Punch (34.1858)

92

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 6, 1853

PASSPORTS POR HOME TRAVELLERS.

he extreme length
to which the Pass-
port System has
just been carried
in France, has oc-
casioned the adop-
tion of a species
of passports to
be contemplated
in this country.
These passports,
however, are in-
tended to counter-
vail the French,
and they will not
be introduced by
any measure of the
Government. They
will be altogether of popular and commercial origin. Their form will be
that of cheap railway tickets, enabling the holder to travel, without
paying any additional fare, over the most picturesque, romantic, and
interesting districts of the United Kingdom: as Devonshire, _ Derby-
shire, the Lakes, and so forth. Their cheapness will be provided for
by a general subscription of British hotel keepers and tradesmen.

It is felt that the enormous and intolerable trouble, or rather the
almost entire impossibility of procuring passports for France any
longer, will practically oblige English travellers to abandon, for the
present, any idea whatever of visiting that country. This circum-
stance, together with that of the miserable and wretched state of the
enslaved and priest-ridden Continent generally, will compel our
adventurous countrymen to fall back on their native land, and to
gratify their love of travel by exploring its scenery, which, taken
altogether, is as well worth seeing as any other in the world, and than
which there is none that can be seen more comfortably. To create
facilities in aid of the movements of the domestic tourists, will be well
worth the while of those whom they will spend money among, instead
of squandering it abroad. Hence our neighbours will derive a useful,
if not a profitable lesson, and our British passports will further teach
them on what principle a Passport System ought to be based ; that of
promoting intercommunication as much as possible, instead of
endeavouring to impede progress.

IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

the earl of d-t. lord st-y.

Lord 1). You have been looking over my list of Ministers—my
Correct Card—and I do not observe, Edward, that expression of
lively satisfaction which good news should impart to the countenance
of the philanthropist.

Lord S. My dear father, there is cert ainly a good deal to be said for
these persons—for some of them at least. Yes, on looking again, 1
may observe, unhesitatingly, that there is nothing to be said against
several of them.

Lord D. [laughing). Then don't look any more, please, if looking
sets you on that sliding scale of praise. 1 am sure that I have made
a very good Cabinet.

Lord S. The very best that can be made out of our materials.

Lord L). A much better than the one which you Gentlemen of the
Commons have been pleased to kick over ? To begin, there is a better
Premier, eh ?

Lord S. (laughing). Of course, my dear father, an English Earl is
better than an Irish Viscount. But, filial admiration apart, there can
be no doubt that in several of your appointments the country gets the
services of better men than the last.

Lord D. My Chancellor, besides being one of the most popular men
in London, is surely an improvement on Lord Cranmother.

Lord S. He knows nothing of Cliancery, and he hates the Jews.

Lord I). Both virtues, in their way. Well then, Ellenborough
succeeds Mr. Vernon Smith.

Lord S. How good Dr. Johnson is in the Rejected Addresses, about
the " half-reasoning " Elephant, parent of combs.

Lord D. Nelly will do nothing bv halves, you irreverent fellow.
And is not Paeington a better First Lord than Sir Charles Wood ?

LordS. Sir John is a first-rate man, and has given me two sur-
prises • first, that he should take the Admiralty, and secondly, that he
should take anything.

_ Lord D. Entre nous, I thought he would have made a waiting race of
it, but that's his business. He disqualifies himself from some other
running which people supposed he would have made. So be it. Now,
instead of your namesake there's Henley.
Lord S. " Humbleby Grtjmbleby's grave as an owl:
All the day long he docs nothing but growi."

A very good man of business, though he is not likely to be confounded
in history with Orator Henley.

Lord. D. I had a great mind to ofTer him Ben Hall's department,
only folks would call him Henley-on-Thames.

Lord S. And so John Manners is to cleanse the Thames. I know
one way in which he '11 never do it.

Lord D. By setting it on fire, eh? No. But if things go right, I
mean to give him a good start into popularity. Ben Hall has made a
Park for the people, and stuck up a bridge with a toll to keep them
out of it. Johnny shall pitch the tolls over.

Lord S. Allow me to congratulate you on your Privy Seal.

Lord D. Well, he is a Bear-Admiral, and he is not Clanricarde. I
don't know much else to be said for Hardwicke.

