Althorp taken into custody

W. 6. Bribery Act passed.

Th. 7. Disraeli spoke 5 hours.

Mr. Punch begs to add that he reserves no copyright in these inven
tions, but places them at the service of the Almanack-making popu
lation, and he will be much disgusted if the Calendars of 1859 are not
a marked improvement upon those of the present year.

Association of Ideas

Who can witness the representation of Don Giovanni, and listen
to the tremendous music which accompanies the appearance of the
statue in the last scene, without being reminded by the marble visitor
of the celebrated African traveller, Dr. Livingstone ?