Lord S. Walpole for Grey.

Lord D. Ceteris paribus—which we may say they are—Walpole is
one of us. Great grandfather an Earl, mother an Earl's daughter.

Lord S. But Sir George is an Earl's nephew, and the family dates
back to the twelfth century, if honours count at a round game.

Lord D. Oh, highly respectable of course. But everybody likes
Walpole, and nobody likes t'other man. I mustn't make any jokes
before Walpole though, or he'll be incorporating them into Acts of
Parliament, as he did about my proposing to give votes to militia men.

Lord S. There was no choice for you, in the case of your Foreign Minis-
ter, but that's about the worst in the whole list. Malmesbury is believed
by the public to have the most abject veneration for Continental despots.

Lord D. And Palme rston was believed by the public to have the
most fervid hatred for Continental despots.

Lord S. Perhaps you'll pardon my saying, my dear father, that the
answer is one of those exceedingly neat ones which are far too clever
to be convincing.

Lord D. Well, then, I '11 tell you. Malmesbery has not a quarter
of Clarendon's brains, and he is preternaturally proud of being
patted on the head by his betters. But he is an honest fellow, and
very humble to me. People shouldn't abuse him.

Lord S. 1 never heard anybody ascend to abuse him—but he is one
of our necessities, let him pass. General Peel for Lord Panmure ?

Lord D. Wall, I calculate Brother Jonathan aint no green hand,
and can fix things almighty smart when he likes tew. Yes, Sir-ee.

LordS. Youimitate the Americans excellently, my dear father, andit is
lucky, for one of these days you will have to imitate them a little more.

Lord D. Church rates and so on, eh ? Well, when the time comes
I hope I shall be up to my work. Who bowled over ten Irish bishops
at a go, my boy ? That was bowling worthy the American Alley, I
flatter myself.

LordS. Fitzroy Kelly instead of Bethell is heavy against us—
apple-pips for pearls.

Lord D. Yes, almost, but then the pearls used to come as if the
giver felt he was casting them before swine. Now, our man's very
civil and agreeable, and nearly persuades people that his pips come out
of the fruit of the tree of knowledge.

Lord S. And Cairns is worth a good many of Keating—I don't
know whether the latter makes the cough lozenges that bear his name,
but he certainly makes his audience want them.

Lord D. Well, Eglinton will be liked in Ireland—he's n bit of a sham,
but he goes to do sham work—tilting, as he did at his Astley-Circus busi-
ness, with lances half sawn through. Isn't he better than Carlisle ?

LordS. Better-looking, anyhow. Colchester for the Duke of
Argyle at the Post-Office.

Lord D. Yes. I said that India was the place for Colchester, as
he would feel paternally towards the Natives ; but he would neither
laugh nor go. He's another Ilear-Admiral—I put 'em everywhere but
at the Admiralty.

Lord S. As I said, there are several changes for the better, and if
that had anything to do with the stability of the Cabinet, it would, as
you said, be matter for philanthropic exultation.

Lord D. Why, my dear Edward, if the Cabinet stands, slet. If it
don't, the leader of the Conservatives has tried to feed his hungry and
clamorous friends, and the fault is not his if he fails. I daresay that an
ousting division will neither lame Toxophilite for May nor spoil the par-
tridges for September. But I notice one thing, and that is that you have
made no reference to one very important, or at least self-important per-
son. Do you put himdown as loss or gain to the country? Eh, ma tear ?

Lord S. I shall ask you to let me take a hint from Master Slender,
for once—and to keep Mum when he cries Budget.

Lord D. Use your discretion, but people like a steady light after fire-
works. And what do you. say for our new Secretary for the Colonies ?

Lord S. He only hopes that Lord Derby may have half as good a
one as Lord Grey had in 1833—4.

Lord I). Ha! ha! Thanks, my dear boy, but I'm afraid you '11 get
no such chance as I had. That was the time of the Great Fall of
Blacks, when the people paid twenty millions to wash their hands of
them, and I managed the business. But nobody knows. And so, on the
whole, you think I have handicapped the animals pretty fairly ? Very
good, then we '11 start 'em, and what is it—occupai extremum scabies—
or as we say more elegantly in English, the devil take the hindmost.